ChrisGaldi.com

A Rundown of Famous Mimes

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Robert Shields, popularized mime in America in the 1980's with the TV show, Shields and Yarnell
Joseph Grimaldi, English clown and pantomimst (1778-1837)
Jean-Gaspard Deburau, French pantomimist who transformed the character of Pierrot in the traditional harlequinade (1796-1846)
Ètienne Decroux, the father of modern mime
Jean Louis Barrault, a pupil of Decroux who used abstract mime
Marcel Marceau, a Decroux's pupil also; the most famous mime Universally acclaimed as the World's Greatest Mime
Jewel Walker, one of America's best stage mimes
Desmond Jones, famed British mime; runs the Desmond Jones School of Mime
Ecole Jacques Lecoq, famed mime teacher for use of masks

Who's Your Favorite?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO – Won't kiss on the first date? How about waiting until marriage?
Chicagoans Melody LaLuz and Claudaniel Fabien shared their first kiss Saturday at the altar. The two teach abstinence at the city's public schools and practiced what they preached to their teenage students. The Chicago Tribune reports that the couple had never kissed and that they had never been alone together in a house.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

ROME (Reuters) – An Italian right-wing party is offering 1,500 euros ($1,930) to parents who name their babies after wartime fascist dictator Benito Mussolini or his wife Rachele, saying their names are under threat.

Not a bad chunck of change for the name. I just can't wait for the increase in little Mussolini's

What Did I Eat for Lunch Today?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Since graduating college, my short term memory (previously used to remember obserdly long acrynoms before tests; which I now realize all started with the word Every for some reason) has deteriorated. So I compiled a list of mondane things that I can't quite recall and how I try to deal with them in my mind:

1) "Did I use the conditioner yet, I could have sworn I used the conditioner already? Worst case scenario I'll just be conditioning twice. Better safe than sorry (dollop)."

2) "What program was I watching before it went to commercial, was it Dancing with the Stars? No, it couldn't be Dancing with the Stars"

Reading on the Bowl

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

What is it about taking a shit that turns a man into a librarian? I have resorted to reading the back of a Garnier Fructice bottle in the absence of the Post. And this doesn't just go for #2. Nothing is better than looking up from the urinal at Hooters and seeing the front page of the sports section. I kid you not that I will read every line with eye splitting detail long after the last shake. This leads me to a new business idea: toilet shaped college desk chairs and porcelin urinal podiums. If I read

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Oregon -- A 20-year-old woman who set a tow truck on fire as it was about to tow away a car has been sentenced to two years of probation. Allen was arrested Sept. 16 after two witnesses said they saw her walk to the back of the truck, light something and run away. Police later determined the flaming object to be a fast-food bag. She has no adult criminal history, and after her arrest she reported that she'd been working for a temp agency because the Round Table Pizza she'd worked at closed for remodeling. "I don't remember the incident, but it doesn't sound like something in my character," Allen said after the hearing. The judge said he thought alcohol was a big factor in the arson."

I thought that if you get fired from a Round Table Pizzeria you have to

Treasury Bills Trade at Negative Rates as Haven Demand Surges

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Dec. 9 (Bloomberg) -- Treasuries rose, pushing rates on the three-month bill negative for the first time, as investors gravitate toward the safety of U.S. government debt amid the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. If you invested $1 million in three-month bills at today’s negative discount rate of 0.01 percent, for a price of 100.002556, at maturity you would receive the par value for a loss of $25.56.

That's it, I'm converting all my money to Aruba Florins and going to a strip club. Money is only worth what you spend it on

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

It has been a tough year for American Idol finalist Jennifer Hudson. I couldn't imagine going through the shit she is going through; really no one truly can say they would be able to deal with it. But I was thinking, if the shit really hit the fan for me how would I be able to cope? I say terribly, but I do know that there are certain things that no matter how bad it got I would feel temporary solice and numbness from the things going on around me. I am not talking about getting laid or watching the Giants win the Superbowl, I'm talking about temporary Nirvana:

1) Taking off a Winter Hat and Rubbing My Head: Sometimes I contemplate throwing on a wool hat just so I could take it off twenty minutes later and rub the shit out of my head

2) Getting out of the Shower and double Q-Tipping my Ears: If you never doubled down with tips you ought to give it a shot, why else do you think I'm always showering? (get your mind out of the gutter)

3) Getting the Back of My Neck Shaved at the Barber Shop: Probably the only time I have gay inclinations and want to fuck the barber. On an unrelated note they should make a barber shop where you get a shoulder massage at the end. The only downside is that I would be looking like a marine.

4) Drinking a Bottle of Water after a night of drinking: Better than the booze

5) Taking off my Ski boots off: Why else does anyone ski?

Yankees

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

New York -- The Yankees landed their top two choices from the free-agent pitching market within the span of 72 hours this week, with A.J. Burnett joining the party on Friday and agreeing to terms on a five-year, $82.5 million contract; and CC Sabathia for a seven-year $161 million contract.

Hey Red Sox fans, do you need some pussy with that wine? I could hear they crying already about the Yankees buying there way to a championship; well shut the fuck up and listen. Baseball has no salary cap, it is a sport designed for extravagant spending. If you don't pay for your players you are going to fall behind. I mean don't buy a baseball team unless you have the money to do so. I mean you don;t see me opening up a Home Depot, because I wouldn't have the money to stock the shelves. No salary cap is embedded in the rules of the game. The real person you should be bitching to is Bud Seilig rallying for a salary cap. What the sport needs is a Warren Buffet to buy a team and show the leauge that a salary cap is necessary. Not to mention there are two teams in New York. That means that we draw in nearly twice as much revenue as the Red Sox.

Quote of the Day: Charles Barkley

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

LAS VEGAS -- A rare winter storm swept through Southern Nevada Wednesday, dumping the most snow on the valley in nearly three decades, grounding flights at the airport, forcing the closure of major highways and closing schools for today.

Earlier this week Charles Barkley bet a large amount of money that there would be a snowstorm in Vegas on Wednesday. Here is what he had to say about the bet:

"I bet on Vegas snowstorms all da time. But dis time it really felt like a good bet. Snow is fun. Where am I?"
~Charles Barkley
Note: How creepy is that little girl with the unbrella in the background of that picture?

DUI: Not U and I Part Due

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

How fucking brutal is driving

DUI: Not U and I Part Due

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

How fucking brutal is driving and not knowing weather a cop is behind you or not. When I was little the only time I was impressed by human civilization when someone passed a cop and high beamed to those coming that there is a cop ahead. I want to take this concept a step further. For now on, when you are driving drunk and there is a car obnoxiously tailing you at a distance where you can't tell weather they are driving a Crown Vic or not, roll down your window and causally put your left hand out the window (palm up). If you are following someone who does this it is your duty to flash your high beams once and then fall back 30 ft to give them room to operate. Your safe, I'm safe, and you have peace of mind that I'm not Po 9.

China Cell Phones

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Guangzhiu, China -- The shop worker from Guangzhiu, China, died moments after he put a new battery in his phone, it has been claimed. It was believed that he may have just finished charging the battery and had put the phone in his breast pocket when it exploded. China's daily Shin Min Daily News said the accident happened on Friday, Jan 30, at 7.30pm. An employee at the shop told local media that she heard a loud bang and saw her colleague lying on the floor of the shop in a pool of blood. The employee said the victim had recently changed the battery in his mobile phone. Police are investigating what caused the explosion and whether the phone was counterfeit. The make and model of the phone are not thought to be known. Local reports said that this was the ninth recorded cellphone explosion in China since 2002. The Shin Min daily News published advice for consumers on how to avoid being hurt by exploding mobile phones, following the latest incident.
Some of the tips were:
– Always use original batteries.
– Do not expose your mobile phone to high temperatures, and avoid exposing it to direct sunlight.
– Avoid long phone conversations.

Black History Month

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON DC -- Rod Beckstrom, the federal government's chief of cybersecurity programs, has stepped down from the post. In his resignation letter, Beckstrom reportedly criticized the National Security Agency's central role in cybersecurity and said that a civilian agency, and not one that is part of the Department of Defense, should play a leading role in the effort.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Get Your Kiper On

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

With the predictability of a ninth grader wacking off before school, it is again the time of the year where we are bombarded with the intrusive head of Mel Kiper Jr. The only thing more off-basis than his picks is his Mexican busboy mop.

Among his failures in 1990, Kiper thought that Heisman Trophy winner and University of Houston quarterback Andre Ware would be an excellent NFL quarterback and a great match for the Detroit Lions-- Ware's tenure in the NFL was brief and inconspicuous. Ware is considered among the biggest busts in draft history In 1993, Kiper projected Notre Dame quarterback Rick Mirer as the 30th pick; he was selected second overall by the Seattle Seahawks In the 1995 Draft, Kiper proclaimed UCLA wide receiver JJ Stokes a "sure-thing" who was destined to be a future All-Pro. On draft day, Kiper lambasted several teams, including the New York Jets, for passing on Stokes until he was selected 10th overall by the San Francisco 49ers. Stokes spent an undistinguished 8 years in San Francisco in the shadows of Jerry Rice and Terrell Owens, never making a single Pro Bowl or even surpassing 770 yards receiving. In the same 1995 Draft, Kiper had rated BYU Quarterback John Walsh as a first round pick. Walsh declared for the draft after his Junior season and had an abysmal NFL combine where he ran a 5.3 forty yard dash and displayed a weak arm in workouts. Nonetheless, Kiper still rated Walsh as a late 1st/early 2nd round pick on the day of the draft and said he would be a perfect fit for a "West Coast Offense" team like the San Francisco 49ers because of his accuracy on short passes. Walsh slid all the way to the 7th round where he was finally taken by the Cincinnati Bengals. He never appeared in a single game for the quarterback needy Bengals and was out of football less than a year later. In 1997, Kiper stated off the air in an interview with Chris Mortenson that Coastal Carolina offensive lineman Adam Steuer was a future hall of famer. Adam Steuer fell to pick 169 to the Buffalo Bills, and would go on to lead a dismal 2-year career, and was eventually cut In 1998 Kiper said that Washington State Quarterback Ryan Leaf's "attitude" (which had rubbed teammates and coaches the wrong way in college) would be an asset in the NFL and give him a mental advantage over Peyton Manning. In 1999, Kiper said that Oregon quarterback Akili Smith would be a great NFL player and would finally provide the Cincinnati Bengals with the passer they'd lacked since Boomer Esiason Before the 2001 NFL season, Kiper predicted the New England Patriots to go 0-16 and have the 1st pick in the 2002 NFL Draft. Instead, the Patriots went 11-5 and went on to win Super Bowl XXXVI against the St. Louis Rams. One of Kiper's most well known mistakes was when he stated that USC wide receiver Mike Williams would be the best player in his 2005 draft class, despite not having played football in over a year after being ruled ineligible by the NCAA. When ESPN analyst Merril Hoge disagreed, Kiper uttered the now infamous line, "I'll see you at his Hall of Fame induction."

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

So what's really the deal with these things always being bull-packed. They can't get rid of enough of these shitty napkins.

I'm Cooler than You Shields

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Does have this sucion cupped to your windshield mean you could run over children in a school zone while selling crack and not signaling? My second question is if I steal one will anyone know? or is it like king arthor's sword an whoever posseses it has the power. Do cops give them out

Signs

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

The floor isn't actually wet here. So by deductive reasoning I would not take this Leonidas caution with a grain of salt.

Ketchup, mustard. Meat, potatoes. Shoes, socks. Wide rim hats, hand grenades. Listen brother, if I am looping hand grenades in the suburbs on, or around Fathers' Day, you better bet your cunt I am going to be togged up in a wide rim hat, open toe sandals and beige dress socks to the knees. Love the open Sunday sign just to rub the prospect of death in the face of the church on the Sabbath day. And what the fuck is up with the SURPLUS of army supplies. Did Norman Schwarzkopf and Gary Busey both pass on?

I thought autism was a brain development disorder characterized by impaired social interaction and communication. That being said, where is the threat of autistics lunging into oncoming traffic? I mean isn't that the reason the sign was made? To warn passer-bys of risky autistics with springy legs and a death wish. You have to appreciate this kid though. His parents in a patronizing tone probably said, "Johnny, that sign is made just for you." Then he was like "Should I pose by it? Fuck it I'll pose by it."

What the flip cup is up with the white bar in the middle of the DO NOT ENTER SIGN. To me it looks like it is an ideal spot for

people to write things in with a Sharpe marker. So i was thinking about possibilities of things that could be written in this space:

DO NOT _______ ENTER

a) Exit Or
b) Have Pants on If You

c) Slow Down Upon

Or the least they can do is write "DO NOT ENTER" in the blank space. Maybe it is a analogy of words refusing to enter their proper space.

This sign isn't actually real, but it sure as hell should be. The side walks were designed for shit without motors. Period. If you are on a 40 mph road going 35 mph that's not going to cut it. Cause I'm going to be traveling at 50 in the same 40 mph zone, and physics tell us that you and your shitty Schwinn are going to slow me down by 15 mph. Now it becomes a battle involving me trying to time a pass on your spandex ass on my right, and at the same time avoid oncoming cars to my left. I end up looking like Sean Connery trying to time his entrance into the Rock. What really pisses me off is that if you accidentally hit one of these fruitcakes you would be in court quicker than you could get out of your car and tell em' to go fuck themselves. And why do they wear the aerodynamic clothing and keep racing posture? Your not Lance Armstong; primarily because no body likes you.

This is a great example of an update we need to make in our present day society. In this day in age why do we have stick figures on the bathroom door that appear to have no desire to go and are dressed in Amish clothing? Yes, sometimes I go to the bathroom without urgency as well, especially if I am at home as have a magazine to read. But whenever I am using a public john I hold it in till it hurts; frankly because it is not a pleasant place to be. Public restrooms are not pleasant, and by no means are they rooms to rest in. What is up with the term restroom? Let’s call a spade a spade. Is it not politically correct to call it a bathroom? Yes, I know the public porcelain does not come with a bath, and thank Christ it doesn't, but that's what it is right, a bathroom?

It may just be me, but that fire-ball chasing him down the stair shaft looks a bit more risky than the elevator. I like how this is one of the only signs in the history of fire signs that addresses the urgency of the fire by showing the stick guy hoping (4) steps at a time.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I go through my ordinary day in the company of door locks, especially when I am in the bathroom. Why is it then, when I am drunk at a house party all bathroom doors do not have locks. Usually my first reaction is ahh, I must just be too drunk to figure this one out. But in reality, no, your not too drunk the owners were just prick bastards. You end up having to take a shit with on foot spralled accross the tile floor creating a makeshift door jamb. Then comes a flood of people whop want to enter and then the door top part opens a crack and everyone sees you shitting and wants to know why you are on the bowl in the middle of a party. Maybe because you have been shoving little 2" sandwiches and doritos down my garb the entire night.

Question of the Day with Bill Plaschke

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Mac VS PC Chess Match

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Is it not possible to watch an entire American Idol show without also reviewing twelve mac/pc ads? I still don't understand why pc doesn't come back with a rebuttal to all these commercials. Its like watching Maximus get lashed by the wooden sword and not do anything. Isn't it up to Microsoft or Dell to step up and represent the PC's here. I realize that there may be only one way to solve this problem. A mac VS pc chess match. I am going to run a chess match on the opposing platforms and see which computer is really better. It will be like joining Mr T and Ivan Draggo in the ring. I will run the game and I am taking bets.

Turnpike Refs

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

So I am crusing down the shore on the NJ Turnpike I start getting pissed off about the quantity and intent of the sign in the picture posted to the left. Every 15 feet there is a post that appears to look like a football referee signaling that a fiels goal is good. The have about as much purpose as a

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Drunk Girl Smashes Her Face - Watch more Funny Videos

Michael Jackson Reaction

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

It took up to a half-hour for paramedics to be called to Michael Jackson's home after the singer was found stricken in the bedroom of his mansion. Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael's physician, was unfamiliar with his surroundings and that delayed the call. "He didn't know where he was, didn't know the physical address,". "There was no land line, no phone in Jackson's room that would have allowed him to call, except his cell phone. It was all happening so fast." Alford said he doesn't know how long Murray performed CPR on the singer on his bed before rushing downstairs to find someone to call 911. But the singer's trainer, actor and bodybuilder Lou Ferrigno, said Jackson was "in fantastic shape." "He might have been a little thin because he was under a lot of stress training for the tour," said Ferrigno.

In summary you have doctor with the bearings of a blind unich, and a trainer who doesn't lift for fun. Doctor Conrad Murray didn't know where he was? Was he not in the Neverland Ranch? Holy shit that's like president Obama

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Is this the same horse from Animal House? I don't care if you are fucking Cesar Milan, that horse going in this bitches face is flat out frightening. It's like he is the

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Chia Obama

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I was up late last night when a Chia pet commercial aired for Chia Obama. This is not a joke. He is being served in happy and determined facial expressions and is sold on the official website http://www.chiaobama.com/.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Fourth of July is a day for beers, baseball, bar-b-ques and fireworks. This firework however found this dudes nuts and didn't let go.

0% Anything

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Museum Tours

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

This next piece is from the Baroque era , and painted in opposition to the Renaissance style blah blah blah. Museums suck because they provide bland information about the art. If I am running a museum each piece is going to come with the following information:

a) How much is the piece worth

b) Were there any deaths as a result of its creation

c) One interesting fact about the art

If it does not fulfill at least two of the above categories do not hang it up in a museum. People are interested in places of death or where people have died. Death and sex sell, problem is on of them is illegal these days. The Colosseum is a giant tourist attraction because of death.

Lebron

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

This video is a testiment to the skill of Lebron James. With the hype of this video I thought I was going to be watching

Ground "Balls"

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

An original sketch of a recreation coach telling his players to field ground balls off their bodies

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

3) Gnats: G-nats...wud up? Gnats may seem like thoughtless flying specs of dust but do not be fooled. Just because they don't have a face doesn't mean that their intentions are malicious and accidental.

Democrats play Soliatre in Budget Debate

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

If I learned one thing in school it was to sit in the back of the classroom while playing computer games. Not only that but you have to keep up important looking windows behind the games for a quick disguize. But maybe I was raised into these skills growing up with computers. When you give old people computers they don't know the basic tricks.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

H1N1 Vaccination

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

The entire population of America is frantically rushing to pharmacies to get injected with a needle. It sounds like the opening sequence to a Resident Evil plot. I'm not a conspiracy guy, but i think I'm going to pass on this H1N1 juice. The swine flu is the flu.

Whatcha Say. What THEY Said.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I'm not going to lie, when I heard this song Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo

Eminem - Sing for the Moment Aerosmith - Dream On Gym Class Heros - Cupids Chokehold Supertramp - Breakfast in America Nas - Hip Hop is Dead Iron Butterfly - In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida 2Pac- Changes Bruce Hornsby - That's the Way It Is

4th and 2

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Bill Belickik is taking a ot of heat for going for 4th and 2 on the Colts 28 yeard line in last night's 34-35 loss. Listen, if you can't get 2 yeards you deserve to lose. People cry about coaches not punting, but what is punting? Punting is a long turnover. People take comfort in knowing that on fourth down the other team is going to punt. I guarantee when the Patriots went for it on fourth down ever Colts fan said Fuck. It almost seems like it is cheating when you go for it on fourth.

Icing the Kicker

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

NFL coaches do something called "Icing the Kicker". Right before a important field goal kick, opposing coaches call a time out which gives the kicker some time to build up nerves and think about the ensuring kick. However, last night in the Texans V.S. Titans game coach Jeff Fisher did not call the predicatable icing time out. He rather let the Texans snap the field goal attempt in sequence which resulted in Kris Brown fucking duffing the kick so bad he missed the net. I think this situation is anti-testament to conventional thinking and ridiculous theory.

Hibachi

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

For some, going out for a nice Japanese hibachi meal is a religious experience. They make reservations weeks before and build anticipation for the meal. Those people worship dinner shows. Japanese hibachi chefs are

Jillian Michaels

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I can't decide weather or not Jillian Michaels, a fitness guru, is sexy or scary. I really doubt weather or not I could kick her ass. The bitch is pretty, but thats the problem, she's a bitch. She wears a face like she is going to plug your asshole witha c ork and then make you do pushups.

Michael Cera: The Rise of the "Pussy" in America

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Shitshow

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

At some point in time, the term "shitshow" got associated with heavy binge drinking. Of course I could not tell you exactly when or how this happened, but I can sure postulate... A group of guys/girls got together and drank enough booze to melt paint. In a drunken stupor, a certain performance was held. Children from all the neighboring towns came to see this performance. When the curtains opened a man was cautiously pooping pellets through the rim of an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. He was wearing a tuxedo, and simultaneously whispering the lyrics of Lisa Loeb's "Do You Sleep". Just as the music reached a crescendo, his girlfriend in a red magician suit ran on stage and started angrily tickling her own underarms. No one is laughing. As the bottle filled to the top, the man began shaving his forearms. He uncomfortably pulled up his tuxedo pants and assumed a low crouching position. With his palms facing the ceiling and extended away from his body as if in preyer, the man began to bob his head as if trying to snap his own neck. A pale moron then entered from the kitchen and took a fucking shit all over the guy in the Tux. And I mean a fucking shit. Since they guy was bobbing his head so ferociously, he had no idea that a load was dropped on his wing tips. He girlfriend began to cry. In the midst of weeping, the woman took her hands, which were covered in blood from tickling her armpits, and dumped the contents on the bottle of Jack into her palms. With hands covered in shit she grabbed the head of her boyfriend in the Tux and snapped his neck. She then laid next the her dead boyfriend and continued to attack her armpits with the bloody, shit-covered hands. This opened up an ideal opportunity for the fucking moron from the kitchen to dump a storm on shit on the bodies on the floor. The woman mourns her loss. As the bodies are enveloped in a grave of the moron’s shit, a member from the audience begins to applaud the lude behavior.

Meet the Nation’s 1st Legal Male Prostitute

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Details - A 25 year old from Los Angeles will become the first legal male prostitute in this America’s history. “Markus” (his working name) booked a job at the Shady Lady Ranch brothel, two-and-a-half-hours northwest of Las Vegas. His story is about to become a national sensation. Read on to find out why.

Any girl with feet, can easily find a healthy cock at the end of a sweating goof. Getting laid is a simple task for females. All they have to do is walk into a bar and say hi.

Just Tell Me Where the Bathroom Is..

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Human Anatomy

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Canada Wins Hockey Gold...But USA Won't Let them Celebrate

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Welcome to The Beginning of Space Time

Chris Galdi — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:49:00 +0000

According to the Big Bang model, the ChrisGaldi.com expanded from an extremely dense and hot state and continues to expand today. A common analogy explains that space itself is expanding, carrying galaxies with it, like raisins in a rising loaf of bread.

D Fence

Chris Galdi — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:30:00 +0000

Every Sunday I sit down to watch football, and without fail during every game I get hit with a pair of goofs holding up D-Fence signs.
1) Usually held by guys older than thirty
2) It is annoying to the people behind you (as you can see in this picture the guy in the white is watching the game on the jumbo-tron while determining a good time to leak Coke on their ankles)
3) These people actually have to make these signs. Not once have I been in a Home Depot and seen these for sale. That fence with all the detailed cutting must take at least 10 minutes to make (and for these goops probably 20)
I vote that TV cameras stop showing these merms on television (sort of like the streaker-effect) so that they stop making these signs and ruining Sundays

Is this Guy Whipped?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:57:00 +0000

Starts out great with old guy enjoying the 11:00 showing of Seinfeld, and like clockwork after the first solid joke he gets fucking brutalized by that snhore (old sleeping whore). Next he is clearly enjoying a NY Jet loss, when the woman snipes him from the kitchen. Listen Up? What this guy needs is a loud tone to be blasted through those phones to drown out his surrounding life, or wife. I'd rather be forced to dip my feet in water before I put my socks on everyday than to go to bed with her. Plus, you know that the dude at the gym is getting fucking thrashed by those bitches, if anything this device just cycles through complementary sayings like a Tickle-me-Elmo doll. This can't be more evident than when the neighbors in the street say, "he sounds nice", sounds a little like dubbed audio; or dimensia? And last but not least I'm nearly certain that the stroker at the childrens football game is also a mute. How can anyone endure booming cheering with a hearing aid in, the black guy in the woods passed.

Goof or Troop?

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:28:00 +0000

J NEL...Just Not Enough Leverage. I preach it but no one listens. This couldn't have gone more wrong. Life question: why did that backboard have to break right then?

Fogle

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:38:00 +0000

Jared Fogle slips up on his diet. We all saw this nooshe (fat fuck) crumbling. [no audio]

And Jared the next day after nooshing out below...

The Best Thing that Could Happen in Soccer

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:02:00 +0000

Cover your face and you get hit in the nuts, cover your nuts and you get hit in the face. The classic catch 22. Wierd thing is, by the location that the kid was standing, this was the ideal scenario he was hoping for, to block the ball with his frame.

Blow Horn

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:13:00 +0000

If I was friends with this kid I would have an air horn key chain and fire it off every time he is around. I really can't believe that a noise would lead to such a complete collapse of motor skills. I actually have to give props to his friends; because they must know that this dude folds around blow horns, why else for that timely sound off?

Snappy Roomate

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:24:00 +0000

The obvious question: how long is the zapped up goof in the rafters before the decent? I mean imagine showing up at college and this snappy fuck is your roomate?

No Reaction

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:33:00 +0000

This guy must slip up constantly. His buddies write this mud licking off as if it never happened. Just another day of shore jumping for Roule.

The Next Barack

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:38:00 +0000

Incoherent Guy

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:46:00 +0000

Original Prank....D-

Prank Backfiring....B

Incoherent Guy....A

I don't know about you, but I didn't know that this guy was incoherent untill toward the end of the clip when he finally opens his mouth. I would have been so much more excited watching this the first time if I knew the target spoke in sporadic tone.

Fish Popping

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:06:00 +0000

I don't understand why he made this more complex by adding the variables of the rake and the tire throw. He might as well have just slugged this guy square in the fish and ran away.

Jets Beat Titans

Chris Galdi — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:29:00 +0000

So the Jets beat the undefeated 10-0 Titans, they win 5 in a row and move to first in the AFC East disproving all reporters. Yet I am not yet content with the Jets success. I am beginning to realize that this success is coming too early in the season and leaves too much room for a Mets'esque, or even Jets'esque downturn. In lieu of their recent wins, I would like to expose possible events that may unfold, in hopes that their exposure with prevent their happening.

1) Feely Gets Hurt and Jets Sign John Hall; Hall then gets hit in the Back of the Head where his helmet doesn't cover and dies in the arms of Glenn Foley (15.00%)
2) Gohlston Blows Out Farve's Knee (65.00%)
3) Jenkins Eats Leon Washington (4.00%)
4) Testeverde Throws a Pick Next Week VS the Broncos in the Fourth Qtr (90.00%)
5) Jets have to face the Raiders at any Point in the Playoffs (10.05%)
6) Solomon Wilcots and Ian Eagle unmercifully Double Team Mangini's Mouth (1.59%)

Brutal Trim

Chris Galdi — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:25:00 +0000

"Peter Orszag, the current director of the Congressional Budget Office, smiles as he listens to U.S. President-elect Barack Obama speak about choosing Orszag as his choice for director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB) during a news conference in Chicago November 25, 2008" ~REUTERS/John Gress (UNITED STATES)

Really? Where did Peter Orszag get his hair cut; in the on deck circle of Wrigley Field with baseball bats? Really? How can we expect this guy to manage America's budget when he can't manage his own fucking crown? He could have shaved binary code into his grundle and held a Mr. Potatoe Head doll in front of his dick and looked more in control than his does now.

People Are Too Quick to Dry Gulch Vick

Chris Galdi — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:40:00 +0000

"Vick pleaded guilty to one count of a state dogfighting charge in Sussex, Va. Another count of animal cruelty was dropped by the prosecutor. Vick was sentenced to a three-year suspended jail term and probation. The jail term will remain suspended as long as Vick completes four years of good behavior." ~washingtonpost.com

I don't understand how juries, prosecutors and ESPN commentators constantly weigh in on Michael Vick being medieval, and at the same time the public paints pictures of him being a violent criminal. You may ask: "Chris you sick fuck; what do you like dogs being tortured and killed, OR, do you want to suck Mike Vick's dick?" And I say neither. In Virginia, where Vick is being arraigned, I guarantee that within a mile of his home is a slaughterhouse, butcher or McDonalds. Slaughterhouses are essentially Auschwitz for cows. The jury that convicted Vick probably grabbed burgers and chicken wraps after or ever during court. Think about it.

Disclaimer: I like burgers and do not like dogfighting; chicken is alright if seasoned properly

Hawkeye Football

Chris Galdi — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 01:36:00 +0000

An Iowa woman who was caught having sex in the men's room at an Iowa Hawkeye football game in Minneapolis last weekend says she’d had so much wine before kickoff that she doesn’t remember walking into the restroom, the man she had sex with in a stall, or when the police opened the door.What Lois, 38, will remember is the humiliation afterward. “It’s ruined my life,” she said through tears today. “Not just the incident but the press.”

Lois said her husband, Feldman, has been supportive. She said he faults himself for not going with her when she left her seat to use the restroom before halftime.
~http://www.desmoinesregister.com/

1) Her husband's name is Feldman
2) He faults himself for not going with her when she left her seat to use the restroom
3) She is humiliated with the press, not the incident
4) She is talking to the press in this article about hating the press
5) Her husband's name is Feldman

I don't even know, or feel bad for Feldman. But I do know that this guy was sober during the game or else he would have a) been going to get a beer at halftime and b) been raming his hoe in the stall himself. As a side note, who the fuck is this badass that can manage to get laid while blowing a steaming piss at halftime? Oh right, it was John Kreese from Karate Kid...yet again.

Below is a metaphore of the press suddenly ruining this woman's life:

Happy Thanksgiving from Scott Fuchs' Brother

Chris Galdi — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 07:21:00 +0000

CHICAGO (AP) - Scott Fuchs will spend Thanksgiving with his family in Florida like he's done for 20 years or so. But like thousands of other Americans, his brother is staying home—travel isn't possible after he was laid off from his job in Maryland.
"Lack of funds," said Fuchs, a 49-year-old computer programmer from Plano, Texas.
~http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D94MRAHOC&show_article=1

Tell me I don't know the English language if this guy's name isn't pronounced fucks. Doubt me? Try to say outloud Fuchs without saying fuck. This portion of the article talking about fucks does not bring mention to recession or housing slump or tightened credit markets. Which leads me to beleive that fucks is a shitty, aging, broke computer programmer from Plano, Teehaas.

{Pictured Above: What we beleive to be fucks in a snooker tournament in 2002}

Asians With Nerf Guns

Chris Galdi — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 07:49:00 +0000

DONGGUAN, China (AP) - It started as a pay dispute at a southern Chinese plant, which makes Nerf toys for the U.S. company Hasbro Inc. This is the latest violent protest to rock China's export machine when the workers battled security guards, smashed the headlights of police motorcycles and forced their way through the factory's front gate, Guo said. They went on a rampage in the plant's offices, damaging 10 computers, the company said.

~http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D94MPOJG0&show_article=1

First of all, Asians with nerf guns are about as threatening as Bob Ross' dick. 2nd, once they forced through with their weapons, they proceeded to damage computers. The word damage infers minor inconvenience. I was hoping that the pissed off Nerf Asian Destruction Society (NADS), would at least have destroyed or crushed some computer screens, but no. Sounds like they downloaded a few potentially hazardous songs off of limewire and couldn't resist but to update their Windows service packs on the way out.

More Dangerous: the Taj Hotel Mumbai or Wal Mart Long Island?

Chris Galdi — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 02:55:00 +0000

Talk about Black Friday. You need to understand that this crowd wakes up at 4:00 am in order to hit the 5:00 opening of Wal Mart. With that said, the general mentality of this crowd rivals the stability of a big guy breathing heavily outside a Kinkos. Now, growing up, I've heard countless stories of people getting caught in Wal Mart stampedes, but I've always thought that it was impossible to actually pass away in one...until now. The video above confirms that the people who storm Wal Mart are the most illogical group of ghastly goops since the creation of the towns people of South Park, CO. The women who falls in the breast of the Wal Mart stampede does not try to get up, but causally spends time putting her wig back on. This is about as effective as whipping out a Sudoku puzzle, nude, in the middle of Afghanistan. I know that if I fell during a Wal Mart stampede I would be up faster than Carl Winslow's dick in a Toys R' Us. Do I feel bad for the 34 year old guy who died in the Wal Mart Long Island stampede? Yes; but I feel worse for his family for having to tell people that their loved one passed in a Wal Mart Long Island stampede.

How Crazy Deals Attract Crazy Consumers Video:

Morally High Morons

Chris Galdi — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 19:39:00 +0000

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS -- A 17-year-old supermarket employee who found a bag with $10,000 in it at his work's bathroom returned the money, much to the owner's delight. Baraniuc says the first thing he thought about was keeping the money, but he then remembered his father's lectures about working hard for yourself. He turned in the bag to the store's manager, who then called police. Police say the $10,000 were Fred W. Smith's life savings, and he was carrying the bag because he was moving. "I'll send you a little reward," Smith told the kid

All these self righteous money bag returners are so sad. They constantly boast their moral standards and upbringing as the reason for returning the cash. But really these people are just scared little shits. They get too anxious thinking that the money is a drug dealers or Detective Jimmy Shaker's from Ransom that they cowardly give the money to police. Anyway, any dope that a) carries $10,000 in a bag and b) leaves it in the shitter; is too dumb to be allowed any short of currency, period. And how the fuck does this guy get off on saying that he will send the kid a little reward? Why don't you just reach in the bag of $10,000 cash and pull a little love out. I got the line at 5% that this cash strapped doof sends the kid any reward money.

Plaxico Burress Shoots Himself Right in the Dick

Chris Galdi — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:59:00 +0000

Washingtonpost.com -- According to several reports, Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg. The Giants indicated in a written statement released today that Burress, 31, had suffered a wound to his right thigh in "an apparent accidental shooting" and was released from a New York City hospital this afternoon. The Giants indicated in the statement that they were gathering facts about the incident and had been in contact with NFL security officials, and added that the shooting "could become a matter for law enforcement officials."

Back in August during the fantasy football drafts, I made it clear that Burress was a bad pick because there is a high probability that he would shoot himself in the dick around week 13.

To Commemorate Plax's Croch Attack, a fresh dick shot video:

Chain Measurments

Chris Galdi — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:26:00 +0000

I bet if you looked close enough at the faces of the guys holding first down posts you would see a crew including Ed Hochuli, Phil Luckett, Scott Green, and why not...Tim Donaghy. How accurate are they really? The camera zooms in on the down field post and makes you believe that they are measuring with enough precision to build a bomb. But what people forget about is that the post 10 yards back is being carried about and placed without precision on where they estimate the original line of scrimmage to be. This is like measuring the size of your dick by holding the base of a tape measure up by your chin and looking down. The measurement to the tip will read a specific number, but it is dependent upon an unverified starting spot. Point is, I think that coaches should start challenging whether or not that back scrimmage post in properly placed, especially when the result is that the ball is centimeters short or long.

Championship Uniforms

Chris Galdi — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 20:41:00 +0000

When the first sports team I followed won the championship (NY Yankees 1996), I was happy, but the journey was over and felt a bit of emptiness. Teams fight all year to win, whether it be a World Series, Superbowl or even Stanley Cup while devoted fans follow. After all the ups and downs during the seaon, the joy of victory only ends up lasting for about as long as Eli Manning in bed. To correct this, I propose that winning teams wear flashy championship jerseys the whole next season to remind fans, opponents, and opponents' fans that yes, we fucking won and we are the defending champions. I sick of fans of shitty teams saying, "well that was last year, this is a new season." Think about how much sweeter winning would be knowing that it will be rubbed in everyones' face the entire next season. The obvious downside is if the Florida Marlins via 98' were forced to wear flashy gear while dropping a 54-108 (.333) record, it would be about as brutal as this glorious escalator leap transitioned into face plant:

Not Just Canseco is Doing the Juice

Chris Galdi — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:00:00 +0000

Weather.com

Chris Galdi — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 01:46:00 +0000

I'll start believing what I hear on weather.com just as soon as people start believing Plaxico Burress' name is Harris Smith. On the current 10 day forecast, they post a 50% chance of rain for this Sunday. Really? Why not just come out and say you have no fucking clue if it is going to rain. I'd rather log onto their web site and load up a video of Al Roker popping out in the middle of a random news report, right, cue the video...

Thought of the Day

Chris Galdi — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:33:00 +0000

A friend of mine told me this:

"When I'm drinking at a bar and take a leak, the last thing I want to do is wash my hands. It involves water, a blow dryer, and results in wet hand prints on my pants. The only time I really wash my hands now is a result of peer pressure of other dudes washing their hands. You can feel them thinking to themselves, "this fucker better be washing his hands if I am." But why am I washing my hands after I go #1? My dick is the cleanest part of my body. I wake up, take a shower, and immediately cover it in two layers of clean cloth. If anything, I should be washing my hands before I go to the bathroom in order to keep my dick pristine."

Who the Fuck is Danny Gans?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:53:00 +0000

No one person has ever managed to visit Las Vegas without looking up with squinted eyes and saying to your friend, "Who the Fuck, is Danny Gans?" I obviously did the same after seeing the Strip furnished with more Gans' signs than potable toilets. It is a freakish phenomenon: in Vegas people are willing to pay $250 for heavy doses of Danny Gans, but then when they leave they don't want to know him. I can't say I've ever let him pipe out his act in front of me, but with deep research I found out it is as meaningless as it seems. Gans bombards you with a gallery of Mike Myers impersonations and back flips that leaves the crowd with enough fervor to unload their purses into slots and embedded electronic bar poker machines at the Mirage. I'll tell you what, if I ever see Gans outside of Nevada, I'd have enough fervor to hit him with a quick headfake/ballshot combo. And give me a heads up if Gans doesn't perform like he photographs, so I could take this post down.

Schaefer Beer is the Real Deal

Chris Galdi — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 01:04:00 +0000

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. – A message in a bottle tossed into the ocean off Barnegat Bay has turned up in North Carolina — 39 years later. The note was sealed in a Schaefer beer bottle. It was dated Aug. 17, 1969 and read: "If found notify the North Haledon Fire Co. 2." Mark Ciarmello and his 3-year-old daughter found the bottle along a beach in Corolla, N.C., 400 miles from where it was released.

It took 40 years to drift only 400 miles? This beer bottle must have had some serious ballast. Shit, I go in the ocean for 40 minutes in NJ and the next thing I know I'm booking a flight back from Cuba. Coors Light spends millions of dollars each year, creating all sorts of vents and insulated blue linings for their cans that work about as well as erasable pens. But I guarantee that no amount of money could create a capsule that would seal a drunk fireman's random note for 40 years like a good ol' Schaefer bottle. All this proves is that "Schaefer is the beer to have when your having more than one"...run the fucking AD.

Sean Avery VS Emile Hirsch

Chris Galdi — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 13:31:00 +0000

CALGARY -- For the record, Avery - unsolicited - stepped in front of a bank of microphones in the visitors' dressing room yesterday morning and said: "I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds [Elisha Cuthbert]. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

Hey Sean, you think Emile Hirsch was happy when he found out that you were thrusting your seething body toward Elisha Cuthbert after they dated? No, we all thought Emile had her bagged after that sex education vid during the prom, but then you figure skated your way in and fucked it all up. And once you got her, did you think she liked you for your sensitive side & fashion sense? No again; she wanted to fuck a big, retarded ice skater. So I say this to you Sean: that's why they are called Puck Sluts, grow up and play hockey. As for Emile, I got your back dog, so I threw together some Sean Avery slander that would make Michael Moore shit white: (see video below)

Poll: Are You Sick of Christmas?

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 05:00:00 +0000

The question is: Are you sick of Christmas? So to find the answer I turned to the most reliable cross section of America...the towns people of South Park. I couldn't be happier with the poll results.

Lección de la Día

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 06:05:00 +0000

(Click on Image to make Larger. Next right click and save as Desktop Background on Friend's Computer who has Breylon Edwards)

Top 5 Christmas Gifts to Get Someone You Have to Get a Gift but Really Don’t Want to List:

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:38:00 +0000

5) $20 Gift Certificate to PF Chang's
What it Says: You not worth a full meal, so enjoy this holiday edamame.

4) Build-a-Bear
What it Says: That store looks magical, and I finally have an excuse to go inside and build-a-bear. You’re going to have to deal with the masterpiece; and when I give it to you, smile motherfucker.

3) Golf Shoes
What it Says: Nothing says go fuck yourself better than putting someone in gift purgatory for 6 months until golf season rolls around.

2) Tyler Perry’s House of Payne DVD, Vol.2: Episodes 21-40
What it Says: Everyone knows that episodes 1-20 were the heart of the series. “New Laughs, Same old Paynes!”

1) Travel Toiletry Kit
What it Says: No, I am not re-gifting the toiletry kit I got last year; nor did I buy it because it was 60% off at the register of Old Navy. I got it because I really want you to leave the state. Cut your nails loser.

Quote of the Day: Hillary Clinton

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 19:33:00 +0000

"Good friends bail eachother out of jail. But true friends turn to eachother in the cell and say "man that was fucked up""

~Hillary Clinton (December 3, 2008)

Looks Like They'll Be Caning the Rest of the Juice

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 20:20:00 +0000

LAS VEGAS, NV -- OJ Simpson sentenced to 7 1/2 to 27 years in prison for armed robbery. He said he made the trip to Las Vegas last year to attend a wedding — not to reclaim property. But his plans changed when he learned the dealers possessed family heirlooms that he had unsuccessfully tried to recover in the past. CJ Stewart was found guilty on the same twelve charges as Simpson and he faces the same punishment. However, he says not only is Simpson not a close friend, but that Simpson kept him in the dark about what was going on. "I was along for the ride," Stewart claimed from behind bars.

I have to say, I wouldn't be too thrilled either if I found out that there were people in Vegas running around with my family heirlooms. I mean if my "Jack Bower Kicking Down Door" action figure and "Boston Legal's Denny Crane" bobble head ever got in the wrong hands, I couldn't promise that I wouldn't be gripping the shotgun pump too. Ok, but with all joking put aside, prison won't be that bad for OJ; the ex-running back will still have big guys opening holes for him. Wow, sorry, that just slipped. The only guy that really got his dog and dice fried in this case is OJ's accomplice CJ Stewart. This guy had nor priors and sent four children through college. So then you may ask why he be gettin involved in armed robbery? It's the John McEnroe effect. People do wacky things when confronted by zainy celebs. Not to mention he was in Vegas with OJ probably whispering in his ear, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mutha fucka." Well they're staying in Vegas, but this time its not to watch the Danny Gans routein.

New Technology at ChrisGaldi.com

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:26:00 +0000

I discovered a way to convert classic youtube fights into their superhero form. This is the most satisfaction I've felt since assembling my Ikea desk/dresser set freshman year.

Clark Griswold Combat

Chris Galdi — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 20:39:00 +0000

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) -- A man using a candy cane lawn ornament fended off a knife-wielding neighbor who had been attacking holiday guests at a Sacramento home. Police said the man used the two-foot-tall plastic ornament to subdue the attacker until officers arrived. Police said the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense.

The average knife wielding attacker historically does not go down without a fight. So I am going to go out on a limb here and say that this guy must have been handed an absolute lashing with that candy cane. The fact that the article even brings up that he was not arrested because it was self-defense alludes to that fact that there was more blood spilt than when the Cobra Kai ran up on Daniel Son after the Halloween dance. I’m telling you, these seasonal suckers represent more than holiday cheer. If one were so inclined, he or she could easily shape the straight end of a candy cane into a fine-tuned, peppermint prison shank – just by sucking on it; a deranged mall Santa could use one to fishhook an unsuspecting shopper into the bowels of a Macy’s and have his way with him; a wide receiver for the New York Giants could accidentally lobotomize himself with one at Latin Quarters nite club. The list goes on. Question: How would you like getting your sleighbells rung while enjoying a festive glass of egg nog? Answer: Pass.

How to Be Treated Like a High Roller in Vegas without Dropping a Dime

Chris Galdi — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 22:18:00 +0000

First you have to look good. So throw on your tightest pair of black jeans, a rayon vest, and liberally apply half a bottle of LA Looks to your mop. Now, grab a buddy and head over to the craps tables. You and your bullishly cheap counterpart are going to each have to buy $1500 worth of chips (it should be at least $1500 and you will see why). On the first roll one person puts $500 on the Pass Line and the other person puts $500 on the Don't Pass Line. If you don't know the rules to craps (which you probably don't unless your a 300 pound cigar wielding Texan born before 1960), just know that when the Pass bet wins money, the Don't Pass bet loses the exact same amount of money and vice-versa. Its like betting on heads and tails where each has the same odds. Keep placing the same amount of money as your buddy but on the opposite bet. It's beautiful because whenever you lose money, your partner will win the exact amount you lost. After one of you goes broke, you and your partner have to convene in the handicap stall and have him/her give you back your initial stake or vice-versa. Now go back to the tables and do it again. After about an hour of doing this, the pit boss and croupier will literally be comping you [Comp = Vegas term for complementary gift] bottles at Tao, giving you free nights in the playboy suit, and calling you Mr. Papagiorgio.

Drum Rap Shootdown: Who ya Got?

Chris Galdi — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 08:58:00 +0000

I don't want to be bias but I have to take the "We Got Dem Guns" guy. It doesn't take losing your shirt to know that everyone roots for the underdog; but I came up with the single most important criterium, yes criterium, for judging a drum rap shootdown. If the lyrics are completely muted, which snare pounder actually re-creates the beat? In my opinion Travis Barker is hammering too much tschhh and not enough pbb during the chorus, weigh in and let me know.

Miller: We Got Dem Guns

Travis Barker: Soulja Boy

Quote of the Day: Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:17:00 +0000

"If your not living on the edge, then your taking up too much space"

~Reginald VelJohnson

Breaking News: Fireman Ed Goes AWOL in East Rutherford

Chris Galdi — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:34:00 +0000

While the Jets were in the midst of their mid-season five game winning streak, Fireman Ed was moving around with improved agility and sweating regularly as expected. However, since their recent two losses the Fireman has unexpectedly dropped his pants to half-mast and has un-caged a fury of J-E-T-S chants upon the suburbs of East Rutherford. It is presumed that he does not know who he is.

Joe's Steakhouse and Chops

Chris Galdi — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 01:40:00 +0000

Joe's Steakhouse in Vegas is apparently undertaking a cutting edge advertising angle appealing to horny fat fucks who never hesitate when roofie bombing unsuspecting younger women. This may appear unseemly at first glance; but what other demographic eats more to fulfill self-pity than looming, fat rapists? I vote the ad a B+.

After seeing Joe's vision of the future I took it upon myself to zest up the advertisements of Lorillard Inc's Newport cigarettes.

Manipulate Morale

Chris Galdi — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:58:00 +0000

How to Lower Morale:

First wait for an event with tickets that are extremely high in demand. I suggest waiting for December 28th when the Lions play the Packers at Lambeau (Even Lion's fans are starting to pony up heavy dough to see 0-16). Next go onto Craig's List and take out a tickets for sale ad. Choose a target and then copy and paste the following into the body of the ad:

My physically nimble yet mentally slow cousin has accidentally threw himself into a world of pain. Due to the grim circumstances, I am willing to sell our Lions tickets for $5 each. They are good seats and come with a free parking pass. Please call me asap at [insert target's phone number here] so I can get rid of these seats. And keep my cousin Len Wicks in your prayers, for it would be a miracle if he ever got back on the lawnmower. Thank you and God Bless.

Now cross your hands behind your head and lean back while the target's cell gets blown up like Nagasaki.

I included a video which illustrates the serious topic of morale vacillations: (tip: the fun doesn't begin until about half way through video)

Thanks to Casey Cochran for the Prank

9/11 Suspects Offer to Confess at Gitmo Trials

Chris Galdi — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:07:00 +0000

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba -- In a highly dramatic turn of events, the top five terrorists behind the Sept. 11 attacks told a military judge Monday that they want to confess their guilt and find martyrdom in their execution. The defendants said they made their decision Nov. 4, when Barack Obama was elected U.S. president. The purported ringleader who drew up the detailed plans for the attack, along with the other four co-defendants decided not to continue defending themselves against the capital charges, they told the judge.

I am calling complete bullshit. You don't have to convert Al Sharpton Muslim to expose what's going on here. When Obama was elected the Bush campaign undoubtedly turned up the temperature on the blowtorches at Gitmo. Doesn't it seem peculiar that all of the sudden these dudes are crying out for the noose? And fuck martyrdom, everyone knows that Saddam is the Michael Jordan of Sunni Muslims, and even he stood trial like a champ. What fun is roping up terrorists if you can't even watch them beg for their mercy on CNN for six months? None.

Vernon Gholston

Chris Galdi — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 06:10:00 +0000

Gholston was a defensive end with the Buckeyes and set the school's single-season record with 14 sacks last year. This year however, Goohlst has (12) tackles [10 of them on special teams], and the Jets managed to pay him $800,000/tackle (pro-rated). The reason for his lack of time is that the Jets are training him to become an outside linebacker rather than a DE. Not that I think Ghool is a bad player, but how do the Jets manage to consistently let down Jets fans with brutal seasons, leaving them with the hope of a savior draft pick. Then they go out and choose guys like steaktits [pictured above] who don't even see time. Drafting a guy with hopes of teaching him a new position is like buying a red Ferrari and then immediately sending it out to get painted green. On top of all that, AT&T paid Gooop to be their head spokesperson. But since he went bust they feel that showing his face will dilute shareholder value, so they have him lugging around rocks in the background like a retarded mope (see video). I seriously hope for the best with Goopst, but I'd much rather show him the working end of a backhand.

DUI? Not U and I.

Chris Galdi — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 06:33:00 +0000

Last night while I lay awake thinking about Vernon Gholston's playing time, I came up some revolutionary legislation. I figured out a way to prevent deaths and DUI convictions all with one swoop of brilliance. I propose that police allow people who do the following, and only the following, to drive under the influence:

1) Drive under 25 mph

2) Keep Hazard Lights On

3) Drive Between the Hours of [1:00am-5:00am]

4) Stay off the Highway

Boom, and just like that 100,000 lives are saved and my car is kept out of the impound. You may say, "But that's ridiculous, there are going to be people driving plastered and smashing into my shit anyway!" Well, at 25 mph fucking trees are going to be able to get out of the way of your car. Your second question may be ,"What about all the innocent families and MADD mothers who will be on the roads?" What the fuck are you doing driving around sober at 1:00am? Seriously, don't you have a Dennis Quaid Netflix to watch. I never, and I mean never, swam in the public pool during adult swim; so have some respect and stay off the roads while it's DUI time. And since this law will be liberal enough to even allow you on the road, just be aware of the drunk ones, that's all I ask. Your not doing it for the people puking on the steering wheel, your doing it for the sober ones like you who will be safer with DUI Dan driving at a reduced velocity. Again, you really don't have to be Cassius Clay Jr. to shuck and jive around a black SUV crawling in your direction and flashing "I am Shit-Faced" lights. If anything you should take the opportunity to hook a u-turn and follow the bad wagon, party's that way.

Someone would have been sleeping instead of pushing their teeth in:

Disclaimer: I do not condone driving drunk

Concealed Weapon Law

Chris Galdi — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:37:00 +0000

US Concealed Weapon Law -- In the United States, carrying a concealed weapon (CCW, also known as concealed carry) is the legal authorization for private citizens to carry a handgun or other weapons in public in a concealed manner, either on the person or in close proximity to the person. However states like New Jersey are know as "open-carry" states. They permit open gun carry to all non-prohibited citizens once they have been issued a permit or license. Also open carry is lawful on foot and in a motor vehicle.

Is it just me or is this law completely fucking backwards? So your telling me that I could buy a piece of heat, strap it to my back, and casually stroll into Tons-of-Toys and buy a Steve Austin action figure or two? Call me old school, but don't you think the sixteen-year-old girl working the register would prefer if it was tucked away by my croch (I'm trying really hard to leave Plax out of this)? I mean this law completely trumps the severity of other brutal New Jersey laws:

1) Bars close at 2:00 am, but by 2:15 you could be roaming the streets strapped like Don Marshall from Lethal Enforcers

2) You could tie a pistol to your neck-tie while driving your F-150, but you can't talk on your cell phone in your Ford Escape

3) You can buy a shotgun at the Sports Authority and strap it to your bare pair of tits; but you can't buy beer at the Lucoil

That Could Have Really Hurt

Chris Galdi — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 23:01:00 +0000

Baghdad -- An Iraqi journalist hurled his shoes and an insult at George W Bush, without hitting him, as the US president was shaking hands with the Iraqi premier at his Baghdad office on Sunday. As the two leaders met in Nuri al-Maliki's private office, a journalist sitting in the third row jumped up, shouting: "It is the farewell kiss, you dog," and threw his shoes one after the other towards Bush. Maliki made a protective gesture towards the US president, who ducked and was not hit.

I used to be under the impression that attacks on the president were strategic and received with brilliant, tactical counters. If not for W clocking in so many hours on Butterbean's Powerpunch Toughman Contest he would have never been able to jive around those Iraqi soles. And what's all this horse shit I hear about the secret service jumping in front of bullets for the president? Those mopes were sitting around while Oddjob managed to zip two consumer products (with admirable velocity and accuracy) at the president's melon. Those could have really hurt him. I have to say, if I were the reporter I would have thrown something a bit bulkier, I'm thinking a pair of 96' Sketchers.

DUI Incident Report I

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 03:32:00 +0000

I was truly upset to receive this video just two days after posting DUI, not U and I (See Post Below). For one, those hazard lights are clearly not flashing. Rule one of driving legally donked is to flash em' like your on the Titanic and the violins are sounding. In addition, this guy is driving like Steve McQueen in Bullitt. Remember: drive 25, make it to Wendy's to get those fries.

Cheap Shot Shootdown: Who ya Got?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 03:53:00 +0000

Pop #1

Pop #2

I have to go with the first cheap chin pop because it happened in France and couldn't have come with cheaper elements. The guy was a) outnumbered, b) not looking, and c) kicked on the ground. It almost sounds like a Tony Danza musical. The second blast is not even cheap at all. There is no audio, but I think I can make out the bartender telling the patron "You grin like Richard Karn". It was either that comment or the lack of Jim Beam in his three-wise-men shot that got him pissed. Either way you got a weaselly Frenchman, and a drunk fat guy with a pet peeve for Richard Karn in the thick of a cheap shot shootdown:

No cheap shot shootdown is complete without a video montage of Shawn Michael's dubbed over some old Creed music...hit the tape:

Failed Sports Leagues

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:31:00 +0000

CHICAGO, Dec 15 (Reuters) - The Arena Football League has canceled its 2009 season, but will resume play the following year, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and The New York Times reported on Monday. "It's a historic day for the league," James Ferraro told the paper. "This league will be much, much stronger, and it will be here for a long time because of what happened. "This is the farthest thing from the league folding," he added. "This is, in my opinion, just showing us the league will not fold." Ferraro could not be reached to comment.

Every time I bring up arena football in a crowd some jackass always says, "Dude, arena football is kind of cool, you should go and check out a game". And every time I scratch my chin and ask myself ,"How do I know him?" Arena football was never cool, maybe because it was marketed worse than a four-door Hyundai sedan. The only time a league comes back stronger, is literally if all the players use steroids in the off-season and come back stronger like the MLB in 95'. So unless the next game of arena football I see can easily be mistaken for a game of NFL Blitz, I'm going to have to say that Jimmy Ferraro is fat on his tits. With all that said, I would like to look back on other failed sports:

EliteXC

Just as the UFC began to challenge boxing for America's top fighting sport, a bunch of pinheads at CBS decided to saturate MMA (mixed martial arts) and create a world of dogshit fighting which I like to call KimboXC. The Newark fighting style of EliteXC had its entire stock riding on Kimbo Slice going undefeated and taking down the UFC champion. This bubble of glory popped like cauliflower ear the second Kimbo's weird head kissed the mat. In the end Kimbo's lack of Xyience and over-supply of facial hair proved to weigh too heavy on the 60 viewers they once had.

XLF

Rule numero uno of making a new sport out of a current sport is that the new sport has to be significantly different from the old one. How did Vince McMahon think that adding opening scrambles instead of kickoffs, eliminating the fair catch, and replacing cheerleaders with strippers would draw a crowd? Haha, I guess I see the irony...on paper it looks pretty good. Well, some good things came out of the failure of the XFL: skycam, Tommy Madox and the Hustler Club. But most importantly Vince McMahon's fucked up business plan drove him to compensate failure by using steroids and showing his McMahther his muscles.

WORLD FOOTBALL LEAGUE

The year is 1974, and just two months into the opening season of the WFL two teams relocate. Two months into the season two teams relocated? Sounds a little bit like the New Orleans Saints and Hornets in 2005, with one major difference. There was no fucking hurricane in 1974, the league just sucked hurricane sized dick. Throwing a bunch of football hippies into one arena is as effective as trying to kill someone by throwing a bunch of pop rocks into their soda. No dice, no fans, no class.

Mad Off Investment Securities

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 07:30:00 +0000

BOSTON/NEW YORK -- Bernard Madoff, the longtime Wall Street executive accused of cheating investors worldwide out of $50 billion, scrambled to find relatives or friends to guarantee his $10 million bond on Tuesday and keep him of jail. In New York, Madoff, who was arrested last week, has not yet fully met the conditions of his $10 million bond, according to court papers. He must find three co-signers to guarantee the bond. Madoff, a former chairman of the Nasdaq Stock Market, faces up to 20 years in prison and a maximum fine of $5 million if convicted.

Since we are talking finance I'm going to have to break down the numbers:

($50 billion profit/$5 million maximum fine) = 10,000% ROI

(40 Years of Being Rich/[40 years of Being Rich + 20 Years in Prison]) = 67% of the Time Being Really Rich

I can't say I have ever heard of such a simple yet effective scheme, so I'm going to have to give this old man some credit. I mean all he is really doing is paying back original investors with new investor money and posting fake profits. Call me dumb but doesn't that sound a little bit like the loans and losses of the financial sector? Bernard managed to come to the same result as Citi Bank and AIG except he did it all by himself. I vote that we not only use some of that TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) money to bail out Badoff Investment Securities LLC, but we should also name him as the CEO of GM and have him fuck over Toyota. America...fuck yea.

John Walsh is Batman?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 01:01:00 +0000

?????

HOLLYWOOD, Florida -- For nearly three decades, John Walsh's black leather jackets and swagger have made him a crime-fighting cultural icon. But when he returned this week to the Hollywood police station, he was once again the father of a murdered child. Perhaps to save themselves, they made it their mission to preserve Adam's legacy by helping other crime victims. The abduction and murder of Adam Walsh also fundamentally changed the way law enforcement agencies look for missing children. Walsh, who before Adam's murder was a hotel developer, went to Capitol Hill and began a second career as an activist for crime victims. Hollywood police were accused of some major blunders in their investigation, and Wagner apologized to the Walshes for those mistakes. The case, he said, "made us a better agency.... If this same type of situation were to occur today, I would tell you it would be a much quicker, much better, much cleaner outcome."

Hold on, hold on. I can't believe I missed this for so long. So what your telling me is that John Walsh is or was:

a) Seeking vengeance for a slain family member

b) Formerly a wealthy hotel developer

c) Wears black leather and bears a deep, raspy voice

d) Works with authorities to fix police corruption and policy

e) Hosts America's Most Wanted which has Caught 1049 fugitives (376 of which have "turned themselves in")?

No body ever gets to the letter (e) when running down a similarities to Batman list unless they're talking about Michael Keaton. Three-hundred seventy six people turned themselves in? Yeah fucking right. At dusk Walsh has been repelling from the ceilings of molesters and fucking them so hard that they confess (and for argument sake let's just say that he is not giving them a reach-around). Officer Wagner said himself that the police have been a much better agency since John Walsh's son's death. Yeah because Walsh has been stringing up bad guys like it's Halloween in Gotham. Whenever someone watches Batman they always think to themselves, "How doesn't everyone know that Bruce Wayne is Batman?" Well how hypocritical am I? John Walsh is a hotel tycoon turned crime fighter who only shows up once in a blue moon to give me the rundown of criminals he has caught. Ottis Toole, a convicted pedophile and murderer, was officially named the killer of Adam Walsh. The problem is that Toole died in prison of an unrelated incident in 1996. HAHA, unrelated incident? I have a strong feeling that in 1996 John Walsh managed to find himself in a scuffle with Toole where he had the opportunity to save his life, but just didn't have a good enough grip.

A commemoration of the closing of Walsh's son's case:

Everybody Poops

Chris Galdi — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 01:25:00 +0000

"Well I was your boss once"
"You were, and are no longer. How did that happen?"

Square-Framed Green Pin Heads

Chris Galdi — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 21:32:00 +0000

NEW YORK (CBS) -- This year's Times Square Ball is double the size of previous balls and is covered in 2,668 Waterford Crystals. Weighing nearly 12,000 pounds and measuring 12 feet in diameter, the ball is 20 percent more energy efficient than last year's – consuming only the same amount of energy per hour as it would take to operate two traditional home ovens.

Green. The newest it term to storm America since carb-free and Chuck-Norris. Yet hearing green makes my face turn the color, as people once again hop on the bandwagon of square-framed, Apple pinheads. Fact: No body gives a rock-skipping piss about things that do not immediately effect their lives. I can't stand when people take these noble causes overboard, I traditionally would like my new years eve ball to illuminate Broadway like a god damn solar eclipse. Lights in buildings should flicker when that fucker drops. I don't want to hear that I couldn't even harness it's energy into a triple-decker Maytag. There is an Apple commercial with a voice over of some fruit cake claiming that Apple makes the greenest family of notebooks. I dare you to open it and chew on the battery. And what the fuck are you doing with these things when your done with them anyway, planting them in your garden? No, we are sending them to China for compost. China sends us their garbage (Yao Ming) and we send them ours, it's a fair trade. Also green suddenly has more meanings than the English word set. Green could be used to emphasize ecology, grassroots democracy, nonviolence, and social justice. What the fuck; I can't emphasize shit, throw-up, snot, ear-wax, eye buggers and Bill Crosby by saying brown. Green is just a giant marketing scheme deployed to get these square-framed liberals to empty their wallets on solar powered vibrators and environmentally friendly deodorant. Hey, I have a New Years resolution for all of you: stop riding your bicycles in the middle of the road 10 mph under the speed limit.

The Amish are Short on Cash, and Long on Ash

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:09:00 +0000

I guess Ishmael and Roy Munson didn't have to beat Ernie McKracken after all. This infomercial comes as an absolute shocker to me because it is a paradox. If the Amish people are whipping up electric fireplaces then they are not Amish. All I see is a handful of odd looking people from west Pennsylvania dressed like Amish people screwing together Ikea plywood. But more importantly, why are they even mentioning the Amish? Let me be absolutely clear: saying that something is made by the Amish is like saying that something is made by a 34 year old Ukrainian, nobody fucking cares. Actually, saying that an Amish screwed that thing together makes me not want it. I mean why would I trust a guy who has never been around electricity. This thing has no gas, so that means that inside all that cheap Amish wood is an electrically induced blaze. Heat your house? Yeah, to the fucking ground.

Note: I thought all the Amish people died 50 years ago and the only ones left were just in dress like civil war re-enactors

This is the Back of His Head

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:26:00 +0000

I thought it was entertaining when people glued eyes to their chin and talked upside down. This guy makes Captain Jack Sparrow's eye makeup look like a 1st grade Halloween costume. Is it just me or do you want to punch this guy in the back of the head (face)?

JD Power and Associates

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:47:00 +0000

Who the fuck cares? I really could stop right there, but I won't because I really hate JD Power. Here is why: JD Power has been a part of some of the worst car commercials of all time. It is karma, if you are watching a good show, you will be pummeled with four different companies bragging about their JD Power pieces during the break. Bragging about a JD trophy is like trying to get recruited for a college sport and writing on your application that you won the presidential physical fitness award. If you really listen you will hear them say "we won the JD Power award for best mid sized coup with 20-30 mpg"; what are their 2 cars in each class? I vote JD wins their own award for best small sized cock with 100-110 awards per month. To commemorate JD Power, I want to list the JD Power and Associates Award to the top three other useless awards:

1) VH1 Critics Choice Awards: What the same critics who aired The Flavor of Love Part Tre and A Real Chance of Love?

2) GamePro Video Game Star Rating: I believe the range on their rating scale waivers drastically from 3.5 stars to 4 stars. No one is getting paid off there.

3) New York Times Bestseller List: This post has a 30% chance of making the list.

Girls' Names

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:56:00 +0000

You would think that after going through 4 years of college I would finally realize that when a girl tells me her name at a bar it would be in my best interest to remember it. But no, the name doesn't even go through one ear and out the other, it fucking pole vaults my entire head. Now for a while I was thinking that I was insane for repeating this behavior, but then a realized that the problem lies in the names of these girls. For instance, guys names vary drastically from one to another like Carl and Chris. Both start with the same letter but are distinctly different. Now girls get silly and start with the Christina, Chrissy, Kristen, Christine, Lauren, Laura, Ally, Allison, Alex, Sarah, Samantha, Jen, Jill, Amanda, Amy business. If you fuck one letter up you get stereo-typed as a retarded mope. Ever get introduced to a group of six+ girls? It's like memorizing pie (∏). To add to the IQ test, chicks make sure that at least one of their friends shares their name to lure you into a feeling of comfort thinking it is one less name to memorize. This comfort is dangerous because it usually leads to not remembering the name at all and hence forgetting two girls names and once. Next time you go out just be sure to pronounce Kristen and not Christina or your cock will pay.

Wiley Waterboy Hot Like a Pistol

Chris Galdi — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:25:00 +0000

I don't understand why it took Coach Klein so long to suit up Bobby Boucher. This story is reported as a miracle, but in reality it is just a story of a coach who hates autistics; either that or this kid is not autistic. I have met a few in my lifetime, and none of them can light up the arc like Reggie Miller. Being that the crowd morale clearly discloses the kid's autism, I feel that this coach should be put down as the worst grade school hoops coach of all time. He goes right up there with the coach who axed Jordan from his high school team. Question: Why does this cynical fuck have the water boy doing push ups if he is not going to start? I mean if I was coach I would set my entire starting roster with autistics. Imagine how fucked it would be if five autistics charged the court snowballing threes? People would be slitting their own throats in the stands with excitement. I personally would barrel my head through my computer screen if that video ever popped up on youtube. Movie Idea...White Men Can't Jump II: A team of (1) Autistic and (1) Liam Neeson.

Drunken Horseback Riding

Chris Galdi — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 01:20:00 +0000

CODY - A Cody, Wyoming man has been cited for public intoxication while riding his horse on a busy street during a weekend snowstorm. An officer stopped Daniels to explain that drivers were having difficulty spotting his slow-moving white horse as he was riding along Yellowstone Avenue near a Wyoming Wal-Mart, said Assistant Police Chief George Menig.
As police continued to observe Daniels, it was clear that he was "highly intoxicated," Menig said. Police saw Daniels drinking beer as he moved behind Cassie's Bar and Supper Club, apparently in an attempt to avoid them, Menig said. Daniels had been spotted earlier riding along Highway 120 between Road 2AB and the Shoshone River. Menig said police did not know the reason for his excursion.

Regardless of weather conditions, I thought all people rode horses in Wyoming. Let's be clear, if you are slamming into horses with your car maybe you are the one who should keep the keys on the dresser. Not to mention this guy had the state of mind to navigate the stallion behind the bar to avoid police. I couldn't navigate a horse to a bushel of hay if I was sober. The reason for his excursion could not be more transparent, he wanted to ride his fucking horse in the snow while drinking a beer. Is there anything wrong with that? What else do people do in Wyoming? The state web site calls Wyoming the Cowboy State. Arresting this guy is like locking up a Wisconsin resident for making cheese. Speaking of Wisconsin, which state is more brutal; Wyoming or Wisconsin? Both start with the letter W which is as odd as the people who live there. Wyoming looks like it was formed by carving out the other states first and then calling the remaining square Wyoming. The original settlers were just pussies who couldn't ball out through the Oregon Trail. Actually, fuck that, the Oregon Trail is gay too. You have to walk through Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming and Idaho, and here's the kicker; your final destination is fucking shitty Oregon. The only thing the Oregon Trail ever brought to the table was the 1996 video game. Now I'm just rambling, fill out the shitty state survey below and we can solve this once and for all.

Phelps Caught Huffing Rub

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 03:33:00 +0000

Columbia, South Carolina - The glass pipes are generally used to smoke cannabis.
And after sporting chiefs announced laws which mean four-year bans for drug-taking, Phelps’ dreams of adding to his overall 14 gold medal tally at the 2012 games in London could already be OVER. “He arrived with a group of girls hanging all over him. Jaws hit the floor when he walked in. You don’t get many celebrities in Columbia, so when Phelps comes to your party it’s a very big deal. “He didn’t know many people so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go. “Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”

I want to know the name of the the paparazzi that snapped this photo. I mean what a fucking d bag. Sounds like Phelps rolled up to a party with hand fulls of chicks, slamming beer, and even taking home gold in the ice luge. The only person that would take a photo like this is a jealous swimmer. Do swimmers fulfill vengeful feelings by snapping incriminating photos? If I am Phelps I would wait off the coast of Myrtle Beach in snorkel gear and then shark attack this guy's beans and bomb. Not to mention bongs are legally sold in America. I am not a lawyer but shouldn't people give Phelps the benefit of the doubt and assume that the product is tobacco? I do not see any nugget in that room. But on the other hand Phelps would probably lose more endorsements if people found out that he was huffing bong hits of tobacco. I mean who does that? Next thing I know Phelps is going to be on the cover of the NY Post chiefing a Dutch Master.

The Boss Leaves His Stones in Tampa

Chris Galdi — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 04:30:00 +0000

Sequence of Events:

1) The Boss Hears Trumpets

2) The Boss Gets Revved up Like a Gorilla Getting Raped

3) The Boss sails his Dog and Dice into a HD camera

I've never been to one of his concerts but I assume this is the cornerstone of his success.

Ibepokin

Chris Galdi — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:47:00 +0000

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

8 Out, 1 In

Chris Galdi — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 03:57:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES -- The Southern California mother of octuplets is being offered $1 million to star in hardcore porn. Vivid Entertainment spokeswoman Jackie Martin says the offer also promises a year of health insurance for Nadya Suleman and her 14 children. Suleman gave birth to octuplets at a Bellflower hospital on Jan. 26, and already had six other children. The home the unemployed single-mother lives in is facing foreclosure.

Let me re-paint the picture. You got Steve Hirsh, the founder of Vivid.com, sitting around watching the ten O'clock news. A heart warming story develops which stars a Southern California woman who births a historic eight children. Hirsh does some surface research and discovers that her house is in foreclosure and her fourteen person family is in need of health care. Hirsh decides not to help her with charity, yet concludes that the best thing he could do is stroke the hairs on his chin and drop an A-Bomb of a moral dilemma on the woman. So before Hirsh calls the woman to the negotiating table, he does some simple math and calculates the potential revenue he could generate: at a $33.97 monthly subscription rate to Vivid.com Hirsh sharply estimates that 29,438 people will want to hammer in their Visa's and hammer out a beat to this eight-headed sump pit creating his $1 million price tag. Yet I have a feeling that the crop of grain that wants to struggle with their dick while watching this post-preggers pony doesn't have the $33.97 to spare. We are talking about an estranged hoard of gas whose dicks pop up like a seal at Sea World when they hear the opening musical segment to the Rachel Ray show. This is the same flock of freak that pays top dollar for extra prints of Cooperstown Little Majors baseball cards. With that said I doubt that Hirsh will attract the 29,438 rich deviants needed to cover his Dr. Evilesque costs. Alright, alright; now that the profitable angle of Hirsh's strategy is painted black, I would like to consider the bonus offer of health care. So Nadya and Hirsh finally negotiate that one million dollars is acceptable, but as they are leaving the negotiating table Nadya murmurs, "but I still don't have health care". At this point Hirsh caves to the pressures of negotiating and rants, "You want health care? I got health care. I'll give ya health care. Look I got health care. Give her some health care". Now the stage is set for her moral demise all the while Robert Redford patiently waits by his Hewlett-Packard with a full palm of Vaseline SLOWLY, handling is stick.

H

Chris Galdi — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 04:40:00 +0000

Gastonia -- Gastonia police discovered heroin, marijuana and paraphernalia when they searched a Gastonia woman, according to arrest warrants. Walker had three balloons of heroin, six needles, two crack pipes, marijuana and rolling papers when she was searched Sunday at KFC, 2201 W. Franklin Blvd., the warrant states.

I grew up in a suburban town in New Jersey and went to college in the suburbs of Massachusetts; so heroin has never been readily accessibly. Not only that, but I can't even say that I have truly ever seen the drug in person. If I asked the most involved drug dealer in town for heroin they would give my the number for Doctor Phil. With that said, I would like to know if anyone just dabbles with the drug. I'm talking recreational use of H. Some thing on the lines of, "Hey Steve, want to grab a pint and catch the game?" Yeah sounds good, but lets spike some H like we did last summer before we go." The kind of use where the H only comes out on big occasions like New Years, birthdays and St. Patrick's Day. Or is the drug so strong that with one dose you'll find yourself stocking up needles like dugout baseball bats in Yankee Stadium? When I hear of the arrest report of this Gastonia women I feel sad for her tortured soul, but I feel even worse that with all that dope she was found without a lighter.

MLB: Juice the Rules

Chris Galdi — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:55:00 +0000

One hundred sixty-two fucking games. I mean baseball is great but that's a lot of fucking games. If you look at the NFL season there are only sixteen. Which means that each one counts 10x more than each baseball game. A single loss in the MLB is like wiping and getting poo on your knuckles, it seems bad at first but then you realize it's not the end of the world. But shouldn't a loss feel, and actually be more impactful? So how do you fix this? Easy. Since each team usually plays other ball clubs in three game sets during the season, just have the winner of each mini-series get credited with one win. Now you just took a record that was 100 Wins - 62 Losses and made it a significant and entertaining 33-21. So if a team wins 2 out of 3 games or 3 out of 3 they get the win. What this does is it takes the inconsequential result of a single baseball game and makes the result about as critical as a Roberto Alomar AIDS test. Now you may be thinking, why would teams even try to win the third game if they already lost the first two? Because playoff home field advantage and tie breakers would be determined by net record dummie. Not to mention each new series would bring the feeling of a clean slate and new energy. Local bars would be packed numerous times per season with patrons coming to watch game three tie breakers. This one's on me Bud Selig. Your Welcome. As for Tim Raines, I will find you and rape-blow you for what you did to me.

(Please notice the pitch being thrown in the MLB logo. It is observably out of the strike zone and the batter is clearly not swinging at the nipple scorcher)

In this Economy...

Chris Galdi — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:55:00 +0000

I bitterly hate people who use the idiom "in this economy" as a prelude to idiotic generalizations. We all understand that the economy is bad, but Jesus, please don’t use it as an excuse to fuck the neighbor’s dog. If you haven’t been laid off in the past year please do not blame your laziness or stupidity on the state of the economy. Take a look at how my life has been affected by the economy:
a) My brokerage account has shrunk but I still have a steady paycheck
b) Shit is cheaper. I went into a local clothing shop and asked for the price of a shirt. Before he even got the face value out of his mouth he crumbles and says "in this economy ill give it to you for half"
c) I got a lot of money back on tax returns
d) I had to fuck the neighbor’s dog for kibble and shelter
So as you can see I’m doing just fine. And in the future if the economy ever rebounds, remember, you can always blame it on God.

(Note: That picture has nothing to do with anything)

Danny Gans Passes

Chris Galdi — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:13:00 +0000

Las Vegas, Nevada -- Sin City performer extraordinaire Danny Gans—relatively unknown outside of Las Vegas, but a megastar on the Strip—died in his sleep early this morning at the age of 52. His cause of death was not immediately known. While Gans began his career as a pro baseball player, eventually nabbing a bit part in Bull Durham, he has been a Vegas mainstay since 1996 and, befitting his stature, had the honor of possessing the largest freestanding marquee in the world.

Danny Gans is fucking dead. Wow. I feel like I gave him the curse of death in my Danny Gans post. Yet anytime someone dies in Vegas you have to suspect that there was foul play. If you have even been to Vegas then you know that Danny Gans is to Vegas as Adam West is to Quahog. He is the boss man, the dick in the gravy, the king with the crown, the glasses on Bob Sagat's face. So how does such a local celebrity pass so silently? I have the top three possibilities:

1) Gans was tied down and had his armits tickled by Penn; all the while Teller took out a sketch pad and drew the struggle for air until he passed. 2) "The Cirque" of the Cirque du Soleil had Gans doing perpetual back flips in a giant crab suit until Gans finally passed from exhaustion.

3) The Mirage's main showroom is cursed: Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy was bitten on the neck by a seven-year-old male tiger named Montecore back in '03 in the same room.