ChrisGaldi.com

A Rundown of Famous Mimes

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Robert Shields, popularized mime in America in the 1980's with the TV show, Shields and Yarnell
Joseph Grimaldi, English clown and pantomimst (1778-1837)
Jean-Gaspard Deburau, French pantomimist who transformed the character of Pierrot in the traditional harlequinade (1796-1846)
Ètienne Decroux, the father of modern mime
Jean Louis Barrault, a pupil of Decroux who used abstract mime
Marcel Marceau, a Decroux's pupil also; the most famous mime Universally acclaimed as the World's Greatest Mime
Jewel Walker, one of America's best stage mimes
Desmond Jones, famed British mime; runs the Desmond Jones School of Mime
Ecole Jacques Lecoq, famed mime teacher for use of masks

Who's Your Favorite?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO – Won't kiss on the first date? How about waiting until marriage?
Chicagoans Melody LaLuz and Claudaniel Fabien shared their first kiss Saturday at the altar. The two teach abstinence at the city's public schools and practiced what they preached to their teenage students. The Chicago Tribune reports that the couple had never kissed and that they had never been alone together in a house.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

ROME (Reuters) – An Italian right-wing party is offering 1,500 euros ($1,930) to parents who name their babies after wartime fascist dictator Benito Mussolini or his wife Rachele, saying their names are under threat.

Not a bad chunck of change for the name. I just can't wait for the increase in little Mussolini's

What Did I Eat for Lunch Today?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Since graduating college, my short term memory (previously used to remember obserdly long acrynoms before tests; which I now realize all started with the word Every for some reason) has deteriorated. So I compiled a list of mondane things that I can't quite recall and how I try to deal with them in my mind:

1) "Did I use the conditioner yet, I could have sworn I used the conditioner already? Worst case scenario I'll just be conditioning twice. Better safe than sorry (dollop)."

2) "What program was I watching before it went to commercial, was it Dancing with the Stars? No, it couldn't be Dancing with the Stars"

Reading on the Bowl

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

What is it about taking a shit that turns a man into a librarian? I have resorted to reading the back of a Garnier Fructice bottle in the absence of the Post. And this doesn't just go for #2. Nothing is better than looking up from the urinal at Hooters and seeing the front page of the sports section. I kid you not that I will read every line with eye splitting detail long after the last shake. This leads me to a new business idea: toilet shaped college desk chairs and porcelin urinal podiums. If I read

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Oregon -- A 20-year-old woman who set a tow truck on fire as it was about to tow away a car has been sentenced to two years of probation. Allen was arrested Sept. 16 after two witnesses said they saw her walk to the back of the truck, light something and run away. Police later determined the flaming object to be a fast-food bag. She has no adult criminal history, and after her arrest she reported that she'd been working for a temp agency because the Round Table Pizza she'd worked at closed for remodeling. "I don't remember the incident, but it doesn't sound like something in my character," Allen said after the hearing. The judge said he thought alcohol was a big factor in the arson."

I thought that if you get fired from a Round Table Pizzeria you have to

Treasury Bills Trade at Negative Rates as Haven Demand Surges

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Dec. 9 (Bloomberg) -- Treasuries rose, pushing rates on the three-month bill negative for the first time, as investors gravitate toward the safety of U.S. government debt amid the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. If you invested $1 million in three-month bills at today’s negative discount rate of 0.01 percent, for a price of 100.002556, at maturity you would receive the par value for a loss of $25.56.

That's it, I'm converting all my money to Aruba Florins and going to a strip club. Money is only worth what you spend it on

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

It has been a tough year for American Idol finalist Jennifer Hudson. I couldn't imagine going through the shit she is going through; really no one truly can say they would be able to deal with it. But I was thinking, if the shit really hit the fan for me how would I be able to cope? I say terribly, but I do know that there are certain things that no matter how bad it got I would feel temporary solice and numbness from the things going on around me. I am not talking about getting laid or watching the Giants win the Superbowl, I'm talking about temporary Nirvana:

1) Taking off a Winter Hat and Rubbing My Head: Sometimes I contemplate throwing on a wool hat just so I could take it off twenty minutes later and rub the shit out of my head

2) Getting out of the Shower and double Q-Tipping my Ears: If you never doubled down with tips you ought to give it a shot, why else do you think I'm always showering? (get your mind out of the gutter)

3) Getting the Back of My Neck Shaved at the Barber Shop: Probably the only time I have gay inclinations and want to fuck the barber. On an unrelated note they should make a barber shop where you get a shoulder massage at the end. The only downside is that I would be looking like a marine.

4) Drinking a Bottle of Water after a night of drinking: Better than the booze

5) Taking off my Ski boots off: Why else does anyone ski?

Yankees

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

New York -- The Yankees landed their top two choices from the free-agent pitching market within the span of 72 hours this week, with A.J. Burnett joining the party on Friday and agreeing to terms on a five-year, $82.5 million contract; and CC Sabathia for a seven-year $161 million contract.

Hey Red Sox fans, do you need some pussy with that wine? I could hear they crying already about the Yankees buying there way to a championship; well shut the fuck up and listen. Baseball has no salary cap, it is a sport designed for extravagant spending. If you don't pay for your players you are going to fall behind. I mean don't buy a baseball team unless you have the money to do so. I mean you don;t see me opening up a Home Depot, because I wouldn't have the money to stock the shelves. No salary cap is embedded in the rules of the game. The real person you should be bitching to is Bud Seilig rallying for a salary cap. What the sport needs is a Warren Buffet to buy a team and show the leauge that a salary cap is necessary. Not to mention there are two teams in New York. That means that we draw in nearly twice as much revenue as the Red Sox.

Quote of the Day: Charles Barkley

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

LAS VEGAS -- A rare winter storm swept through Southern Nevada Wednesday, dumping the most snow on the valley in nearly three decades, grounding flights at the airport, forcing the closure of major highways and closing schools for today.

Earlier this week Charles Barkley bet a large amount of money that there would be a snowstorm in Vegas on Wednesday. Here is what he had to say about the bet:

"I bet on Vegas snowstorms all da time. But dis time it really felt like a good bet. Snow is fun. Where am I?"
~Charles Barkley
Note: How creepy is that little girl with the unbrella in the background of that picture?

DUI: Not U and I Part Due

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

How fucking brutal is driving

DUI: Not U and I Part Due

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

How fucking brutal is driving and not knowing weather a cop is behind you or not. When I was little the only time I was impressed by human civilization when someone passed a cop and high beamed to those coming that there is a cop ahead. I want to take this concept a step further. For now on, when you are driving drunk and there is a car obnoxiously tailing you at a distance where you can't tell weather they are driving a Crown Vic or not, roll down your window and causally put your left hand out the window (palm up). If you are following someone who does this it is your duty to flash your high beams once and then fall back 30 ft to give them room to operate. Your safe, I'm safe, and you have peace of mind that I'm not Po 9.

China Cell Phones

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Guangzhiu, China -- The shop worker from Guangzhiu, China, died moments after he put a new battery in his phone, it has been claimed. It was believed that he may have just finished charging the battery and had put the phone in his breast pocket when it exploded. China's daily Shin Min Daily News said the accident happened on Friday, Jan 30, at 7.30pm. An employee at the shop told local media that she heard a loud bang and saw her colleague lying on the floor of the shop in a pool of blood. The employee said the victim had recently changed the battery in his mobile phone. Police are investigating what caused the explosion and whether the phone was counterfeit. The make and model of the phone are not thought to be known. Local reports said that this was the ninth recorded cellphone explosion in China since 2002. The Shin Min daily News published advice for consumers on how to avoid being hurt by exploding mobile phones, following the latest incident.
Some of the tips were:
– Always use original batteries.
– Do not expose your mobile phone to high temperatures, and avoid exposing it to direct sunlight.
– Avoid long phone conversations.

Black History Month

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON DC -- Rod Beckstrom, the federal government's chief of cybersecurity programs, has stepped down from the post. In his resignation letter, Beckstrom reportedly criticized the National Security Agency's central role in cybersecurity and said that a civilian agency, and not one that is part of the Department of Defense, should play a leading role in the effort.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Get Your Kiper On

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

With the predictability of a ninth grader wacking off before school, it is again the time of the year where we are bombarded with the intrusive head of Mel Kiper Jr. The only thing more off-basis than his picks is his Mexican busboy mop.

Among his failures in 1990, Kiper thought that Heisman Trophy winner and University of Houston quarterback Andre Ware would be an excellent NFL quarterback and a great match for the Detroit Lions-- Ware's tenure in the NFL was brief and inconspicuous. Ware is considered among the biggest busts in draft history In 1993, Kiper projected Notre Dame quarterback Rick Mirer as the 30th pick; he was selected second overall by the Seattle Seahawks In the 1995 Draft, Kiper proclaimed UCLA wide receiver JJ Stokes a "sure-thing" who was destined to be a future All-Pro. On draft day, Kiper lambasted several teams, including the New York Jets, for passing on Stokes until he was selected 10th overall by the San Francisco 49ers. Stokes spent an undistinguished 8 years in San Francisco in the shadows of Jerry Rice and Terrell Owens, never making a single Pro Bowl or even surpassing 770 yards receiving. In the same 1995 Draft, Kiper had rated BYU Quarterback John Walsh as a first round pick. Walsh declared for the draft after his Junior season and had an abysmal NFL combine where he ran a 5.3 forty yard dash and displayed a weak arm in workouts. Nonetheless, Kiper still rated Walsh as a late 1st/early 2nd round pick on the day of the draft and said he would be a perfect fit for a "West Coast Offense" team like the San Francisco 49ers because of his accuracy on short passes. Walsh slid all the way to the 7th round where he was finally taken by the Cincinnati Bengals. He never appeared in a single game for the quarterback needy Bengals and was out of football less than a year later. In 1997, Kiper stated off the air in an interview with Chris Mortenson that Coastal Carolina offensive lineman Adam Steuer was a future hall of famer. Adam Steuer fell to pick 169 to the Buffalo Bills, and would go on to lead a dismal 2-year career, and was eventually cut In 1998 Kiper said that Washington State Quarterback Ryan Leaf's "attitude" (which had rubbed teammates and coaches the wrong way in college) would be an asset in the NFL and give him a mental advantage over Peyton Manning. In 1999, Kiper said that Oregon quarterback Akili Smith would be a great NFL player and would finally provide the Cincinnati Bengals with the passer they'd lacked since Boomer Esiason Before the 2001 NFL season, Kiper predicted the New England Patriots to go 0-16 and have the 1st pick in the 2002 NFL Draft. Instead, the Patriots went 11-5 and went on to win Super Bowl XXXVI against the St. Louis Rams. One of Kiper's most well known mistakes was when he stated that USC wide receiver Mike Williams would be the best player in his 2005 draft class, despite not having played football in over a year after being ruled ineligible by the NCAA. When ESPN analyst Merril Hoge disagreed, Kiper uttered the now infamous line, "I'll see you at his Hall of Fame induction."

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

So what's really the deal with these things always being bull-packed. They can't get rid of enough of these shitty napkins.

I'm Cooler than You Shields

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Does have this sucion cupped to your windshield mean you could run over children in a school zone while selling crack and not signaling? My second question is if I steal one will anyone know? or is it like king arthor's sword an whoever posseses it has the power. Do cops give them out

Signs

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

The floor isn't actually wet here. So by deductive reasoning I would not take this Leonidas caution with a grain of salt.

Ketchup, mustard. Meat, potatoes. Shoes, socks. Wide rim hats, hand grenades. Listen brother, if I am looping hand grenades in the suburbs on, or around Fathers' Day, you better bet your cunt I am going to be togged up in a wide rim hat, open toe sandals and beige dress socks to the knees. Love the open Sunday sign just to rub the prospect of death in the face of the church on the Sabbath day. And what the fuck is up with the SURPLUS of army supplies. Did Norman Schwarzkopf and Gary Busey both pass on?

I thought autism was a brain development disorder characterized by impaired social interaction and communication. That being said, where is the threat of autistics lunging into oncoming traffic? I mean isn't that the reason the sign was made? To warn passer-bys of risky autistics with springy legs and a death wish. You have to appreciate this kid though. His parents in a patronizing tone probably said, "Johnny, that sign is made just for you." Then he was like "Should I pose by it? Fuck it I'll pose by it."

What the flip cup is up with the white bar in the middle of the DO NOT ENTER SIGN. To me it looks like it is an ideal spot for

people to write things in with a Sharpe marker. So i was thinking about possibilities of things that could be written in this space:

DO NOT _______ ENTER

a) Exit Or
b) Have Pants on If You

c) Slow Down Upon

Or the least they can do is write "DO NOT ENTER" in the blank space. Maybe it is a analogy of words refusing to enter their proper space.

This sign isn't actually real, but it sure as hell should be. The side walks were designed for shit without motors. Period. If you are on a 40 mph road going 35 mph that's not going to cut it. Cause I'm going to be traveling at 50 in the same 40 mph zone, and physics tell us that you and your shitty Schwinn are going to slow me down by 15 mph. Now it becomes a battle involving me trying to time a pass on your spandex ass on my right, and at the same time avoid oncoming cars to my left. I end up looking like Sean Connery trying to time his entrance into the Rock. What really pisses me off is that if you accidentally hit one of these fruitcakes you would be in court quicker than you could get out of your car and tell em' to go fuck themselves. And why do they wear the aerodynamic clothing and keep racing posture? Your not Lance Armstong; primarily because no body likes you.

This is a great example of an update we need to make in our present day society. In this day in age why do we have stick figures on the bathroom door that appear to have no desire to go and are dressed in Amish clothing? Yes, sometimes I go to the bathroom without urgency as well, especially if I am at home as have a magazine to read. But whenever I am using a public john I hold it in till it hurts; frankly because it is not a pleasant place to be. Public restrooms are not pleasant, and by no means are they rooms to rest in. What is up with the term restroom? Let’s call a spade a spade. Is it not politically correct to call it a bathroom? Yes, I know the public porcelain does not come with a bath, and thank Christ it doesn't, but that's what it is right, a bathroom?

It may just be me, but that fire-ball chasing him down the stair shaft looks a bit more risky than the elevator. I like how this is one of the only signs in the history of fire signs that addresses the urgency of the fire by showing the stick guy hoping (4) steps at a time.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I go through my ordinary day in the company of door locks, especially when I am in the bathroom. Why is it then, when I am drunk at a house party all bathroom doors do not have locks. Usually my first reaction is ahh, I must just be too drunk to figure this one out. But in reality, no, your not too drunk the owners were just prick bastards. You end up having to take a shit with on foot spralled accross the tile floor creating a makeshift door jamb. Then comes a flood of people whop want to enter and then the door top part opens a crack and everyone sees you shitting and wants to know why you are on the bowl in the middle of a party. Maybe because you have been shoving little 2" sandwiches and doritos down my garb the entire night.

Question of the Day with Bill Plaschke

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Mac VS PC Chess Match

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Is it not possible to watch an entire American Idol show without also reviewing twelve mac/pc ads? I still don't understand why pc doesn't come back with a rebuttal to all these commercials. Its like watching Maximus get lashed by the wooden sword and not do anything. Isn't it up to Microsoft or Dell to step up and represent the PC's here. I realize that there may be only one way to solve this problem. A mac VS pc chess match. I am going to run a chess match on the opposing platforms and see which computer is really better. It will be like joining Mr T and Ivan Draggo in the ring. I will run the game and I am taking bets.

Turnpike Refs

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

So I am crusing down the shore on the NJ Turnpike I start getting pissed off about the quantity and intent of the sign in the picture posted to the left. Every 15 feet there is a post that appears to look like a football referee signaling that a fiels goal is good. The have about as much purpose as a

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Drunk Girl Smashes Her Face - Watch more Funny Videos

Michael Jackson Reaction

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

It took up to a half-hour for paramedics to be called to Michael Jackson's home after the singer was found stricken in the bedroom of his mansion. Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael's physician, was unfamiliar with his surroundings and that delayed the call. "He didn't know where he was, didn't know the physical address,". "There was no land line, no phone in Jackson's room that would have allowed him to call, except his cell phone. It was all happening so fast." Alford said he doesn't know how long Murray performed CPR on the singer on his bed before rushing downstairs to find someone to call 911. But the singer's trainer, actor and bodybuilder Lou Ferrigno, said Jackson was "in fantastic shape." "He might have been a little thin because he was under a lot of stress training for the tour," said Ferrigno.

In summary you have doctor with the bearings of a blind unich, and a trainer who doesn't lift for fun. Doctor Conrad Murray didn't know where he was? Was he not in the Neverland Ranch? Holy shit that's like president Obama

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Is this the same horse from Animal House? I don't care if you are fucking Cesar Milan, that horse going in this bitches face is flat out frightening. It's like he is the

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Chia Obama

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I was up late last night when a Chia pet commercial aired for Chia Obama. This is not a joke. He is being served in happy and determined facial expressions and is sold on the official website http://www.chiaobama.com/.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Fourth of July is a day for beers, baseball, bar-b-ques and fireworks. This firework however found this dudes nuts and didn't let go.

0% Anything

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Museum Tours

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

This next piece is from the Baroque era , and painted in opposition to the Renaissance style blah blah blah. Museums suck because they provide bland information about the art. If I am running a museum each piece is going to come with the following information:

a) How much is the piece worth

b) Were there any deaths as a result of its creation

c) One interesting fact about the art

If it does not fulfill at least two of the above categories do not hang it up in a museum. People are interested in places of death or where people have died. Death and sex sell, problem is on of them is illegal these days. The Colosseum is a giant tourist attraction because of death.

Lebron

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

This video is a testiment to the skill of Lebron James. With the hype of this video I thought I was going to be watching

Ground "Balls"

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

An original sketch of a recreation coach telling his players to field ground balls off their bodies

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

3) Gnats: G-nats...wud up? Gnats may seem like thoughtless flying specs of dust but do not be fooled. Just because they don't have a face doesn't mean that their intentions are malicious and accidental.

Democrats play Soliatre in Budget Debate

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

If I learned one thing in school it was to sit in the back of the classroom while playing computer games. Not only that but you have to keep up important looking windows behind the games for a quick disguize. But maybe I was raised into these skills growing up with computers. When you give old people computers they don't know the basic tricks.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

H1N1 Vaccination

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

The entire population of America is frantically rushing to pharmacies to get injected with a needle. It sounds like the opening sequence to a Resident Evil plot. I'm not a conspiracy guy, but i think I'm going to pass on this H1N1 juice. The swine flu is the flu.

Whatcha Say. What THEY Said.

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I'm not going to lie, when I heard this song Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo

Eminem - Sing for the Moment Aerosmith - Dream On Gym Class Heros - Cupids Chokehold Supertramp - Breakfast in America Nas - Hip Hop is Dead Iron Butterfly - In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida 2Pac- Changes Bruce Hornsby - That's the Way It Is

4th and 2

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Bill Belickik is taking a ot of heat for going for 4th and 2 on the Colts 28 yeard line in last night's 34-35 loss. Listen, if you can't get 2 yeards you deserve to lose. People cry about coaches not punting, but what is punting? Punting is a long turnover. People take comfort in knowing that on fourth down the other team is going to punt. I guarantee when the Patriots went for it on fourth down ever Colts fan said Fuck. It almost seems like it is cheating when you go for it on fourth.

Icing the Kicker

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

NFL coaches do something called "Icing the Kicker". Right before a important field goal kick, opposing coaches call a time out which gives the kicker some time to build up nerves and think about the ensuring kick. However, last night in the Texans V.S. Titans game coach Jeff Fisher did not call the predicatable icing time out. He rather let the Texans snap the field goal attempt in sequence which resulted in Kris Brown fucking duffing the kick so bad he missed the net. I think this situation is anti-testament to conventional thinking and ridiculous theory.

Hibachi

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

For some, going out for a nice Japanese hibachi meal is a religious experience. They make reservations weeks before and build anticipation for the meal. Those people worship dinner shows. Japanese hibachi chefs are

Jillian Michaels

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

I can't decide weather or not Jillian Michaels, a fitness guru, is sexy or scary. I really doubt weather or not I could kick her ass. The bitch is pretty, but thats the problem, she's a bitch. She wears a face like she is going to plug your asshole witha c ork and then make you do pushups.

Michael Cera: The Rise of the "Pussy" in America

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Shitshow

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

At some point in time, the term "shitshow" got associated with heavy binge drinking. Of course I could not tell you exactly when or how this happened, but I can sure postulate... A group of guys/girls got together and drank enough booze to melt paint. In a drunken stupor, a certain performance was held. Children from all the neighboring towns came to see this performance. When the curtains opened a man was cautiously pooping pellets through the rim of an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. He was wearing a tuxedo, and simultaneously whispering the lyrics of Lisa Loeb's "Do You Sleep". Just as the music reached a crescendo, his girlfriend in a red magician suit ran on stage and started angrily tickling her own underarms. No one is laughing. As the bottle filled to the top, the man began shaving his forearms. He uncomfortably pulled up his tuxedo pants and assumed a low crouching position. With his palms facing the ceiling and extended away from his body as if in preyer, the man began to bob his head as if trying to snap his own neck. A pale moron then entered from the kitchen and took a fucking shit all over the guy in the Tux. And I mean a fucking shit. Since they guy was bobbing his head so ferociously, he had no idea that a load was dropped on his wing tips. He girlfriend began to cry. In the midst of weeping, the woman took her hands, which were covered in blood from tickling her armpits, and dumped the contents on the bottle of Jack into her palms. With hands covered in shit she grabbed the head of her boyfriend in the Tux and snapped his neck. She then laid next the her dead boyfriend and continued to attack her armpits with the bloody, shit-covered hands. This opened up an ideal opportunity for the fucking moron from the kitchen to dump a storm on shit on the bodies on the floor. The woman mourns her loss. As the bodies are enveloped in a grave of the moron’s shit, a member from the audience begins to applaud the lude behavior.

Meet the Nation’s 1st Legal Male Prostitute

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Details - A 25 year old from Los Angeles will become the first legal male prostitute in this America’s history. “Markus” (his working name) booked a job at the Shady Lady Ranch brothel, two-and-a-half-hours northwest of Las Vegas. His story is about to become a national sensation. Read on to find out why.

Any girl with feet, can easily find a healthy cock at the end of a sweating goof. Getting laid is a simple task for females. All they have to do is walk into a bar and say hi.

Just Tell Me Where the Bathroom Is..

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Human Anatomy

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Canada Wins Hockey Gold...But USA Won't Let them Celebrate

Chris Galdi — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 20:00:00 +0000

Welcome to The Beginning of Space Time

Chris Galdi — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:49:00 +0000

According to the Big Bang model, the ChrisGaldi.com expanded from an extremely dense and hot state and continues to expand today. A common analogy explains that space itself is expanding, carrying galaxies with it, like raisins in a rising loaf of bread.

D Fence

Chris Galdi — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:30:00 +0000

Every Sunday I sit down to watch football, and without fail during every game I get hit with a pair of goofs holding up D-Fence signs.
1) Usually held by guys older than thirty
2) It is annoying to the people behind you (as you can see in this picture the guy in the white is watching the game on the jumbo-tron while determining a good time to leak Coke on their ankles)
3) These people actually have to make these signs. Not once have I been in a Home Depot and seen these for sale. That fence with all the detailed cutting must take at least 10 minutes to make (and for these goops probably 20)
I vote that TV cameras stop showing these merms on television (sort of like the streaker-effect) so that they stop making these signs and ruining Sundays

Is this Guy Whipped?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 04:57:00 +0000

Starts out great with old guy enjoying the 11:00 showing of Seinfeld, and like clockwork after the first solid joke he gets fucking brutalized by that snhore (old sleeping whore). Next he is clearly enjoying a NY Jet loss, when the woman snipes him from the kitchen. Listen Up? What this guy needs is a loud tone to be blasted through those phones to drown out his surrounding life, or wife. I'd rather be forced to dip my feet in water before I put my socks on everyday than to go to bed with her. Plus, you know that the dude at the gym is getting fucking thrashed by those bitches, if anything this device just cycles through complementary sayings like a Tickle-me-Elmo doll. This can't be more evident than when the neighbors in the street say, "he sounds nice", sounds a little like dubbed audio; or dimensia? And last but not least I'm nearly certain that the stroker at the childrens football game is also a mute. How can anyone endure booming cheering with a hearing aid in, the black guy in the woods passed.

Goof or Troop?

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:28:00 +0000

J NEL...Just Not Enough Leverage. I preach it but no one listens. This couldn't have gone more wrong. Life question: why did that backboard have to break right then?

Fogle

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:38:00 +0000

Jared Fogle slips up on his diet. We all saw this nooshe (fat fuck) crumbling. [no audio]

And Jared the next day after nooshing out below...

The Best Thing that Could Happen in Soccer

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:02:00 +0000

Cover your face and you get hit in the nuts, cover your nuts and you get hit in the face. The classic catch 22. Wierd thing is, by the location that the kid was standing, this was the ideal scenario he was hoping for, to block the ball with his frame.

Blow Horn

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:13:00 +0000

If I was friends with this kid I would have an air horn key chain and fire it off every time he is around. I really can't believe that a noise would lead to such a complete collapse of motor skills. I actually have to give props to his friends; because they must know that this dude folds around blow horns, why else for that timely sound off?

Snappy Roomate

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:24:00 +0000

The obvious question: how long is the zapped up goof in the rafters before the decent? I mean imagine showing up at college and this snappy fuck is your roomate?

No Reaction

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:33:00 +0000

This guy must slip up constantly. His buddies write this mud licking off as if it never happened. Just another day of shore jumping for Roule.

The Next Barack

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:38:00 +0000

Incoherent Guy

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 21:46:00 +0000

Original Prank....D-

Prank Backfiring....B

Incoherent Guy....A

I don't know about you, but I didn't know that this guy was incoherent untill toward the end of the clip when he finally opens his mouth. I would have been so much more excited watching this the first time if I knew the target spoke in sporadic tone.

Fish Popping

Chris Galdi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:06:00 +0000

I don't understand why he made this more complex by adding the variables of the rake and the tire throw. He might as well have just slugged this guy square in the fish and ran away.

Jets Beat Titans

Chris Galdi — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:29:00 +0000

So the Jets beat the undefeated 10-0 Titans, they win 5 in a row and move to first in the AFC East disproving all reporters. Yet I am not yet content with the Jets success. I am beginning to realize that this success is coming too early in the season and leaves too much room for a Mets'esque, or even Jets'esque downturn. In lieu of their recent wins, I would like to expose possible events that may unfold, in hopes that their exposure with prevent their happening.

1) Feely Gets Hurt and Jets Sign John Hall; Hall then gets hit in the Back of the Head where his helmet doesn't cover and dies in the arms of Glenn Foley (15.00%)
2) Gohlston Blows Out Farve's Knee (65.00%)
3) Jenkins Eats Leon Washington (4.00%)
4) Testeverde Throws a Pick Next Week VS the Broncos in the Fourth Qtr (90.00%)
5) Jets have to face the Raiders at any Point in the Playoffs (10.05%)
6) Solomon Wilcots and Ian Eagle unmercifully Double Team Mangini's Mouth (1.59%)

Brutal Trim

Chris Galdi — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:25:00 +0000

"Peter Orszag, the current director of the Congressional Budget Office, smiles as he listens to U.S. President-elect Barack Obama speak about choosing Orszag as his choice for director of the Office of Management and Budget (OMB) during a news conference in Chicago November 25, 2008" ~REUTERS/John Gress (UNITED STATES)

Really? Where did Peter Orszag get his hair cut; in the on deck circle of Wrigley Field with baseball bats? Really? How can we expect this guy to manage America's budget when he can't manage his own fucking crown? He could have shaved binary code into his grundle and held a Mr. Potatoe Head doll in front of his dick and looked more in control than his does now.

People Are Too Quick to Dry Gulch Vick

Chris Galdi — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:40:00 +0000

"Vick pleaded guilty to one count of a state dogfighting charge in Sussex, Va. Another count of animal cruelty was dropped by the prosecutor. Vick was sentenced to a three-year suspended jail term and probation. The jail term will remain suspended as long as Vick completes four years of good behavior." ~washingtonpost.com

I don't understand how juries, prosecutors and ESPN commentators constantly weigh in on Michael Vick being medieval, and at the same time the public paints pictures of him being a violent criminal. You may ask: "Chris you sick fuck; what do you like dogs being tortured and killed, OR, do you want to suck Mike Vick's dick?" And I say neither. In Virginia, where Vick is being arraigned, I guarantee that within a mile of his home is a slaughterhouse, butcher or McDonalds. Slaughterhouses are essentially Auschwitz for cows. The jury that convicted Vick probably grabbed burgers and chicken wraps after or ever during court. Think about it.

Disclaimer: I like burgers and do not like dogfighting; chicken is alright if seasoned properly

Hawkeye Football

Chris Galdi — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 01:36:00 +0000

An Iowa woman who was caught having sex in the men's room at an Iowa Hawkeye football game in Minneapolis last weekend says she’d had so much wine before kickoff that she doesn’t remember walking into the restroom, the man she had sex with in a stall, or when the police opened the door.What Lois, 38, will remember is the humiliation afterward. “It’s ruined my life,” she said through tears today. “Not just the incident but the press.”

Lois said her husband, Feldman, has been supportive. She said he faults himself for not going with her when she left her seat to use the restroom before halftime.
~http://www.desmoinesregister.com/

1) Her husband's name is Feldman
2) He faults himself for not going with her when she left her seat to use the restroom
3) She is humiliated with the press, not the incident
4) She is talking to the press in this article about hating the press
5) Her husband's name is Feldman

I don't even know, or feel bad for Feldman. But I do know that this guy was sober during the game or else he would have a) been going to get a beer at halftime and b) been raming his hoe in the stall himself. As a side note, who the fuck is this badass that can manage to get laid while blowing a steaming piss at halftime? Oh right, it was John Kreese from Karate Kid...yet again.

Below is a metaphore of the press suddenly ruining this woman's life:

Happy Thanksgiving from Scott Fuchs' Brother

Chris Galdi — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 07:21:00 +0000

CHICAGO (AP) - Scott Fuchs will spend Thanksgiving with his family in Florida like he's done for 20 years or so. But like thousands of other Americans, his brother is staying home—travel isn't possible after he was laid off from his job in Maryland.
"Lack of funds," said Fuchs, a 49-year-old computer programmer from Plano, Texas.
~http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D94MRAHOC&show_article=1

Tell me I don't know the English language if this guy's name isn't pronounced fucks. Doubt me? Try to say outloud Fuchs without saying fuck. This portion of the article talking about fucks does not bring mention to recession or housing slump or tightened credit markets. Which leads me to beleive that fucks is a shitty, aging, broke computer programmer from Plano, Teehaas.

{Pictured Above: What we beleive to be fucks in a snooker tournament in 2002}

Asians With Nerf Guns

Chris Galdi — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 07:49:00 +0000

DONGGUAN, China (AP) - It started as a pay dispute at a southern Chinese plant, which makes Nerf toys for the U.S. company Hasbro Inc. This is the latest violent protest to rock China's export machine when the workers battled security guards, smashed the headlights of police motorcycles and forced their way through the factory's front gate, Guo said. They went on a rampage in the plant's offices, damaging 10 computers, the company said.

~http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D94MPOJG0&show_article=1

First of all, Asians with nerf guns are about as threatening as Bob Ross' dick. 2nd, once they forced through with their weapons, they proceeded to damage computers. The word damage infers minor inconvenience. I was hoping that the pissed off Nerf Asian Destruction Society (NADS), would at least have destroyed or crushed some computer screens, but no. Sounds like they downloaded a few potentially hazardous songs off of limewire and couldn't resist but to update their Windows service packs on the way out.

More Dangerous: the Taj Hotel Mumbai or Wal Mart Long Island?

Chris Galdi — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 02:55:00 +0000

Talk about Black Friday. You need to understand that this crowd wakes up at 4:00 am in order to hit the 5:00 opening of Wal Mart. With that said, the general mentality of this crowd rivals the stability of a big guy breathing heavily outside a Kinkos. Now, growing up, I've heard countless stories of people getting caught in Wal Mart stampedes, but I've always thought that it was impossible to actually pass away in one...until now. The video above confirms that the people who storm Wal Mart are the most illogical group of ghastly goops since the creation of the towns people of South Park, CO. The women who falls in the breast of the Wal Mart stampede does not try to get up, but causally spends time putting her wig back on. This is about as effective as whipping out a Sudoku puzzle, nude, in the middle of Afghanistan. I know that if I fell during a Wal Mart stampede I would be up faster than Carl Winslow's dick in a Toys R' Us. Do I feel bad for the 34 year old guy who died in the Wal Mart Long Island stampede? Yes; but I feel worse for his family for having to tell people that their loved one passed in a Wal Mart Long Island stampede.

How Crazy Deals Attract Crazy Consumers Video:

Morally High Morons

Chris Galdi — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 19:39:00 +0000

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS -- A 17-year-old supermarket employee who found a bag with $10,000 in it at his work's bathroom returned the money, much to the owner's delight. Baraniuc says the first thing he thought about was keeping the money, but he then remembered his father's lectures about working hard for yourself. He turned in the bag to the store's manager, who then called police. Police say the $10,000 were Fred W. Smith's life savings, and he was carrying the bag because he was moving. "I'll send you a little reward," Smith told the kid

All these self righteous money bag returners are so sad. They constantly boast their moral standards and upbringing as the reason for returning the cash. But really these people are just scared little shits. They get too anxious thinking that the money is a drug dealers or Detective Jimmy Shaker's from Ransom that they cowardly give the money to police. Anyway, any dope that a) carries $10,000 in a bag and b) leaves it in the shitter; is too dumb to be allowed any short of currency, period. And how the fuck does this guy get off on saying that he will send the kid a little reward? Why don't you just reach in the bag of $10,000 cash and pull a little love out. I got the line at 5% that this cash strapped doof sends the kid any reward money.

Plaxico Burress Shoots Himself Right in the Dick

Chris Galdi — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:59:00 +0000

Washingtonpost.com -- According to several reports, Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg. The Giants indicated in a written statement released today that Burress, 31, had suffered a wound to his right thigh in "an apparent accidental shooting" and was released from a New York City hospital this afternoon. The Giants indicated in the statement that they were gathering facts about the incident and had been in contact with NFL security officials, and added that the shooting "could become a matter for law enforcement officials."

Back in August during the fantasy football drafts, I made it clear that Burress was a bad pick because there is a high probability that he would shoot himself in the dick around week 13.

To Commemorate Plax's Croch Attack, a fresh dick shot video:

Chain Measurments

Chris Galdi — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:26:00 +0000

I bet if you looked close enough at the faces of the guys holding first down posts you would see a crew including Ed Hochuli, Phil Luckett, Scott Green, and why not...Tim Donaghy. How accurate are they really? The camera zooms in on the down field post and makes you believe that they are measuring with enough precision to build a bomb. But what people forget about is that the post 10 yards back is being carried about and placed without precision on where they estimate the original line of scrimmage to be. This is like measuring the size of your dick by holding the base of a tape measure up by your chin and looking down. The measurement to the tip will read a specific number, but it is dependent upon an unverified starting spot. Point is, I think that coaches should start challenging whether or not that back scrimmage post in properly placed, especially when the result is that the ball is centimeters short or long.

Championship Uniforms

Chris Galdi — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 20:41:00 +0000

When the first sports team I followed won the championship (NY Yankees 1996), I was happy, but the journey was over and felt a bit of emptiness. Teams fight all year to win, whether it be a World Series, Superbowl or even Stanley Cup while devoted fans follow. After all the ups and downs during the seaon, the joy of victory only ends up lasting for about as long as Eli Manning in bed. To correct this, I propose that winning teams wear flashy championship jerseys the whole next season to remind fans, opponents, and opponents' fans that yes, we fucking won and we are the defending champions. I sick of fans of shitty teams saying, "well that was last year, this is a new season." Think about how much sweeter winning would be knowing that it will be rubbed in everyones' face the entire next season. The obvious downside is if the Florida Marlins via 98' were forced to wear flashy gear while dropping a 54-108 (.333) record, it would be about as brutal as this glorious escalator leap transitioned into face plant:

Not Just Canseco is Doing the Juice

Chris Galdi — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:00:00 +0000

Weather.com

Chris Galdi — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 01:46:00 +0000

I'll start believing what I hear on weather.com just as soon as people start believing Plaxico Burress' name is Harris Smith. On the current 10 day forecast, they post a 50% chance of rain for this Sunday. Really? Why not just come out and say you have no fucking clue if it is going to rain. I'd rather log onto their web site and load up a video of Al Roker popping out in the middle of a random news report, right, cue the video...

Thought of the Day

Chris Galdi — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:33:00 +0000

A friend of mine told me this:

"When I'm drinking at a bar and take a leak, the last thing I want to do is wash my hands. It involves water, a blow dryer, and results in wet hand prints on my pants. The only time I really wash my hands now is a result of peer pressure of other dudes washing their hands. You can feel them thinking to themselves, "this fucker better be washing his hands if I am." But why am I washing my hands after I go #1? My dick is the cleanest part of my body. I wake up, take a shower, and immediately cover it in two layers of clean cloth. If anything, I should be washing my hands before I go to the bathroom in order to keep my dick pristine."

Who the Fuck is Danny Gans?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:53:00 +0000

No one person has ever managed to visit Las Vegas without looking up with squinted eyes and saying to your friend, "Who the Fuck, is Danny Gans?" I obviously did the same after seeing the Strip furnished with more Gans' signs than potable toilets. It is a freakish phenomenon: in Vegas people are willing to pay $250 for heavy doses of Danny Gans, but then when they leave they don't want to know him. I can't say I've ever let him pipe out his act in front of me, but with deep research I found out it is as meaningless as it seems. Gans bombards you with a gallery of Mike Myers impersonations and back flips that leaves the crowd with enough fervor to unload their purses into slots and embedded electronic bar poker machines at the Mirage. I'll tell you what, if I ever see Gans outside of Nevada, I'd have enough fervor to hit him with a quick headfake/ballshot combo. And give me a heads up if Gans doesn't perform like he photographs, so I could take this post down.

Schaefer Beer is the Real Deal

Chris Galdi — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 01:04:00 +0000

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. – A message in a bottle tossed into the ocean off Barnegat Bay has turned up in North Carolina — 39 years later. The note was sealed in a Schaefer beer bottle. It was dated Aug. 17, 1969 and read: "If found notify the North Haledon Fire Co. 2." Mark Ciarmello and his 3-year-old daughter found the bottle along a beach in Corolla, N.C., 400 miles from where it was released.

It took 40 years to drift only 400 miles? This beer bottle must have had some serious ballast. Shit, I go in the ocean for 40 minutes in NJ and the next thing I know I'm booking a flight back from Cuba. Coors Light spends millions of dollars each year, creating all sorts of vents and insulated blue linings for their cans that work about as well as erasable pens. But I guarantee that no amount of money could create a capsule that would seal a drunk fireman's random note for 40 years like a good ol' Schaefer bottle. All this proves is that "Schaefer is the beer to have when your having more than one"...run the fucking AD.

Sean Avery VS Emile Hirsch

Chris Galdi — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 13:31:00 +0000

CALGARY -- For the record, Avery - unsolicited - stepped in front of a bank of microphones in the visitors' dressing room yesterday morning and said: "I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds [Elisha Cuthbert]. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

Hey Sean, you think Emile Hirsch was happy when he found out that you were thrusting your seething body toward Elisha Cuthbert after they dated? No, we all thought Emile had her bagged after that sex education vid during the prom, but then you figure skated your way in and fucked it all up. And once you got her, did you think she liked you for your sensitive side & fashion sense? No again; she wanted to fuck a big, retarded ice skater. So I say this to you Sean: that's why they are called Puck Sluts, grow up and play hockey. As for Emile, I got your back dog, so I threw together some Sean Avery slander that would make Michael Moore shit white: (see video below)

Poll: Are You Sick of Christmas?

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 05:00:00 +0000

The question is: Are you sick of Christmas? So to find the answer I turned to the most reliable cross section of America...the towns people of South Park. I couldn't be happier with the poll results.

Lección de la Día

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 06:05:00 +0000

(Click on Image to make Larger. Next right click and save as Desktop Background on Friend's Computer who has Breylon Edwards)

Top 5 Christmas Gifts to Get Someone You Have to Get a Gift but Really Don’t Want to List:

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:38:00 +0000

5) $20 Gift Certificate to PF Chang's
What it Says: You not worth a full meal, so enjoy this holiday edamame.

4) Build-a-Bear
What it Says: That store looks magical, and I finally have an excuse to go inside and build-a-bear. You’re going to have to deal with the masterpiece; and when I give it to you, smile motherfucker.

3) Golf Shoes
What it Says: Nothing says go fuck yourself better than putting someone in gift purgatory for 6 months until golf season rolls around.

2) Tyler Perry’s House of Payne DVD, Vol.2: Episodes 21-40
What it Says: Everyone knows that episodes 1-20 were the heart of the series. “New Laughs, Same old Paynes!”

1) Travel Toiletry Kit
What it Says: No, I am not re-gifting the toiletry kit I got last year; nor did I buy it because it was 60% off at the register of Old Navy. I got it because I really want you to leave the state. Cut your nails loser.

Quote of the Day: Hillary Clinton

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 19:33:00 +0000

"Good friends bail eachother out of jail. But true friends turn to eachother in the cell and say "man that was fucked up""

~Hillary Clinton (December 3, 2008)

Looks Like They'll Be Caning the Rest of the Juice

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 20:20:00 +0000

LAS VEGAS, NV -- OJ Simpson sentenced to 7 1/2 to 27 years in prison for armed robbery. He said he made the trip to Las Vegas last year to attend a wedding — not to reclaim property. But his plans changed when he learned the dealers possessed family heirlooms that he had unsuccessfully tried to recover in the past. CJ Stewart was found guilty on the same twelve charges as Simpson and he faces the same punishment. However, he says not only is Simpson not a close friend, but that Simpson kept him in the dark about what was going on. "I was along for the ride," Stewart claimed from behind bars.

I have to say, I wouldn't be too thrilled either if I found out that there were people in Vegas running around with my family heirlooms. I mean if my "Jack Bower Kicking Down Door" action figure and "Boston Legal's Denny Crane" bobble head ever got in the wrong hands, I couldn't promise that I wouldn't be gripping the shotgun pump too. Ok, but with all joking put aside, prison won't be that bad for OJ; the ex-running back will still have big guys opening holes for him. Wow, sorry, that just slipped. The only guy that really got his dog and dice fried in this case is OJ's accomplice CJ Stewart. This guy had nor priors and sent four children through college. So then you may ask why he be gettin involved in armed robbery? It's the John McEnroe effect. People do wacky things when confronted by zainy celebs. Not to mention he was in Vegas with OJ probably whispering in his ear, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mutha fucka." Well they're staying in Vegas, but this time its not to watch the Danny Gans routein.

New Technology at ChrisGaldi.com

Chris Galdi — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:26:00 +0000

I discovered a way to convert classic youtube fights into their superhero form. This is the most satisfaction I've felt since assembling my Ikea desk/dresser set freshman year.

Clark Griswold Combat

Chris Galdi — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 20:39:00 +0000

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) -- A man using a candy cane lawn ornament fended off a knife-wielding neighbor who had been attacking holiday guests at a Sacramento home. Police said the man used the two-foot-tall plastic ornament to subdue the attacker until officers arrived. Police said the man with the knife was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. The guest who took up the candy cane was not arrested because police determined he acted in self-defense.

The average knife wielding attacker historically does not go down without a fight. So I am going to go out on a limb here and say that this guy must have been handed an absolute lashing with that candy cane. The fact that the article even brings up that he was not arrested because it was self-defense alludes to that fact that there was more blood spilt than when the Cobra Kai ran up on Daniel Son after the Halloween dance. I’m telling you, these seasonal suckers represent more than holiday cheer. If one were so inclined, he or she could easily shape the straight end of a candy cane into a fine-tuned, peppermint prison shank – just by sucking on it; a deranged mall Santa could use one to fishhook an unsuspecting shopper into the bowels of a Macy’s and have his way with him; a wide receiver for the New York Giants could accidentally lobotomize himself with one at Latin Quarters nite club. The list goes on. Question: How would you like getting your sleighbells rung while enjoying a festive glass of egg nog? Answer: Pass.

How to Be Treated Like a High Roller in Vegas without Dropping a Dime

Chris Galdi — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 22:18:00 +0000

First you have to look good. So throw on your tightest pair of black jeans, a rayon vest, and liberally apply half a bottle of LA Looks to your mop. Now, grab a buddy and head over to the craps tables. You and your bullishly cheap counterpart are going to each have to buy $1500 worth of chips (it should be at least $1500 and you will see why). On the first roll one person puts $500 on the Pass Line and the other person puts $500 on the Don't Pass Line. If you don't know the rules to craps (which you probably don't unless your a 300 pound cigar wielding Texan born before 1960), just know that when the Pass bet wins money, the Don't Pass bet loses the exact same amount of money and vice-versa. Its like betting on heads and tails where each has the same odds. Keep placing the same amount of money as your buddy but on the opposite bet. It's beautiful because whenever you lose money, your partner will win the exact amount you lost. After one of you goes broke, you and your partner have to convene in the handicap stall and have him/her give you back your initial stake or vice-versa. Now go back to the tables and do it again. After about an hour of doing this, the pit boss and croupier will literally be comping you [Comp = Vegas term for complementary gift] bottles at Tao, giving you free nights in the playboy suit, and calling you Mr. Papagiorgio.

Drum Rap Shootdown: Who ya Got?

Chris Galdi — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 08:58:00 +0000

I don't want to be bias but I have to take the "We Got Dem Guns" guy. It doesn't take losing your shirt to know that everyone roots for the underdog; but I came up with the single most important criterium, yes criterium, for judging a drum rap shootdown. If the lyrics are completely muted, which snare pounder actually re-creates the beat? In my opinion Travis Barker is hammering too much tschhh and not enough pbb during the chorus, weigh in and let me know.

Miller: We Got Dem Guns

Travis Barker: Soulja Boy

Quote of the Day: Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:17:00 +0000

"If your not living on the edge, then your taking up too much space"

~Reginald VelJohnson

Breaking News: Fireman Ed Goes AWOL in East Rutherford

Chris Galdi — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:34:00 +0000

While the Jets were in the midst of their mid-season five game winning streak, Fireman Ed was moving around with improved agility and sweating regularly as expected. However, since their recent two losses the Fireman has unexpectedly dropped his pants to half-mast and has un-caged a fury of J-E-T-S chants upon the suburbs of East Rutherford. It is presumed that he does not know who he is.

Joe's Steakhouse and Chops

Chris Galdi — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 01:40:00 +0000

Joe's Steakhouse in Vegas is apparently undertaking a cutting edge advertising angle appealing to horny fat fucks who never hesitate when roofie bombing unsuspecting younger women. This may appear unseemly at first glance; but what other demographic eats more to fulfill self-pity than looming, fat rapists? I vote the ad a B+.

After seeing Joe's vision of the future I took it upon myself to zest up the advertisements of Lorillard Inc's Newport cigarettes.

Manipulate Morale

Chris Galdi — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:58:00 +0000

How to Lower Morale:

First wait for an event with tickets that are extremely high in demand. I suggest waiting for December 28th when the Lions play the Packers at Lambeau (Even Lion's fans are starting to pony up heavy dough to see 0-16). Next go onto Craig's List and take out a tickets for sale ad. Choose a target and then copy and paste the following into the body of the ad:

My physically nimble yet mentally slow cousin has accidentally threw himself into a world of pain. Due to the grim circumstances, I am willing to sell our Lions tickets for $5 each. They are good seats and come with a free parking pass. Please call me asap at [insert target's phone number here] so I can get rid of these seats. And keep my cousin Len Wicks in your prayers, for it would be a miracle if he ever got back on the lawnmower. Thank you and God Bless.

Now cross your hands behind your head and lean back while the target's cell gets blown up like Nagasaki.

I included a video which illustrates the serious topic of morale vacillations: (tip: the fun doesn't begin until about half way through video)

Thanks to Casey Cochran for the Prank

9/11 Suspects Offer to Confess at Gitmo Trials

Chris Galdi — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:07:00 +0000

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba -- In a highly dramatic turn of events, the top five terrorists behind the Sept. 11 attacks told a military judge Monday that they want to confess their guilt and find martyrdom in their execution. The defendants said they made their decision Nov. 4, when Barack Obama was elected U.S. president. The purported ringleader who drew up the detailed plans for the attack, along with the other four co-defendants decided not to continue defending themselves against the capital charges, they told the judge.

I am calling complete bullshit. You don't have to convert Al Sharpton Muslim to expose what's going on here. When Obama was elected the Bush campaign undoubtedly turned up the temperature on the blowtorches at Gitmo. Doesn't it seem peculiar that all of the sudden these dudes are crying out for the noose? And fuck martyrdom, everyone knows that Saddam is the Michael Jordan of Sunni Muslims, and even he stood trial like a champ. What fun is roping up terrorists if you can't even watch them beg for their mercy on CNN for six months? None.

Vernon Gholston

Chris Galdi — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 06:10:00 +0000

Gholston was a defensive end with the Buckeyes and set the school's single-season record with 14 sacks last year. This year however, Goohlst has (12) tackles [10 of them on special teams], and the Jets managed to pay him $800,000/tackle (pro-rated). The reason for his lack of time is that the Jets are training him to become an outside linebacker rather than a DE. Not that I think Ghool is a bad player, but how do the Jets manage to consistently let down Jets fans with brutal seasons, leaving them with the hope of a savior draft pick. Then they go out and choose guys like steaktits [pictured above] who don't even see time. Drafting a guy with hopes of teaching him a new position is like buying a red Ferrari and then immediately sending it out to get painted green. On top of all that, AT&T paid Gooop to be their head spokesperson. But since he went bust they feel that showing his face will dilute shareholder value, so they have him lugging around rocks in the background like a retarded mope (see video). I seriously hope for the best with Goopst, but I'd much rather show him the working end of a backhand.

DUI? Not U and I.

Chris Galdi — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 06:33:00 +0000

Last night while I lay awake thinking about Vernon Gholston's playing time, I came up some revolutionary legislation. I figured out a way to prevent deaths and DUI convictions all with one swoop of brilliance. I propose that police allow people who do the following, and only the following, to drive under the influence:

1) Drive under 25 mph

2) Keep Hazard Lights On

3) Drive Between the Hours of [1:00am-5:00am]

4) Stay off the Highway

Boom, and just like that 100,000 lives are saved and my car is kept out of the impound. You may say, "But that's ridiculous, there are going to be people driving plastered and smashing into my shit anyway!" Well, at 25 mph fucking trees are going to be able to get out of the way of your car. Your second question may be ,"What about all the innocent families and MADD mothers who will be on the roads?" What the fuck are you doing driving around sober at 1:00am? Seriously, don't you have a Dennis Quaid Netflix to watch. I never, and I mean never, swam in the public pool during adult swim; so have some respect and stay off the roads while it's DUI time. And since this law will be liberal enough to even allow you on the road, just be aware of the drunk ones, that's all I ask. Your not doing it for the people puking on the steering wheel, your doing it for the sober ones like you who will be safer with DUI Dan driving at a reduced velocity. Again, you really don't have to be Cassius Clay Jr. to shuck and jive around a black SUV crawling in your direction and flashing "I am Shit-Faced" lights. If anything you should take the opportunity to hook a u-turn and follow the bad wagon, party's that way.

Someone would have been sleeping instead of pushing their teeth in:

Disclaimer: I do not condone driving drunk

Concealed Weapon Law

Chris Galdi — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:37:00 +0000

US Concealed Weapon Law -- In the United States, carrying a concealed weapon (CCW, also known as concealed carry) is the legal authorization for private citizens to carry a handgun or other weapons in public in a concealed manner, either on the person or in close proximity to the person. However states like New Jersey are know as "open-carry" states. They permit open gun carry to all non-prohibited citizens once they have been issued a permit or license. Also open carry is lawful on foot and in a motor vehicle.

Is it just me or is this law completely fucking backwards? So your telling me that I could buy a piece of heat, strap it to my back, and casually stroll into Tons-of-Toys and buy a Steve Austin action figure or two? Call me old school, but don't you think the sixteen-year-old girl working the register would prefer if it was tucked away by my croch (I'm trying really hard to leave Plax out of this)? I mean this law completely trumps the severity of other brutal New Jersey laws:

1) Bars close at 2:00 am, but by 2:15 you could be roaming the streets strapped like Don Marshall from Lethal Enforcers

2) You could tie a pistol to your neck-tie while driving your F-150, but you can't talk on your cell phone in your Ford Escape

3) You can buy a shotgun at the Sports Authority and strap it to your bare pair of tits; but you can't buy beer at the Lucoil

That Could Have Really Hurt

Chris Galdi — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 23:01:00 +0000

Baghdad -- An Iraqi journalist hurled his shoes and an insult at George W Bush, without hitting him, as the US president was shaking hands with the Iraqi premier at his Baghdad office on Sunday. As the two leaders met in Nuri al-Maliki's private office, a journalist sitting in the third row jumped up, shouting: "It is the farewell kiss, you dog," and threw his shoes one after the other towards Bush. Maliki made a protective gesture towards the US president, who ducked and was not hit.

I used to be under the impression that attacks on the president were strategic and received with brilliant, tactical counters. If not for W clocking in so many hours on Butterbean's Powerpunch Toughman Contest he would have never been able to jive around those Iraqi soles. And what's all this horse shit I hear about the secret service jumping in front of bullets for the president? Those mopes were sitting around while Oddjob managed to zip two consumer products (with admirable velocity and accuracy) at the president's melon. Those could have really hurt him. I have to say, if I were the reporter I would have thrown something a bit bulkier, I'm thinking a pair of 96' Sketchers.

DUI Incident Report I

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 03:32:00 +0000

I was truly upset to receive this video just two days after posting DUI, not U and I (See Post Below). For one, those hazard lights are clearly not flashing. Rule one of driving legally donked is to flash em' like your on the Titanic and the violins are sounding. In addition, this guy is driving like Steve McQueen in Bullitt. Remember: drive 25, make it to Wendy's to get those fries.

Cheap Shot Shootdown: Who ya Got?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 03:53:00 +0000

Pop #1

Pop #2

I have to go with the first cheap chin pop because it happened in France and couldn't have come with cheaper elements. The guy was a) outnumbered, b) not looking, and c) kicked on the ground. It almost sounds like a Tony Danza musical. The second blast is not even cheap at all. There is no audio, but I think I can make out the bartender telling the patron "You grin like Richard Karn". It was either that comment or the lack of Jim Beam in his three-wise-men shot that got him pissed. Either way you got a weaselly Frenchman, and a drunk fat guy with a pet peeve for Richard Karn in the thick of a cheap shot shootdown:

No cheap shot shootdown is complete without a video montage of Shawn Michael's dubbed over some old Creed music...hit the tape:

Failed Sports Leagues

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:31:00 +0000

CHICAGO, Dec 15 (Reuters) - The Arena Football League has canceled its 2009 season, but will resume play the following year, the Cleveland Plain Dealer and The New York Times reported on Monday. "It's a historic day for the league," James Ferraro told the paper. "This league will be much, much stronger, and it will be here for a long time because of what happened. "This is the farthest thing from the league folding," he added. "This is, in my opinion, just showing us the league will not fold." Ferraro could not be reached to comment.

Every time I bring up arena football in a crowd some jackass always says, "Dude, arena football is kind of cool, you should go and check out a game". And every time I scratch my chin and ask myself ,"How do I know him?" Arena football was never cool, maybe because it was marketed worse than a four-door Hyundai sedan. The only time a league comes back stronger, is literally if all the players use steroids in the off-season and come back stronger like the MLB in 95'. So unless the next game of arena football I see can easily be mistaken for a game of NFL Blitz, I'm going to have to say that Jimmy Ferraro is fat on his tits. With all that said, I would like to look back on other failed sports:

EliteXC

Just as the UFC began to challenge boxing for America's top fighting sport, a bunch of pinheads at CBS decided to saturate MMA (mixed martial arts) and create a world of dogshit fighting which I like to call KimboXC. The Newark fighting style of EliteXC had its entire stock riding on Kimbo Slice going undefeated and taking down the UFC champion. This bubble of glory popped like cauliflower ear the second Kimbo's weird head kissed the mat. In the end Kimbo's lack of Xyience and over-supply of facial hair proved to weigh too heavy on the 60 viewers they once had.

XLF

Rule numero uno of making a new sport out of a current sport is that the new sport has to be significantly different from the old one. How did Vince McMahon think that adding opening scrambles instead of kickoffs, eliminating the fair catch, and replacing cheerleaders with strippers would draw a crowd? Haha, I guess I see the irony...on paper it looks pretty good. Well, some good things came out of the failure of the XFL: skycam, Tommy Madox and the Hustler Club. But most importantly Vince McMahon's fucked up business plan drove him to compensate failure by using steroids and showing his McMahther his muscles.

WORLD FOOTBALL LEAGUE

The year is 1974, and just two months into the opening season of the WFL two teams relocate. Two months into the season two teams relocated? Sounds a little bit like the New Orleans Saints and Hornets in 2005, with one major difference. There was no fucking hurricane in 1974, the league just sucked hurricane sized dick. Throwing a bunch of football hippies into one arena is as effective as trying to kill someone by throwing a bunch of pop rocks into their soda. No dice, no fans, no class.

Mad Off Investment Securities

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 07:30:00 +0000

BOSTON/NEW YORK -- Bernard Madoff, the longtime Wall Street executive accused of cheating investors worldwide out of $50 billion, scrambled to find relatives or friends to guarantee his $10 million bond on Tuesday and keep him of jail. In New York, Madoff, who was arrested last week, has not yet fully met the conditions of his $10 million bond, according to court papers. He must find three co-signers to guarantee the bond. Madoff, a former chairman of the Nasdaq Stock Market, faces up to 20 years in prison and a maximum fine of $5 million if convicted.

Since we are talking finance I'm going to have to break down the numbers:

($50 billion profit/$5 million maximum fine) = 10,000% ROI

(40 Years of Being Rich/[40 years of Being Rich + 20 Years in Prison]) = 67% of the Time Being Really Rich

I can't say I have ever heard of such a simple yet effective scheme, so I'm going to have to give this old man some credit. I mean all he is really doing is paying back original investors with new investor money and posting fake profits. Call me dumb but doesn't that sound a little bit like the loans and losses of the financial sector? Bernard managed to come to the same result as Citi Bank and AIG except he did it all by himself. I vote that we not only use some of that TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) money to bail out Badoff Investment Securities LLC, but we should also name him as the CEO of GM and have him fuck over Toyota. America...fuck yea.

John Walsh is Batman?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 01:01:00 +0000

?????

HOLLYWOOD, Florida -- For nearly three decades, John Walsh's black leather jackets and swagger have made him a crime-fighting cultural icon. But when he returned this week to the Hollywood police station, he was once again the father of a murdered child. Perhaps to save themselves, they made it their mission to preserve Adam's legacy by helping other crime victims. The abduction and murder of Adam Walsh also fundamentally changed the way law enforcement agencies look for missing children. Walsh, who before Adam's murder was a hotel developer, went to Capitol Hill and began a second career as an activist for crime victims. Hollywood police were accused of some major blunders in their investigation, and Wagner apologized to the Walshes for those mistakes. The case, he said, "made us a better agency.... If this same type of situation were to occur today, I would tell you it would be a much quicker, much better, much cleaner outcome."

Hold on, hold on. I can't believe I missed this for so long. So what your telling me is that John Walsh is or was:

a) Seeking vengeance for a slain family member

b) Formerly a wealthy hotel developer

c) Wears black leather and bears a deep, raspy voice

d) Works with authorities to fix police corruption and policy

e) Hosts America's Most Wanted which has Caught 1049 fugitives (376 of which have "turned themselves in")?

No body ever gets to the letter (e) when running down a similarities to Batman list unless they're talking about Michael Keaton. Three-hundred seventy six people turned themselves in? Yeah fucking right. At dusk Walsh has been repelling from the ceilings of molesters and fucking them so hard that they confess (and for argument sake let's just say that he is not giving them a reach-around). Officer Wagner said himself that the police have been a much better agency since John Walsh's son's death. Yeah because Walsh has been stringing up bad guys like it's Halloween in Gotham. Whenever someone watches Batman they always think to themselves, "How doesn't everyone know that Bruce Wayne is Batman?" Well how hypocritical am I? John Walsh is a hotel tycoon turned crime fighter who only shows up once in a blue moon to give me the rundown of criminals he has caught. Ottis Toole, a convicted pedophile and murderer, was officially named the killer of Adam Walsh. The problem is that Toole died in prison of an unrelated incident in 1996. HAHA, unrelated incident? I have a strong feeling that in 1996 John Walsh managed to find himself in a scuffle with Toole where he had the opportunity to save his life, but just didn't have a good enough grip.

A commemoration of the closing of Walsh's son's case:

Everybody Poops

Chris Galdi — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 01:25:00 +0000

"Well I was your boss once"
"You were, and are no longer. How did that happen?"

Square-Framed Green Pin Heads

Chris Galdi — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 21:32:00 +0000

NEW YORK (CBS) -- This year's Times Square Ball is double the size of previous balls and is covered in 2,668 Waterford Crystals. Weighing nearly 12,000 pounds and measuring 12 feet in diameter, the ball is 20 percent more energy efficient than last year's – consuming only the same amount of energy per hour as it would take to operate two traditional home ovens.

Green. The newest it term to storm America since carb-free and Chuck-Norris. Yet hearing green makes my face turn the color, as people once again hop on the bandwagon of square-framed, Apple pinheads. Fact: No body gives a rock-skipping piss about things that do not immediately effect their lives. I can't stand when people take these noble causes overboard, I traditionally would like my new years eve ball to illuminate Broadway like a god damn solar eclipse. Lights in buildings should flicker when that fucker drops. I don't want to hear that I couldn't even harness it's energy into a triple-decker Maytag. There is an Apple commercial with a voice over of some fruit cake claiming that Apple makes the greenest family of notebooks. I dare you to open it and chew on the battery. And what the fuck are you doing with these things when your done with them anyway, planting them in your garden? No, we are sending them to China for compost. China sends us their garbage (Yao Ming) and we send them ours, it's a fair trade. Also green suddenly has more meanings than the English word set. Green could be used to emphasize ecology, grassroots democracy, nonviolence, and social justice. What the fuck; I can't emphasize shit, throw-up, snot, ear-wax, eye buggers and Bill Crosby by saying brown. Green is just a giant marketing scheme deployed to get these square-framed liberals to empty their wallets on solar powered vibrators and environmentally friendly deodorant. Hey, I have a New Years resolution for all of you: stop riding your bicycles in the middle of the road 10 mph under the speed limit.

The Amish are Short on Cash, and Long on Ash

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:09:00 +0000

I guess Ishmael and Roy Munson didn't have to beat Ernie McKracken after all. This infomercial comes as an absolute shocker to me because it is a paradox. If the Amish people are whipping up electric fireplaces then they are not Amish. All I see is a handful of odd looking people from west Pennsylvania dressed like Amish people screwing together Ikea plywood. But more importantly, why are they even mentioning the Amish? Let me be absolutely clear: saying that something is made by the Amish is like saying that something is made by a 34 year old Ukrainian, nobody fucking cares. Actually, saying that an Amish screwed that thing together makes me not want it. I mean why would I trust a guy who has never been around electricity. This thing has no gas, so that means that inside all that cheap Amish wood is an electrically induced blaze. Heat your house? Yeah, to the fucking ground.

Note: I thought all the Amish people died 50 years ago and the only ones left were just in dress like civil war re-enactors

This is the Back of His Head

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:26:00 +0000

I thought it was entertaining when people glued eyes to their chin and talked upside down. This guy makes Captain Jack Sparrow's eye makeup look like a 1st grade Halloween costume. Is it just me or do you want to punch this guy in the back of the head (face)?

JD Power and Associates

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:47:00 +0000

Who the fuck cares? I really could stop right there, but I won't because I really hate JD Power. Here is why: JD Power has been a part of some of the worst car commercials of all time. It is karma, if you are watching a good show, you will be pummeled with four different companies bragging about their JD Power pieces during the break. Bragging about a JD trophy is like trying to get recruited for a college sport and writing on your application that you won the presidential physical fitness award. If you really listen you will hear them say "we won the JD Power award for best mid sized coup with 20-30 mpg"; what are their 2 cars in each class? I vote JD wins their own award for best small sized cock with 100-110 awards per month. To commemorate JD Power, I want to list the JD Power and Associates Award to the top three other useless awards:

1) VH1 Critics Choice Awards: What the same critics who aired The Flavor of Love Part Tre and A Real Chance of Love?

2) GamePro Video Game Star Rating: I believe the range on their rating scale waivers drastically from 3.5 stars to 4 stars. No one is getting paid off there.

3) New York Times Bestseller List: This post has a 30% chance of making the list.

Girls' Names

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:56:00 +0000

You would think that after going through 4 years of college I would finally realize that when a girl tells me her name at a bar it would be in my best interest to remember it. But no, the name doesn't even go through one ear and out the other, it fucking pole vaults my entire head. Now for a while I was thinking that I was insane for repeating this behavior, but then a realized that the problem lies in the names of these girls. For instance, guys names vary drastically from one to another like Carl and Chris. Both start with the same letter but are distinctly different. Now girls get silly and start with the Christina, Chrissy, Kristen, Christine, Lauren, Laura, Ally, Allison, Alex, Sarah, Samantha, Jen, Jill, Amanda, Amy business. If you fuck one letter up you get stereo-typed as a retarded mope. Ever get introduced to a group of six+ girls? It's like memorizing pie (∏). To add to the IQ test, chicks make sure that at least one of their friends shares their name to lure you into a feeling of comfort thinking it is one less name to memorize. This comfort is dangerous because it usually leads to not remembering the name at all and hence forgetting two girls names and once. Next time you go out just be sure to pronounce Kristen and not Christina or your cock will pay.

Wiley Waterboy Hot Like a Pistol

Chris Galdi — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:25:00 +0000

I don't understand why it took Coach Klein so long to suit up Bobby Boucher. This story is reported as a miracle, but in reality it is just a story of a coach who hates autistics; either that or this kid is not autistic. I have met a few in my lifetime, and none of them can light up the arc like Reggie Miller. Being that the crowd morale clearly discloses the kid's autism, I feel that this coach should be put down as the worst grade school hoops coach of all time. He goes right up there with the coach who axed Jordan from his high school team. Question: Why does this cynical fuck have the water boy doing push ups if he is not going to start? I mean if I was coach I would set my entire starting roster with autistics. Imagine how fucked it would be if five autistics charged the court snowballing threes? People would be slitting their own throats in the stands with excitement. I personally would barrel my head through my computer screen if that video ever popped up on youtube. Movie Idea...White Men Can't Jump II: A team of (1) Autistic and (1) Liam Neeson.

Drunken Horseback Riding

Chris Galdi — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 01:20:00 +0000

CODY - A Cody, Wyoming man has been cited for public intoxication while riding his horse on a busy street during a weekend snowstorm. An officer stopped Daniels to explain that drivers were having difficulty spotting his slow-moving white horse as he was riding along Yellowstone Avenue near a Wyoming Wal-Mart, said Assistant Police Chief George Menig.
As police continued to observe Daniels, it was clear that he was "highly intoxicated," Menig said. Police saw Daniels drinking beer as he moved behind Cassie's Bar and Supper Club, apparently in an attempt to avoid them, Menig said. Daniels had been spotted earlier riding along Highway 120 between Road 2AB and the Shoshone River. Menig said police did not know the reason for his excursion.

Regardless of weather conditions, I thought all people rode horses in Wyoming. Let's be clear, if you are slamming into horses with your car maybe you are the one who should keep the keys on the dresser. Not to mention this guy had the state of mind to navigate the stallion behind the bar to avoid police. I couldn't navigate a horse to a bushel of hay if I was sober. The reason for his excursion could not be more transparent, he wanted to ride his fucking horse in the snow while drinking a beer. Is there anything wrong with that? What else do people do in Wyoming? The state web site calls Wyoming the Cowboy State. Arresting this guy is like locking up a Wisconsin resident for making cheese. Speaking of Wisconsin, which state is more brutal; Wyoming or Wisconsin? Both start with the letter W which is as odd as the people who live there. Wyoming looks like it was formed by carving out the other states first and then calling the remaining square Wyoming. The original settlers were just pussies who couldn't ball out through the Oregon Trail. Actually, fuck that, the Oregon Trail is gay too. You have to walk through Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming and Idaho, and here's the kicker; your final destination is fucking shitty Oregon. The only thing the Oregon Trail ever brought to the table was the 1996 video game. Now I'm just rambling, fill out the shitty state survey below and we can solve this once and for all.

Phelps Caught Huffing Rub

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 03:33:00 +0000

Columbia, South Carolina - The glass pipes are generally used to smoke cannabis.
And after sporting chiefs announced laws which mean four-year bans for drug-taking, Phelps’ dreams of adding to his overall 14 gold medal tally at the 2012 games in London could already be OVER. “He arrived with a group of girls hanging all over him. Jaws hit the floor when he walked in. You don’t get many celebrities in Columbia, so when Phelps comes to your party it’s a very big deal. “He didn’t know many people so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go. “Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”

I want to know the name of the the paparazzi that snapped this photo. I mean what a fucking d bag. Sounds like Phelps rolled up to a party with hand fulls of chicks, slamming beer, and even taking home gold in the ice luge. The only person that would take a photo like this is a jealous swimmer. Do swimmers fulfill vengeful feelings by snapping incriminating photos? If I am Phelps I would wait off the coast of Myrtle Beach in snorkel gear and then shark attack this guy's beans and bomb. Not to mention bongs are legally sold in America. I am not a lawyer but shouldn't people give Phelps the benefit of the doubt and assume that the product is tobacco? I do not see any nugget in that room. But on the other hand Phelps would probably lose more endorsements if people found out that he was huffing bong hits of tobacco. I mean who does that? Next thing I know Phelps is going to be on the cover of the NY Post chiefing a Dutch Master.

The Boss Leaves His Stones in Tampa

Chris Galdi — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 04:30:00 +0000

Sequence of Events:

1) The Boss Hears Trumpets

2) The Boss Gets Revved up Like a Gorilla Getting Raped

3) The Boss sails his Dog and Dice into a HD camera

I've never been to one of his concerts but I assume this is the cornerstone of his success.

Ibepokin

Chris Galdi — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:47:00 +0000

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

8 Out, 1 In

Chris Galdi — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 03:57:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES -- The Southern California mother of octuplets is being offered $1 million to star in hardcore porn. Vivid Entertainment spokeswoman Jackie Martin says the offer also promises a year of health insurance for Nadya Suleman and her 14 children. Suleman gave birth to octuplets at a Bellflower hospital on Jan. 26, and already had six other children. The home the unemployed single-mother lives in is facing foreclosure.

Let me re-paint the picture. You got Steve Hirsh, the founder of Vivid.com, sitting around watching the ten O'clock news. A heart warming story develops which stars a Southern California woman who births a historic eight children. Hirsh does some surface research and discovers that her house is in foreclosure and her fourteen person family is in need of health care. Hirsh decides not to help her with charity, yet concludes that the best thing he could do is stroke the hairs on his chin and drop an A-Bomb of a moral dilemma on the woman. So before Hirsh calls the woman to the negotiating table, he does some simple math and calculates the potential revenue he could generate: at a $33.97 monthly subscription rate to Vivid.com Hirsh sharply estimates that 29,438 people will want to hammer in their Visa's and hammer out a beat to this eight-headed sump pit creating his $1 million price tag. Yet I have a feeling that the crop of grain that wants to struggle with their dick while watching this post-preggers pony doesn't have the $33.97 to spare. We are talking about an estranged hoard of gas whose dicks pop up like a seal at Sea World when they hear the opening musical segment to the Rachel Ray show. This is the same flock of freak that pays top dollar for extra prints of Cooperstown Little Majors baseball cards. With that said I doubt that Hirsh will attract the 29,438 rich deviants needed to cover his Dr. Evilesque costs. Alright, alright; now that the profitable angle of Hirsh's strategy is painted black, I would like to consider the bonus offer of health care. So Nadya and Hirsh finally negotiate that one million dollars is acceptable, but as they are leaving the negotiating table Nadya murmurs, "but I still don't have health care". At this point Hirsh caves to the pressures of negotiating and rants, "You want health care? I got health care. I'll give ya health care. Look I got health care. Give her some health care". Now the stage is set for her moral demise all the while Robert Redford patiently waits by his Hewlett-Packard with a full palm of Vaseline SLOWLY, handling is stick.

H

Chris Galdi — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 04:40:00 +0000

Gastonia -- Gastonia police discovered heroin, marijuana and paraphernalia when they searched a Gastonia woman, according to arrest warrants. Walker had three balloons of heroin, six needles, two crack pipes, marijuana and rolling papers when she was searched Sunday at KFC, 2201 W. Franklin Blvd., the warrant states.

I grew up in a suburban town in New Jersey and went to college in the suburbs of Massachusetts; so heroin has never been readily accessibly. Not only that, but I can't even say that I have truly ever seen the drug in person. If I asked the most involved drug dealer in town for heroin they would give my the number for Doctor Phil. With that said, I would like to know if anyone just dabbles with the drug. I'm talking recreational use of H. Some thing on the lines of, "Hey Steve, want to grab a pint and catch the game?" Yeah sounds good, but lets spike some H like we did last summer before we go." The kind of use where the H only comes out on big occasions like New Years, birthdays and St. Patrick's Day. Or is the drug so strong that with one dose you'll find yourself stocking up needles like dugout baseball bats in Yankee Stadium? When I hear of the arrest report of this Gastonia women I feel sad for her tortured soul, but I feel even worse that with all that dope she was found without a lighter.

MLB: Juice the Rules

Chris Galdi — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:55:00 +0000

One hundred sixty-two fucking games. I mean baseball is great but that's a lot of fucking games. If you look at the NFL season there are only sixteen. Which means that each one counts 10x more than each baseball game. A single loss in the MLB is like wiping and getting poo on your knuckles, it seems bad at first but then you realize it's not the end of the world. But shouldn't a loss feel, and actually be more impactful? So how do you fix this? Easy. Since each team usually plays other ball clubs in three game sets during the season, just have the winner of each mini-series get credited with one win. Now you just took a record that was 100 Wins - 62 Losses and made it a significant and entertaining 33-21. So if a team wins 2 out of 3 games or 3 out of 3 they get the win. What this does is it takes the inconsequential result of a single baseball game and makes the result about as critical as a Roberto Alomar AIDS test. Now you may be thinking, why would teams even try to win the third game if they already lost the first two? Because playoff home field advantage and tie breakers would be determined by net record dummie. Not to mention each new series would bring the feeling of a clean slate and new energy. Local bars would be packed numerous times per season with patrons coming to watch game three tie breakers. This one's on me Bud Selig. Your Welcome. As for Tim Raines, I will find you and rape-blow you for what you did to me.

(Please notice the pitch being thrown in the MLB logo. It is observably out of the strike zone and the batter is clearly not swinging at the nipple scorcher)

In this Economy...

Chris Galdi — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:55:00 +0000

I bitterly hate people who use the idiom "in this economy" as a prelude to idiotic generalizations. We all understand that the economy is bad, but Jesus, please don’t use it as an excuse to fuck the neighbor’s dog. If you haven’t been laid off in the past year please do not blame your laziness or stupidity on the state of the economy. Take a look at how my life has been affected by the economy:
a) My brokerage account has shrunk but I still have a steady paycheck
b) Shit is cheaper. I went into a local clothing shop and asked for the price of a shirt. Before he even got the face value out of his mouth he crumbles and says "in this economy ill give it to you for half"
c) I got a lot of money back on tax returns
d) I had to fuck the neighbor’s dog for kibble and shelter
So as you can see I’m doing just fine. And in the future if the economy ever rebounds, remember, you can always blame it on God.

(Note: That picture has nothing to do with anything)

Danny Gans Passes

Chris Galdi — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:13:00 +0000

Las Vegas, Nevada -- Sin City performer extraordinaire Danny Gans—relatively unknown outside of Las Vegas, but a megastar on the Strip—died in his sleep early this morning at the age of 52. His cause of death was not immediately known. While Gans began his career as a pro baseball player, eventually nabbing a bit part in Bull Durham, he has been a Vegas mainstay since 1996 and, befitting his stature, had the honor of possessing the largest freestanding marquee in the world.

Danny Gans is fucking dead. Wow. I feel like I gave him the curse of death in my Danny Gans post. Yet anytime someone dies in Vegas you have to suspect that there was foul play. If you have even been to Vegas then you know that Danny Gans is to Vegas as Adam West is to Quahog. He is the boss man, the dick in the gravy, the king with the crown, the glasses on Bob Sagat's face. So how does such a local celebrity pass so silently? I have the top three possibilities:

1) Gans was tied down and had his armits tickled by Penn; all the while Teller took out a sketch pad and drew the struggle for air until he passed. 2) "The Cirque" of the Cirque du Soleil had Gans doing perpetual back flips in a giant crab suit until Gans finally passed from exhaustion.

3) The Mirage's main showroom is cursed: Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy was bitten on the neck by a seven-year-old male tiger named Montecore back in '03 in the same room.

We all know this "Type"

Chris Galdi — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:08:00 +0000

Recently someone notified me via anonymous comment in the chrisgaldi.com post "In This Economy" the following:

Anonymous said...
"i would just like to take this opportunity to point out to you that the word SENSE is spelt wrong in your heading. but in this economy who has the time for spell-check?"

My question is a generic one: After calling out a suspected spelling error, how much time does one spend checking the spelling of each and every word in their own comment? And if you notice, the sentences in anonymous' comment are started with lower case letters to make it look like he typed the comment carelessly. Meanwhile you know that that he read over the fucking thing six times and copied it out of a Microsoft Word document with perfect grammar, and then went back and replaced the capital letters with lower cases. I bet he even googled to see whether or not he should hyphenate the word "spell-check". This is the same type of guy that types full messages on someone's facebook wall and then realizes that they are not funny so sends just a "lol".

But if I must, this tag line is a play on words meaning that even the sense I do make doesn't make that much sense at all, hence the misspelling.

Mexicans Screw, Swine Flew

Chris Galdi — Tue, 05 May 2009 17:32:00 +0000

Why am I not worried about the swine flu? Because no one dies from it (~30 deaths worldwide). But 30 deaths are just nuts and crackers when you look at global scope. You have better odds of winning the Powerball or running into Kirby Puckett than you do of dying from the swine flu. It has a cure, the symptoms are the same as the regular flu, and about ten people have it. The only reason everyone is worried is because it originated in Mexico City. Now officials are saying that pigs (swine) have nothing to do with this strain of flu and as a result began calling it H1N1. Bullshit, someone fucked a pig and it's about time to fess up. Either there was Mexican pigllatio, or medical authorities are referring to the people of Mexico as swine. But from our experience we know that all great illnesses stem from the fucking of animals. Take AIDS for example: it started with monkeys, spread to some beastiality freak that screws monkeys, and then it was transferred via that freak to the gays. And all it takes is that one bi-curious gay guy who dips in a female, and BAM...you have a pandemic. Because if there were no bi-curious gays then the disease would be contained by the simple fact that gays cannot reproduce. "It's science, and it’s for your health." PhD Brule

"People said that pigs would fly before we had an African American president. Well 100 days into Obama's presidency, swine flu."
~Unknown

Would you rather have AIDS or be wheelchair bound?(online surveys)

Why do I dislike the "Apple" Crowd?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 19 May 2009 01:25:00 +0000

Osprey's Fly; I'll Climb

Chris Galdi — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:14:00 +0000

I just saw this picture of the Osprey and I was so blown away that I faceplanted my desk. What is up with the penthouse above the entrance? It may be because whenever I'm looking up at the Osprey I'm on my back and blackout on the curb, but I have never noticed it. And the ladder, please with the ladder. This is the most serious shit I have ever seen. So you pregame and then ladder into the front entrance of the bar? I always knew that this is how Peter Venkman got into bars, but the local Joe? The only downside is getting wasted bitches to scale a stucco wall in heels and then climb a service ladder, but who thinks that far ahead anyways?

Entire Brazilian Town Helps in Bank Robbery

Chris Galdi — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:42:00 +0000

(No sound so fire this one up at work)

This must be why everyone else hates America. I guess we are all blinded by propaganda, but isn't this what should happen when a few guys break in a try to rob a bank? But no, here in America people would be hiding behind buildings texting "OMG..Robbery" to 911 and copying the message to twitter. At the end of the robbery, nearly the whole town jumps in to get the fuck down on some Olympic style ATM curling. I mean your wearing shit for eyebrows if you didn't get a chill down your spine when those two buddies high-fived after he axed the second ATM.

Brazilian Bank Robbery - Watch more Funny Videos

Napkin Bombs

Chris Galdi — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:04:00 +0000

So your at Joe Blow's Pizzeria when a puddle of grease rolls down the corner of you mouth. Frantically you scan the scene looking for something to mop up the grime. Too bad when you get to the napkin dispenser it's filled up like a bulimic before a self-induced vomit. After trying to pinch out napkins the thing ends up looking like toilet tissue torn apart by a Manchurian looking for an ass rag. So let's just assume that these are fun to fill. People, we have to keep ourselves restrained from going overboard with napkin loading. It's understandable how people tear them out of the holders. Even if they are loaded properly, it's still tough to get a handle on just one. You gotta pinch the napkin in the right place and jerk it out of the fucking thing. The types of napkins in these holders are indigenous to pizzerias and other greasy spots where you would need paper towels most. When you finally get a square out of the holder it's as effective as wiping your face with Saran Wrap. Know why people like going to Hooters? No, not the tits; it's the accessibility of paper towels. When the average person is hungry they show up looking for blood and hot grease like Kirt Cameron at a Gin Blossoms concert. You don't want to waste any time fumbling with a napkin contraption. So the only solution is to tear the fucking napkin apart like a frantic insurance salesman who hears the fire alarm go off on the shitter at Arbys. So all you napkin fillers out there: I appreciate your effort, but calm the fuck down.

The Mundane: My Selection of the Best Internet Jokes

Chris Galdi — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:43:00 +0000

• I think the worst STD you could ever get is babies.
• Why is "No." the abbreviation for number? There's not even an o inthe word number.
• "Don't Stop Believing" is the like "Eye of the Tiger" for drunk people.
• Fuck you on coming car with halogen headlights.
• The Sunday struggle: not showering because I want to workout. Not working out because I really don't want to.
• "Seemed like a good idea at the time" is always the right answer.
• Some how, no matter how tired I am, going on the computer keeps me up and alert for hours. Wish class or work had the same effect.
• Sometimes I wonder if philosophers were actually that much smarter than everyone else, or if they were just the only ones who remembered to write down all the cool shit they thought of while drinking
• I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I'm still watching your commercial on my shitty one.
• I am barely out of college and I already am beginning to feel out of touch with the younger generation. What the fuck is Twitter?
• When I have to work late, the last thing I do is send a some what meaningless email to my boss, just so she knows I was in the office until at least 7:53.
• Used coffee and soda cups are like mini-trash cans for your car's cupholders.
• I often come home wasted and attempt to watch a movie...then wake upon the couch with the title menu playing over and over.
• The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
• Wine glass? Tumbler? Snifter? Dude, we're getting drunk, not aristocrating on the Titanic. Just pour the booze into those plastic cups over there and the rest will work itself out.
• Why is it that what seems like a perfectly acceptable volume for your music when you get out of the car is entirely too loud when you get back in?
• Anyone who says working out in the morning "gives them energy throughout the day" is full of shit.
• Upon finding moldy food in the fridge I am going to throw it out-tupperware and all. It's just easier to buy new tupperware than touch, let alone clean, that.
• I always wonder how some parts get cast in movies. I can just imagine bulletins that say "Read for the parts of the Hideously Ugly & Overweight Girl and for the Toothless, Senile Old Man who Poops Himself today at 4pm." Someone out there is seeing this & says "Now that sounds like a part for me"
• I will definitely not enroll my future daughter in gymnastics seeing as I know she will only use her skills later in life for sexual positions.
• Ladies, you know you're in a true dry spell when you start considering the pill an unnecessary expenditure.
• If I show up to work an hour before my boss, I am doing whatever I want for that hour.
• A lot. See how I added that space between the A and the Lot? Yeah,that's supposed to be there.
• Hey eyelid twitch - thanks for fulfilling my life long dream of looking like a serial killer about to go on a rampage.
• I hate when a menu item looks good, but I can't order it because ithas a cutesy name. I'm sorry, but I like myself too much to say the words "Rootin' Tootin' Delicious Chicken Sandwich" in front of anyone I know.
• "If you could get this turned in by tonight that would be great, but really anytime next week is fine." Next Friday it is then.
• Whenever it's below freezing, and you see a girl walking to the bar without a coat on, you should definitely make a move on her. You already know she's into bad decisions.
• I think "I don't like [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey]" is actually code for "I once puked up a ton of [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey] and thought I was going to die."
• I'm sorry TBS, but I have a hard time believing that "House of Payne" is America's favorite sitcom.
• The first thing you should check when determining if you should move into a potential apartment is whether or not your cell phone has service all over the apartment. No coverage in the bedroom? Can't live there.
• I have discovered that my hatred for abbreviations and anal retentiveness for spelling has made me the best drunk texter ever. Sure, I may be squinting out of one eye with my tongue sticking out incomplete concentration at my phone, which is one inch from my eyeball, but you're going to understand what I'm saying, goddammit.
• Dear Pringles: now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
• Watching an entire television series on DVD makes me wonder how people sit and wait a week - a week! - between some episodes. I'm just so thankful that I live in this day and age.
• This line got me laid last night: "What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat.".....Alcohol-1 Logic-0
• You know it's time to do dishes when you're drinking water from a martini glass.
• Condoms are for strangers, not girlfriends.
• You should get a prize just for showing up at work on crappy weather days.
• I'm getting sick of people asking me what I want to do when I graduate. I don't know, is drinking during the day still an option?
• You are a "haha" person or an "lol" person. Either one is fine.. but everyone makes the choice.
• When I was driving back to school I accidentally cut someone off. They screamed "What are you blind?" and I yelled back "No just drunk."They kept their distance after that.
• Two guys at work were amazed by the fact that at both of their apartment complexes they stole internet from some guy that named his router "linksys". They couldn't believe the coincidence. I didn't have the heart to tell them.
• That is a shirt, not a dress. And Leggings are not the same as pants.
• Beware your drunken inner-entrepreneur. While nursing a hangover, I found my handwriting on a wadded up bar napkin that simply read, New Restaurant Idea: Date Crepe! I can't decide if I should be moreworried about the concept, or the fact that I added an exclamation point.
• I had to watch a sexual harassment training video for work. The video showed a day in the life of a small-chested, very bland-looking girl who repeatedly got hit on by co-workers, clients, and even her bosses. My first thought while watching was "there is no way this chick is hot enough to be getting sexually harassed this much." My second thought was "I'm going to get my company sued one day, aren't I?"
• Cops should be able to pull over people who don't turn right on red.
• If the law was really serious about catching drunk drivers, shouldn't they just setup their checkpoints at every fast food drive thru after midnight on the weekends?
• Nothing throws you into a state of panic like getting a phantom vibrate from an empty pocket.
• Won't the ShamWOW just soak up all the water when you throw it inthe washing machine?
• If we're talking, and I say, "That's hilarious" without laughing, I've completely stopped listening to what you are saying.
• Facebook is the only place where being married is usually less serious than being in a relationship.
• I used to get really nervous when checking my grades online for college, not knowing what to expect. Now that I have graduated college the closest I can get to that same feeling is when I check my bankstatements online after a vacation.
• I wish I could update my relationship status to "whoring it up".
• The English language needs a word to describe the situation where two people start talking at the same time, then both stop at the sametime, then both offer that the other go first at the same time.
• Im pretty sure I get 'self beer goggles'. The more beers I drink the hotter I appear in the mirror. Sad downfall to reality when I see those facebook photos of the previous night and realize how awful I actually look when wasted.
• I'm pretty content with our occasional hookups, at least until someone better comes around...
• The next girl that complains to me about not having any money, while carrying a Coach purse is going to get punched in the face.
• I have the deepest desire for my turn signal to be perfectly in sync with the person in front of me.
• When I'm at a bar and I run out of things to say to someone, I'll often squint at a nearby TV just to make it look like I'm really concentrating.
• As a former bouncer at a bar, I don't think that there is anything funnier than turning on the ugly lights at 2am and watching the looks on peoples faces, as they realize what they are about to sleep with.
• Yeah I fucked you. When we make eye contact in a bar the least you could do is nod and lift your beer.
• I wish my office had a confessional like on the 'Real World'
• I wish Taco Bell delivered.
• I wonder how much of my memory is devoted to song lyrics.
• Verizon Wireless, could you please give me a few more time intervals to choose from when it comes to the "snooze" option on your cellphones? Having to hit the snooze button again every 5 minutes is a terrible joke to play on someone

Over-the-Top

Chris Galdi — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:09:00 +0000

1 pm

61° F
Precip:30%

If there is going to be a 30% chance of rain, there is a 70% chance it is not going to be raining. So to all the weather men assigned to the clip art: Please take it easy with the Apocalypse thumbnail, it makes me nervous and really lowers my morale.

And on a related note, don't ever write that there is a 50% percent chance of precipitation, just tell us that you have no fucking clue if it is going to rain or not.

The Ultimate PBA Card

Chris Galdi — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:10:00 +0000

What a douche bag thing to stick to your windshield. Oh you know a cop? Good, why don't you just stick a giant plastic plate in your field of vision so we all know. I guess I am just being envious though. I wouldn't mind wearing one on my tits if in kept me out of court. What I really want to know is if these shields are numbered; or if it is like the Wild Wild West with these things. Cause if they are not serial numbered like Plaxico's pistol then I am going to be reaching in the next open window and stealing the thing. There would be nothing better than driving down the shore with a beer in my hand, a poop in my pants, a grin on my face and a shield on my ship.

Oran-Gyna

Chris Galdi — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 19:47:00 +0000

Just tried Orangina for the first time:
A) Why does it say Shake It! (yes with an exclamation point) if it is a carbonated drink? Is this the initiation into drinking Orangina: that you have to fizzle half a container into your hammic (pictured below) before becoming a regular Orangina drinker.

HAMMIC is the pocket that forms between the fly on your jeans and your belt while sitting, can also be confused with a tiny erection

B) Orangina tastes like a mixed drink less the buzz. Maybe people who pound de-caffe coffee and O'Doul's select Orangina over a screwdriver?

C) It claims to have 12% juice and 2% pulp. Why are you telling me that? Just keep it to yourself. I run a 8:14 mile and have a 20.21" vertical but I'm not going to fucking brag about it.

(Hammic)

What is a Twitter?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:45:00 +0000

Twitter is quickly becoming the new "Billy Crystal" of social networking, and I don't even know what it is. I just logged onto their site and it explains that it is basically the status update section of Facebook. That's it? Really? They ripped off a random aspect of Facebook and people are now heavily involved like Wayne Gacy at a balloon party? How about I start a website where you sign up and all you can do is poke other people on it. I'll call it Woodpeckers and our logo will be a mischievous looking cock. One of the reasons that Twitter gives for using their site is that if you are running late for a meeting, your co-workers might want to know. Actually false. If you are running late for a meeting your co-workers would want you to get the fuck off your computer and drive faster. Personally I do not know a single person who uses Twitter, probably because I am a excellent judge of character. I would never be friends with people who feel it is necessary to broadcast their consumption of a Java Chip Frappuccino and then tweet the ensuing bowl movement.

I'm From L.A. Bra

Chris Galdi — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:30:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES (AP) - City officials and the Lakers are planning a victory parade they hope will overshadow riot and unrest the police chief blames on a mob of "knuckleheads." Police Chief William Bratton said many known gang members were in the crowd that rioted after the Laker's victory. "These knuckleheads seem to really relish their opportunity in the dark," Bratton said. Store owner Richard Torres said he lost at least $100,000 worth of vintage sneakers and sports apparel in the looting.

Store owner Richard Torres said he lost at least $100,000 worth of vintage sneakers and sports apparel in the looting; which by my calculations in L.A. is equivalent to two pairs of Reebok's and an old Shaq jersey. At first when I read this I was thinking "what is Chief Bratton; an 85 year old greens-keeper?" He drops the term "knuckleheads" more frequently than Paul Walker hits you with the terms "bra" and "cuz" in 2Fast 2Furious. But in retrospect nothing will insult a gang banger like calling him a knucklehead. I mean it makes them come off like a bunch of pussies. It's the same reaction that a teacher would have to a retard that spills milk on their birthday. First they would say "Oh dratz you spilt your milk you knucklehead!" And then the party would continue. So are the L.A. gangsters getting clowned by Chief Bratton and the city of L.A.? Or is the chief just another metro sexual tool in L.A. that calls people knuckleheads?

"Forget About It Cuz"

Which Holds More Salt?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:14:00 +0000

How can a salt packet that weighs no more than a gram hold twelve pounds of salt? I rip them open and start to sprinkle my fries when I realize, “holy shit I don’t even need to use this entire salt packet”. There is a point where I am still sprinkling and the amount of salt pouring out becomes fucking comical. Then I look into my take-out bag and realize I grabbed 45 salt packets. Do you know how much fucking table salt is in 45 salt packets? Mahatma Gandhi led 100,000 people on the "Salt Satyagraha" in which protesters made their own salt from the sea. They could have fit all the salt they made into (3) salt packets, let alone 45. So can you fit ten pounds of shit in a one pound bag? Yes, as long as that bag is an iodized salt packet.

This phenomenon is in direct contrast to the existence of ketchup packets. Ketchup on the other hand comes in packages that appear cumbersome, but in reality do not have contents. By the time you’re done ripping open ketchup packets your knuckles look similar to those of a coked up cheese-grater who needs to meet a quota.

Unmanned Rocket to Moon

Chris Galdi — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:31:00 +0000

WASHINGTON (AP) — NASA plans to launch an unmanned rocket to the moon Thursday, the first such mission in a decade. The space agency announced plans for the launch Wednesday after deciding to postpone a space shuttle mission because of a hydrogen gas leak. The robotic moon probes will hunt for hidden ice. The mission will cost $583 million.

"NASA plans to launch an unmanned rocket to the moon Thursday". This is the headline and we still wonder what the US is doing with all the Guantanamo Bay detainees…
And what the fuck are we hunting for again, hidden ice? How do they know it is there if it is hidden? And even if we find it who the fuck cares? I have a shit load of unhidden-ice that is still in my blender from this morning. I think the problem is our obsession with assuming that extraterrestrial life requires water to survive just because we do. It is extremely smug to make this assumption. We have to stop projecting human characteristics on other things and assuming stupid shit like this just because we are pompous. I mean we assume that aliens depend on Dasani and that God looks like George Clooney. Maybe aliens really hate water and refuse to live on planets that fuck with water. Why not? And maybe God doesn’t appear homosapian, but looks more like John Goodman. Not to mention this mission cost half a billion dollars. If we are going to spend that sort of money we might as well make a TV show out of it. They will roofy an unsuspecting victim, Hangover style, and then put them on a rocket to the moon. The show will be called "Where the Fuck Am I?"

Chris Galdi — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:33:00 +0000

Every now and again while Cruisin' USA ill run across one of these evactuation route signs (especially those of you in Boston). I have to say, I'm not a huge fan. They are flawed in every aspect of their existance. The main mindblower is that when you see one, there is never one preceeding it. It's not like detour signs where you anticipate the next one. So this leads me to assume that if you see an evacuation route sign you hit the gas and head for the horizon? For instance I saw on of these on Goffle Road in Hawthorne, NJ and the fucking sign was aimed at Paterson, NJ. So your telling me that in the heat of an emergency the best thing I should do is book it toward P Town Paterson? If there is ever an emergency where the masses are going to be evacuaing I can assure you that I will not be using the single evacuation route sign I once ran across on a late night trip to DQ. Your going to generally use a bit of judgement. For instance, if the nuke is aimed at NYC I will be zipping down South, away from the explosion. The "CD" logo on the bottom of the signs stands for Civil Defense, which is an effort to prepare civilians for military attack. How can you predetermine where the military attack is coming from? Shouldn't the evacuation route be primarily based on the position of the soviet tanks at the time?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:45:00 +0000

Speaking of the stick man, I ran across this sign on the left while searching for the "In case of fire do not use elevators" sign. Notice the audacity of the stick man as he walks right in the middle of the street (compared to normal crossing sign on right).

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:46:00 +0000

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:47:00 +0000

What the flip cup is up with the white bar in the middle of the DO NOT ENTER SIGN. To me it looks like it is an ideal spot for
people to write things in with a Sharpe marker. So i was thinking about possibilities of things that could be written in this space:
DO NOT _______ ENTER
a) Exit Or
b) Have Pants on If You
c) Slow Down Upon
Or the least they can do is write "DO NOT ENTER" in this blank space instead of in the red. Maybe it is a analogy of words not entering their proper space.

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:48:00 +0000

I thought autism was a brain development disorder characterized by impaired social interaction and communication. That being said, where is the threat of autistics lunging into oncoming traffic? I mean isn't that the reason the sign was made? To warn passer-bys of risky autistics with springy legs and a death wish. You have to appreciate this kid though. His parents in a patronizing tone probably said, "Johnny, that sign is made just for you." Then he was like "Should I pose by it? Fuck it I'll pose by it."

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:49:00 +0000

The floor isn't actually wet here. So by deductive reasoning I would not take this Leonidas caution with a grain of salt.

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:49:00 +0000

Street Signs

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:54:00 +0000

No parking on sidewalks? No town in their right mind would put that sign up referring to cars, it's just too obvious of a rule (But then again, there are "one way" signs on the Garden State Parkway). So I'm sitting here thinking, maybe this town has a lot of drunks that just park their car wherever. But you can see in the picture that the businesses include a pizzeria and a flea market, no bar. I was completely stumped. Then it hit me...fat bitches! This municipality is sick of their town being tainted with obese chicks buying lawn furniture and then parking their f.u.p.a.'s in front of the pie hut. Note: that's not a dude in the blue shirt, it's a huge chick.

Question of the Day with Bill Plaschke

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:22:00 +0000

"Is it OK to moisturize my body with the same bottle of Lubriderm that I masturbate with? Or should I buy two separate bottles. One for moisture; and one for posture?"

~Bill Plaschke

Evolution of Odor

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:35:00 +0000

We have all heard it. Tall, dark and handsome. The three characteristics girls correlate with their ideal mate. Based on evolution, this model makes good sense. This is logical because these would be the relative characteristics of a superior hunter/gatherer. Being tall and large makes fighting and killing easier. Being dark means that the man is an experienced gatherer who spends plenty of time in the sun; and handsome can be tied to a broad jaw that could withstand a blow in a fight and features that would supplement the senses. My question is, if girls are attracted to these large men based upon evolution, why are they not attracted to men with body odor? Body odor should historically be equated with the worker man who contributes to their society and has a living. On the other hand, the man with no scent should historically be lazy and disposable. I know you may be saying, but body odor fucking reeks like a open cast; why would girls be attracted to that? If you are saying that then get on my fucking level; body odor is only an odor because our mind tells us it’s an odor. I am saying that the female mind should associate body odor with the same positive feelings they tie to men who are tall, dark and handsome. It’s science and it’s for your health.

Crocs: "Come Out of Fallout, I think the Trend is Over"

Chris Galdi — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:38:00 +0000

I understood Birkenstocks, Jesus wore them, and Jesus arguably has some pull. But the fucking Crocs really bothered me. It started off as shitty bodega beach shoe and then spread like rashes in a deep-forest nudist colony. I am proud to say that despite heavy persuasion from everyone except Bill Pullman (Bill Pullman can convince me to do anything), I never bought into the trend of dressing like a six year old with a shit in my pants. You have grown men, while looking like post-rape alter boys, trying to explain to you the functionality of a cheap sandal. I get it, they are light weight and waterproof. So is my nude body, but you don't see me strolling into CVS in just socks because it's a hot July day. I on the other hand am a big fan of the Teva sandal that straps around the ankle. This is a style that like a single-malt whisky has been understood by the old and wise for years. Old men drink and sleep pretty much all day, they got it figured out. So when you see them consistently rocking ankle strap sandals you have to take a second and raise an eyebrow in thought: "Maybe I should be wearing these, maybe I should be wearing these?" Or maybe I should just shut the fuck up and roll the Bill Pullman Independence Day footage.

Thought of the Day with Barack Obama

Chris Galdi — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:21:00 +0000

"Wetzel Pretzels remind me of good times; chicken teryaki at Sarku Japan reminds me of better times."

Asher Roth

Chris Galdi — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:49:00 +0000

When I first heard the song "I Love College" I was thinking why the fuck is Eminem doing a rap about college? It just didn't seem right. Then I realize it's a new random dude named Asher Roth who looks like Michael Cera without Jonah Hill backing him up. I can understand the suburban rap style, because for the love of god not all of us sling coke and knife bitches. But if Roth is going to rap about college he can't say shit like "Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again. Man, I love college". It's more like "Pass out at 6, wake up at 3, I feel like shit and got no where to be. Man, how am i still in College?" When I was in school if you fell asleep at 3am it was assumed that you had the flu or something.

Asher also tells us in his song:
"Yeah, of course I learned some rules: Like don't pass out with your shoes on (Get the Sharpie!) And don't have sex if she's too gone."
"I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked"

Don't have sex if she is too gone? Isn't that what every college guy goes out in the hunt for, drunk and hot girls? This is like the thesis statement for college: How can we get some drunk hot girls around? Roth has to stop coming off at the lip preaching sober sex if his main gig is rapping about college life. Not to mention, if you don't have a girlfriend, when is honestly the last time you had sex with a sober girl? And is Roth some sort of a douche bag or something. If you pass out with your shoes on he will draw on your fucking face with a permanent marker. If my friends pass out with their shoes on I'm like, "nice form dude". Roth also fires off like he is always getting bitches naked and getting laid. I'm saying bullshit. It's not like it's Marky Marky singing the "I Love College" song. It is just "pale-as-David-Carradine" Roth rapping here. I bet this guy pulled about as much tail as Jared Fogle pre-Subway Diet. And I also bet that Roth dancing looks like a wounded seagull trying to stay a float in choppy waters. All said and done I don't hate Asher Roth because we are way overdue for a fresh white rapper. I just wish two things would happen: a) Asher Roth would party a little harder and rap about it b) Eminem records a diss track on Asher Roth to initiate him into rapping and make it known he copied his voice. Not to mention the only reason Roth is popular is because Eminem started rapping in a wierd high pitched tone on his new album. The only diss I found on Roth was by this guy Copywrite who's career sucks a high hard one, but here is the diss anyway:

Tipping the Wrong Cows

Chris Galdi — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 18:49:00 +0000

I am tired of tipping bar tenders heavily when generally all they do is open twist-off beer with bottle openers. I mean at a dollar tip per drink I end up throwing away at least $20 by the end of the night to a guy/girl who doesn't give a hop, skip or a rock-piss about me. When I tip a bartender they take if from me like I owed it, or they just let the money sit in a piss pool of beer on the bar like I left them Danny Gans show tickets or something. So I'm going to let you in on a secret of how to become a local celebrity in your own town. Instead of wasting money on a douche bartender that won't even remember your face or the size of your tip (pun intended); once a week drop a relatively large tip into the Dunkin' Donuts tip cup. Or when you go to the car wash hand the boss man a $10 spot. Now when you walk into places in your town you have a staff of service men and women licking your tits and shaving your hands (yes licking your tits and shaving your hands) rather than some fuck face taking your $10 and ignoring you for you next drink. A fever (fever = $5.00) in town is equivalent to a $50 at a bar, it's 10x more valuable. This method of limiting bar tender tips also prevents you from having to embarrass yourself at the atm machine. Why do we become mentally reduced to monkeys when we see the diagram of the magnetic strip on the credit card machine? Even sober, I partake in a slapdash attempt to align the seemingly elementary diagram with my BofA card. In the end my multiple credit card thrusts come off like the Hamburgler fucking Grimace the large purple party puppet. (We all know the Hamburgler is sporting a flat hamburger dick)

Quote of the Day with Michael Vick

Chris Galdi — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:17:00 +0000

"What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come."

Come on Vick enough is enough already. We get it; you fight dogs.

Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too

Chris Galdi — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:09:00 +0000

Fighting doesn't work? No body is fighting the fact that your daughter is a fire-patch. She brushes through her hair in a cry of desperation to her father that she needs a makeover or at least a wig. Maybe if she dropped the slutty Raggedy Anne look her teachers would start taking her seriously and boys would stop using her as a cum dumpster. End result..improved grades. Ignoring it doesn't work? I don't think your ignoring it if you have retard discussions about your son right in front of him. And believe it or not, that will teach him something; it will teach him how to tie a noose. Punishment doesn't work? The mother yells, "Saying it and doing it are two different things!" Oh what a fucking punishment, cry me a river. You want to get people into the seats at the learning center? Show a video of a father walking in on his daughter stripping in front of a youtube camera instead of hitting the books. That will show the reality of what parents with children who are failures go through. Oh you know what, I think we have video of that...

Video Note: How great is it that he has to yell over the techno stripper music

Making "A Rod Money", scratch that...Making "Simon Cowell Money"

Chris Galdi — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:43:00 +0000

NY Post -- Early salary figures from Simon Cowell's "American Idol" contract negotiations are leaking out and they're eye-popping. Cowell, who reportedly made $36 million last year for judging the hit competition show, has been offered three or four times that amount -- between $100 million and $144 million per year.

Is Red Socks Nation going to cry about Simon making too much money? Is Red Sox Nation going to say that American Idol is evil because the Next Best Dance Crew panel doesn't have that kind of money? This is the money that Simon deserves. American Idol rakes in $900 million a year and I am going to claim that at least 10% of that cash flow is due to Simon's snarky comments ($900mill/$100mil = ~$10%). The Yankees generate $300 million a year and A Rod takes $33 million of that. Again, A Rod earns 10% of the revenue because he is responsible for 10% of the effort. The Yanks also hand over $100 million a year to MLB ($70 million revenue sharing, $25 million luxury tax). The rest of the MLB should suck A Rods veiny cock for supplying the real nation with $100 million dollars of communal cash for the advertisement of your shitty teams. Listen, there is no salary cap in baseball or in American Idol. We are just simply playing by the rules. If you don't have money to buy a baseball team don't buy one, it's as basic as that. I am not going to open up a hardware store next to the Home Depot simply for the fact that I don't have the money to compete. But if I were to open up shop, I wouldn't wine about the quality of Home Depot's merchandise.

Kevin Skinner: Is He an Actor or a Real Country Red-Neck?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:22:00 +0000

This guy is America's Susan Boyle. You have to question whether the whole hillbilly gig is an act like Larry the Cable Guy's though. And Sharron Osbourn, how the fuck can you laugh at someones accent. Are you serious? Not only are you married to the king of incoherence, but you yourself sound like an Austrian with clothes pins on his balls. My final verdict on this guy is that he is in fact a red-neck, and they made him step up his stupidity just a little bit for ratings. I came to this conclusion because historically poor blacks sing the blues, and dumb red-necks sing country. It would have been more likely staged if an intellectual came up instead and busted out perfect Garth Brooks.

Ryan Rex

Chris Galdi — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:25:00 +0000

New York, New York -- Rex Ryan has overcome a lot of hurdles en route to becoming the Jets head coach, but one of them is little known to the public. Ryan recently revealed to newyorkjets.com that he's had to deal with dyslexia, a learning disability that makes it difficult for people to acquire and process language. That has left Ryan with difficulty reading, spelling and writing. "If you have dyslexia, you can still reach your goals," he said. "I remember skipping school when I was a kid all the time. . . . I was embarrassed. How come I was struggling? I'd get a spelling test and it was ridiculous. I couldn't even get in the ballpark. So that was really frustrating."

Great, just when everything seems like it is falling into place for the Jets we find out that everything is completely backwards. Bottom line is that I don't care that Rex Ryan is a dyslexic. I think that he must really know football to be able to power through the minor leagues of coaching with this disability. This also presents some opportunities for the Jets:

Symptoms of Dyslexia:

Confusion with combinations of words: This will prevent the Patriots from spying on the Jets. Picture Bill Belichick looking through his binoculars at Ryan's playbook that reads "Drpo bakc psas, doblue taem Omss". It will be easier to decode the origin of the Illuminati than it will be to decipher Ryan's plays.

Difficulty with time keeping and concept of time: Coach will have a vague idea of when the end of the game is coming so he will never put the Jets into prevent defense.

Difficulty with hearing and manipulating sounds in words: When Woody Johnson tells Ryan that they paid a lot of money for Gholston and that he has to start; Ryan will instead understand that as driving Gholston out to the middle of no where and leaving him for dead.

Difficulty learning the alphabet: This is actually not good at all. If Ryan ever participates in a J-E-T-S chant he is going to sound like Flava Flav talking politics.

But listen kids, look on the bright side, "If you have dyslexia, you can still reach your goals". Thanks Rex, thanks.

"Cheers to Beers": The Un-Standable Cone Cup

Chris Galdi — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 19:47:00 +0000

Cheers to the un-standable cone cup. Just when we think we couldn't possibly chug (4) fluid ounces of water, you force us to prove to ourselves wrong. The water in you is always cold, primarily because you don't give us a chance to let it sit. Your appearance never waivers. And when your not there; oh how I miss you. You are chosen in mental institutions for your power to peer pressure people into chugging. I just wish people had the power to choose you, un-standable cone cup, over shot glasses worldwide; because you know how to get the job done right as soon as your called to the task.

Out

Chris Galdi — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 16:40:00 +0000

Going to be out of the office until July 16th. If I get locked up abroad please contact Liam Neeson at the number 9 (nine).

The Republic of Asurion

Chris Galdi — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:03:00 +0000

(Click on Image to Make Larger)

Every birthday the inevitable happens; no you don't become a year wiser, instead you lose another fucking cell phone to a day of socially acceptable binge drinking. The following morning after filing away six waters, you attempt to navigate the Asurion wireless cell phone program. Next thing you know you’re in a fucking police station sweating like the number one suspect in a string of Krispy Kreme arson fires; making up stories of how your cell was launched off a cliff with every charger and cell phone case you had since you bought your Motorola V60 in ’03. All said and done, much of this is just a technicality formulated by Asurion to keep people honest, and in the end all they want is their 50 bills. Yet to my surprise, Asurion protects themselves legally from much more than just teens looking to score a fresh Blackberry Storm. While caged in a Verizon recently, in boredom I scanned through the Asurion insurance pamphlet (pictured above) which reads "Asurion does not cover loss or damage caused DIRECTLY, or INDIRECTLY from war, including undeclared Civil War". Just when you think your wireless phone protection program has your back you find out that they don't even cover phones damaged in insurrections. I haven't felt this let down since I realized that a tornado is not a twister, just heavy rain. And if we get nuked we are S.O.L.? When does it end? What happens if William Wallace strikes me in the back right pocket of my Levi's with a mace and then he publicly says that it was the result of an undeclared civil war? Am I really going to have to pay for a new phone? And if my two years aren't up will I have to pay fucking retail? That's like two grand. See people, this is the inherent problem with America, our damn fear of lawyers and liability. Truth is, it is our fault for suing people when we fuck up. We resort to lawyers before good judgement. George Carlin said it best: "Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider." Well that bottom 50th percentile should be tagged accordingly and kept out of the court system. Or better yet we could just remove all the safety labels from household products and watch them die off. And was William Wallace's name force fucked into this post? Yes, but for good reason...

Kelly Hildebrandt Musical Chairs

Chris Galdi — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 19:21:00 +0000

Actual Kelly Hildebrandt Couple Pictured Above

Eligible Kelly Hildebrandt #1

Eligible Kelly Hildebrandt #2

COR AL SPRINGS, Fla. — Kelly Hildebrandt will marry Kelly Hildebrandt (first picture). An engaged Florida couple has the same first and last name. Here's how it all started: 20-year-old Kelly Hildebrandt decided to search Facebook for other people with her name. Up popped Kelly Hildebrandt of Lubbock, Tex. For the next three months the two exchanged e-mails and then started calling each other. The couple plans to marry in October.

I just typed in Kelly Hildebrandt on facebook and (10) other Kelly Hildebrandts popped up. If your name is Kelly Hildebrandt, you have to be kind of pissed about what is going on in the Kelly Hildebrandt community. If sexy bitches named Chris Galdi are marrying pale, lanky dudes also named Chris Galdi, and my name is fucking Chris Galdi; I'm going to be like, "What the fuck, where was the memo?" I mean look at eligible Kelly Hildebrandt #1 who's facebook profile showed up in my search results. She is kind of hot and telling the world that she parties, forcefully displaying the Corona bottle. Then on the other hand you have single, edgy, and caring Kelly Hildebrandt #2, showing his puppy and telling the world that he is ready to commit. I have 30 grand saying that Kelly Hildebrandt #2 wrote on #1's facebook wall spitting some shitty "name game". I personally think that this whole Kelly Hildebrandt thing is god damn incestual. It's not like there are thousands of Kelly Hildebrandts on facebook, there are only ten. This means that the name is only a few generations deep. It's not like marrying a Smith or Douglas. And why are dudes being named Kelly? I could see if they were spelling it with a little zazz like "Keilley" or "Ckellie", but fucking Kelly is a chicks name. Period.

Do you know how I know your gay? Your name is Kelly and you pose is sandcastles.

Smug Thug

Chris Galdi — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 16:46:00 +0000

(Click on Above Police Report Prior to Reading Article)

Cambridge, MA -- Harvard African American history professor Gates' arrest followed a report of a possible burglary. President Barack Obama said Wednesday that police acted "stupidly" in the arrest of prominent black scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. and that despite racial progress blacks and Hispanics are still singled out unfairly for arrest. Obama called Gates a friend, and said he doesn't know all the facts of the case.

Let me first say that I hate the police more than the guy next to me, and I do not feel that I am a racist. But blacks in America have to realize two things:

1) Cops are raging assholes to everybody. If I were black I would think I was being singled out by the cops also, but cops treat everybody like hot garbage. Dealing with cops is like being on an episode of MTV's Boiling Points, you have to deal with their power trip to prove that you are not a loose cannon. If you snap and start yelling in the streets like a thug saying "COPS ARE RACISTS" you can bet your ass that you are going to be arrested for disorderly conduct. Everybody knows that, so don’t tell me that a fucking Harvard scholar didn’t.

2) Obama has said regarding this issue that "There's a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately, that's just a fact." It's also a fact that African Americans make up 13 percent of the United States population and nearly 50 percent of the jail population; now that's what you call disproportionate. If the stats show that your race dominates crime, racial profiling is just something that you're going to have to deal with until your brethren stop committing such a high frequency of fault. This is especially true because of the distinct skin color of African Americans, they are easy to be singled out despite positive individual virtues. A lot of people say that the blacks only overwhelm the cells because they are targeted by cops. Listen, if a cop is harassing you and pulls you over more often than other races that only wastes your time, it doesn't lock you up. What sends you to prison is getting pulled over with a pound of coke and Bob Sagat's dead body in your trunk. So when "scholar" Gates refuses to show his ID after being spotted breaking into a house with a friend, not only is he being stubbornly ignorant, but he is trying way too hard to be a martyr. This arrest was not about race. If I was flagged breaking into a house with my shoulder cops would want me to step outside and show my ID, and I would do so. I wouldn’t start shouting out injustices in the streets like a little baby. And why isn’t Gates calling a locksmith? I lose my shit all the time but I never had to resort to breaking into my house with my shoulder. For a neighbor to call the cops on Gates he must have been fucking whaling away at his door like a bull in handcuffs. Hey Gates, if you are such a scholar then engineer a better spare key system. The only real injustice I see in this whole case is that the charges were dropped solely because Gates is black and knows Barack Obama. This arrest is not about race. It is about arrogance, and it is about a shocking betrayal of the public trust. It is about criminals (Gates) who use politics and race to engage in disorderly behavior while betraying those who cannot pull those sorts of strings. Professor Gates is not a martyr as he wishes to be; he is a dishonorable waste of human intelligence on a mission to vindicate his life's work.

Are These Official NES Raiden Dimensions for Real?

Chris Galdi — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 18:41:00 +0000

RAIDEN
Age: Eternal
Height: 7'-0"
Weight: 350
Hair: Black
Eyes: None
Legal Status: Mystic- Does not apply
Known Relatives: None
Occupation: Warrior

I was board one afternoon at a friend's house when I stumbled across the NES instruction manual for the original Mortal Kombat. Raiden's profile snuck up on me like a $20 bill in an old pair of jeans. They have Raiden listed at 7'-0" 350; and it's not like the other characters are fucking huge or anything, just Raiden. I listed some of the other character sizes:

JOHNNY CAGE
Real Name: John Carlton
Age: 29
Height: 6' 1"
Weight: 200

KANO
Age: 35
Height: 6'
Weight: 205

I mean if Raiden is a seven footer you would expect that Cano would be at least like 6'-8". And the best part is that they didn't make Rayden like 9 feet tall. He is a realistic 7 foot 350 and he doesn't have any eyes. And what's with the black hair, it might just be me but doesn't Raiden have white hair? Like Doc Brown white, not Bob Barker white. It is also hysterical that he has ventured into the outerworld alone. You got a seven footer slowly floating through the universe without destination; I guess you have to pass the time somehow when your eternal.

Dennis Quaid Impersonator

Chris Galdi — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:42:00 +0000

Youtube has begun to breed a new generation of slapstick comedians. Only now-a-days slapstick literally refers to getting your stick slapped. The Youtube fan base is looking for shock value, and where they is a market there will be performers. The only problem with these videos is that there is no side story associated with the injury. In theory this should be the best type of Youtube video, it's quick and someone gets hurt, but in the end it just doesn't feel right. A brief fake premise would do, such as a staged baseball toss where one "accidentally" gets away from the catcher and crushes his crane and candy bag. It's like watching a porno without the initial role play, yes you fast foward through it anyway but it is good to know it was there.

Michael Buffer is to "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" as Jan Kraus is to Faceplant Entrances:

Guidos.

Chris Galdi — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 23:02:00 +0000

When I wind up in the mix with a bunch of guidos, like what happened to me this past Saturday at the Tiki Bar in Point Pleasant, my reaction is disgust. Disgust that this group of "people" actually like the way they look and behave. A guido dresses like a metrosexual thug and talks about fights that happened in high school. Eavesdropping on a guido conversation sounds like a Joe Rogan UFC fight recap. But reflecting on these feelings I realize that the problem is not the guidos, it's the girls that they hang out with. Anybody can sadly admit that where there are guidos, there are smoking hot girls. The same relationship is apparent between fat people in the heat and ambulances. Obviously these guys feel their own style, because the most important global critics also do, hot girls. This raises a few questions about females that need answers:

Do most girls secretly have the hots for guidos, but hide their emotions to save the future of their reputation? Is it possible that dressing like a guido in a bar is hated on similarly to girls dressing like a sluts in the clubs? Think about it, mediocre chicks hate when girls wear a low cut shirt or a high skirt and heels in bars because the guys give them all the attention. Do guys like myself hate guidos because girls actually digg their style? The last thing I want to be is the male version of the fat chick whining about sexy sluts. I'm starting to realize that steriods are the male equivilent of fake tits and plastic surgery. Maybe the guido thing started as a costume but then these dudes realized that they were on to something and it was all grease and gravy from there. Or maybe I just got too much fucking salt water up my nose yesterday, where am I?

Can an Aerosol Can Explode if Put to a Flame?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 19:25:00 +0000

(Click on Above Image to Enlarge)

So I was thinking about putting a flame to an aerosol can today after work, you know, for old times sake. Then I remembered the urban legend saying that if you light a can on fire the flame ball might shoot back up the spray, into the can, and make your face look like a game Streets of Rage played by an orphan. As this uncertainty began to cast a gloomy shadow over my day's plans, I realized that I could turn to Y! Answers for help. The question/answer combo I found makes the Scottie Pippen/Horace Grant NBA Jam duo look like six grade rec. Actually no; but it's still pretty good.

QUESTION: If you spray fire with an aerosol can is it possible for the can to explode? Also if possible what are the odds, approximately. Is it likely for the fire to go back up the can? I have done this many times and just wanted to know.

In short the question asks what the ballpark odds are on the fucking can exploding. Everybody at some point has asked this question. I can sense that the kid asking has recorded countless aerosol observations, and is (1) Yahoo answer away from concluding that an aerosol can is a flawless flamethrower; as we all have more or less already concluded.

ANSWER: I've done it too, i caught a wall on fire with my friend, i suppose if the fire got close enough and the can hot enough it could explode, so my days of that is over thats terrifying.

Please note that this answer is THE BEST ANSWER as chosen by Yahoo voters. The answer has three stages: the first stage recalls fun times with aerosol flames, the second is contemplative worry, and the third is a complete shift of gears into panic. It's like they typed the first two lines, forgot they wrote them, and replied to their own answer saying it sounds terrifying. The answer reminds me of the song Layla by Derek and the Dominoes. And when it is all said and done the ballpark question never gets answered! How fucking brutal is it when you ask someone to give you a ballpark figure and they flat out refuse; I take it as a personal insult. It's almost as brutal as when you ask someone for an address to plug into your GPS and they start giving you turn-by-turn directions. And when you cut them off and reinforce the fact that you have satellite guided navigation they tell you, "Yeah, but its really easy; you just turn right at the school etc. etc. etc.". Meanwhile you are just looking at their dumb mouth move while still trying to figure out why they wont just give you a fucking address to plug into the screen.

So, if you spray fire with an aerosol can is it possible to explode? Well I typed "aerosol flamethrower" into Youtube and there were no videos with over 8,000 hits. So no.

Just in Case You Were Wondering What a Penguin's Skeleton Looks Like

Chris Galdi — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:47:00 +0000

Your Welcome

Who is QWERTY?

Chris Galdi — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 16:47:00 +0000

No one knew the keyboard had a name until cell companies started marketing full (QWERTY) keyboards. I remember when I was introduced to a keyboard in like '92, the first thing I thought was "who fucked mine up?" I personally think they should have kept the keyboard alphabetical, but if your going to get zazzy with the letters you might as well consult Pat Sajak for input. Every Wheel watcher knows that the 10 letters "DHIATENSOR" are capable of composing 70% of the words in the English language. Yet on the QWERTY keyboard these letters are sprawled out like overweight skier's equipment. In the QWERTY layout many more words can be spelled using only the left hand than the right hand. In fact, thousands of English words can be spelled using only the left hand, while only a couple of hundred words can be typed using only the right hand. I think it's about time we make the jump to a fresher layout. The only hurdle with moving to a new layout is that we are locked to our current setup similarly to the US standard of measurement. The layout we use today was designed around allowing people to type the word "TYPEWRITER" with only the keys in the top row. Is that really what got peoples' rocks off in the 1870's? The only sweet part about the QWERTY keyboard is typing the word "QWERTY". That is actually the reason I am writing this article, so i could keep typing QWERTY. If my first son is a prick I am going to change his name to Qwerty so all the kids in school make fun of him. "Do you know how I know your son is wierd? His name is Qwerty."

When Does Football Start?

Chris Galdi — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:43:00 +0000

The Catholic church really has to get with the program. As a child your first impressions with religion involve being ripped out of bed on a Sunday morning and getting dragged to a 50 minute thrill session comparable to a Creed concert on Oxycontin. In the past the church used divine retribution as their top tier recruiting tool to fill the pews. Now people are beginning to see past all the magic leaving the church in a place where they have to figure out new ways to put asses in the seats. Bottom line is you have to get them while they're young. Camel cigarettes figured that out with the Joe Camel, Parliament bagged the young coke heads the recessed filter, but the church is betting the house on Christmas. Let's be honest, without Christmas the church is holding an unsuited 2,7. I'm not saying that the church has to fill the confessionals up with strippers, what I'm saying is they need to give me a reason to go other than guilt.

Newport Adsense

Chris Galdi — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:17:00 +0000

Alright, we get it, black people are stronger than white people. But that can't be the message in Newport's ad; right? I only see three possible explanations to this print ad.
1) If you smoke Newports you will dominate in beach tug-of-war
They are obviously not saying that because it is obviously not true. If anything, it is the foursome who is ripping the Newports like Gary Sinise watching Final Destination II.
2) Newport straight up thinks a pleasure filled fun beach image is a bunch of guys and girls getting fucking owned
First of all I don't play beach tug-o, but if I was going to, I sure as the sand in my grundle wouldn't invite that "peachtree-settlement" in the anchor spot to play on my team.
3) The girl on the black team is actually a guy
Check out the fucking bulge.

Two Cows? I'd Rather Have a Beer

Chris Galdi — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 20:29:00 +0000

Cow Politics and Corporate Models

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
They are mad. They die.
Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
There are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

CRAZY COACHES HOLD NO GLOVES PRACTICE

Chris Galdi — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:44:00 +0000

StadiumRoar's founders lose their cool while coaching a little league team. Now they are giving away stuff for free at StadiumRoar.com

Buster Douglas VS Nancy Zerg for Biggest Upset of All Time

Chris Galdi — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 23:45:00 +0000

I'm not a dumb guy, but when I watch Jeopardy I feel like a goddamn ra-tard. There is me...and then on the other side of the universe you have people like Ken Jennings (the guy who won Jeopardy 74 times in a row) shouting out answers like a 16 year old asian with Tourettes in math class. I can throw dice with Regis' Millionaire questions; you have life lines, multiple choices and time. But the Jeopardy questions are out of the fucking index of an 11th grade history text book. What pisses me off most is that when Ken Jennings or any other one of the repeat champions is providing answers, Alex Trebeck doesn't even bat an eyelash in excitement. He absorbs the fucking information like the question 1+1 was raised. I wanted once, just once, for Ken Jennings to slap the podium after a victory and scream at Trebeck, "Are you not entertained?!" "Is this not why you are here?!" Trekeck acts like a teacher tutoring six year olds. Judging by the way he carries himself, Trebek's IQ must give him a fucking headache.

Important Fact: Nancy Zerg beat Jennings on his 75th appearance. The Final Jeopardy! category was Business & Industry, and the answer was "Most of this firm's 70,000 seasonal white-collar employees work only four months a year". Zerg responded correctly, with "What is H&R Block?". Her wager of $4,401 took her score to $14,401, $1 ahead of Ken Jennings. Jennings responded with "What is FedEx?"

Really Jennings? Fucking FedEx? Anyone who as seen Castaway knows that the FedEx crew is working overtime. Ever hear of overnight AM delivery? Agreed that this was a bogus question with multiple acceptable answers such as "any Detroit Lions player", "Gene Shalit", or "Mel Kiper Jr"...but FedEx Ken? Come on buddy.

Plastic Sofa Cover for your Car

Chris Galdi — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:56:00 +0000

The Bumper Badger is the newest fetish trend; spreading through New York like jimmy hats after the AIDS outbreak in the '80s. Yes, the badger has measurable benefits, like protecting your car from hairline scratches. Problem is, the Bumper Badger goes with your whip like a wobbly chair with a noose. Once you throw it on your bumper, you give parallel parkers the license to use your car as a parking guide. People are going to be love tapping your ride like Clay Aiken in the presence of Hasselhoff's bulge. The Badger is also a testament to America's laziest. I see people constantly driving around the city with these pads still hanging out. You don't see chicks is playboy posing with their pads out? Do you? Am I wrong? I would rather have a giant scratch on my bumper than have that floor mat dangling off my car. It's the same mentality as the people who cover their sofas in plastic wrap. The Pope, the Queen or the Bill Pullman are never coming to your house, so take the fucking plastic off (that's what she said). I say if people are so concerned with car damage, and so unconcerned with it's cosmetic appearance (irony), we aught to make a brand of cars wrapped in rubber like an iPod Touch. It will probably lessen the impact in a collision as well. But I can promise it wont lessen the impact of my spinning heel kick to your larry's.

Jews for Jesus

Chris Galdi — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:18:00 +0000

When they teach you about oxymorons in school, Jews for Jesus should be the first example. Fact: the only thing that separates Judaism from Christianity is the belief that Jesus is the Messiah. So how the fuck can Jews for Jesus exist? Try to follow me here: that's like a Red Socks fan, while wearing a Red Socks hat, go to Yankee Stadium as the Red Socks play the Yankees, and root for the Yankees. Am I wrong? And while we are on the topic of "oxymorinic" clubs, I though I would come up with a few of my own: Lesbians for Men; Mexicans for Money; Cougars for Sugar Daddies; Recovered Alcoholics for Absolut; Gingers for Sex; and last but not least...Blacks for Black Diamonds (the Ski Slopes).

The 'ABC's of NJ State Liquor Law

Chris Galdi — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:48:00 +0000

HOW OLD MUST SOMEONE BE TO PURCHASE OR DRINK ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES ON A LICENSED PREMISES?
A person must be 21 years of age or older to legally purchase or consume any alcoholic beverage on a licensed premise. There is absolutely no exception to this. (N.J.S.A. 9:17B-1.)

HOW OLD MUST SOMEONE BE TO OWN A LIQUOR LICENSE?
The lawful age to own a license and to purchase alcoholic beverage products for resale under a license privilege is 18 years of age. (N.J.S.A. 9:17B-1.)

This is almost as hypocritical has making the gambling age in Atlantic City 21, but then selling $20 scratch offs to 18 year olds in NJ convenience stores. I didn't even edit the laws above. They literally followed one after the other. As soon as they said there is no exception to this, they made an exception. Well I guess that's our state legislative branch for you: sincere, credible and attentive...just like a Paul O'Neil broadcast.

What is that Japanese billboard in Yankee Stadium Advertising?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:16:00 +0000

Duhh, the answer is obviously The Yomiuri Shimbun Newspaper 読売新聞, only the biggest newspaper in Japan. The Yomiuri Shimbun is like the New York Post on HGH and crack, all while being written in another language. I bet you can't write in another language. Well can ya, huh? The Yomiuri Shimbun is one of the owner companies of the Tokyo Yomiuri Giants, where Godzilla (Hideki Matsui) belonged and played. Interesting Fact: Matsui is a sushi chef in the Bronx. Actually he is not, but I bet you believed me.

Dirty Sanchez (My Cheeziest Title Yet, but I had to do it)

Chris Galdi — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 23:47:00 +0000

Sanchez throws for 272 yards and a TD in Jets 24-7 win at Houston. Usually I am a really pessimistic Jets fan, but I have a great feeling about Sanchez. For one, his morale is through the roof. He brings energy and excitement to the table that only a young vibrant rookie can. Farve was good for morale, the only problem with him was that when he bled green, it was of the Green Bay hue. I also have a theory about good looking rookie quarterbacks like Sanchez (no homo?). A good looking rookie NFL quarterback has already completed their goal of signing a huge contract and making the NFL. Even if they do not play well in the league they can still fall back on getting shit loads of pussy as an good looking NFL quarterback. On the other hand, an ugly rookie QB has a lot of pressure to succeed in whatever league he is in because if he fucks up he does not have the puss to fall back on. Hence Sanchez's poise in the pocket.

Dirty Sanchez - When a man and a woman engage in anal sex, then the man takes his penis and rubs it on the girls upper lip leaving a moustache.

Fantasy Football Defense

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There is one fundamental flaw with fantasy football: the scoring system of team defenses. Team defenses get points deducted if their offence turns the ball over and the other team scores on the turnover. So let me ask you this: should I pick a defense based on the tackling skill of Eli Manning? Because that's how it is fucking scored. Right now your probably saying, man Chris got fucked this week because of this scoring system. Actually I didn't, and my fantasy team is as legit as a hungover blow job in the morning. I am only bringing this up now so that when it does happen, I will be able to whine about it. It's like the CEO of a company claiming the sale of his shares months before he actually sells them. And speaking of fantasy football, how many cc's of horse hormones is Adrian Peterson taking. This guy runs like a weird European through the A&P (does that even make sense?). I guarantee that at some point this season AP gets a 3 game suspension for shooting the juice. It is as inevitable as Dom DeLuise's death, oh wait...right. Man that guy had the biggest head I have ever seen. Does spackle bucket mean anything to you?

RIP DOM DELUISE
(1933-2009)

D.C.O. Son

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:33:00 +0000

I do not understand how T.L.C. ever took off as an acronym. Tender Love and Care, really? I want to start a my own mundane acronym. How about D.C.O.: Dry Clean Only. It's like: "Dude, don't throw that shirt in the washer....shit's DCO."

Is the Lucky Strike Bowling Model for Real?

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:55:00 +0000

"Causing fender benders on the Henry Hudson since '08"

Mental Toughness Factor

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 01:01:00 +0000

(Click Image to Enlarge MTF Chart)

As the Yankees casually steamroll into the playoffs with home field advantage throughout, I begin to ponder the MLB playoff structure. What's up with the first round five game series? Baseball is a game of averages which is played over a 162 game season. Why all the sudden is a quality ball club going to be judged on a microscopic cross section of their talent? I understand that they can't have eleven game playoff series' for obvious reasons, but at least give em a fair shake in a seven game set.

As a child, nothing shocked me more than when I found out the absurdly high correlation between home field advantage and winning percentage. Up until then I thought professional athletes were literally divine, or super-human. Then I all of the sudden am told that playing in a foreign city impacts players performance. It still blows me away when I think about it today. I mean do pros as a whole have poor mental thoroughness? To figure this out I came up with a new baseball statistic called the MTF or Mental Toughness Factor (seen above). To find this factor all you do is subtract a team's home field winning % from their road winning %. This higher this number is, the lower their mental toughness. Hypothetically, teams MTF should be zero, meaning that they are unaffected by road crowds. However, the average MTF in the MLB is 10%! That means that on average, teams in the MLB lose 10% more road games than home games. Fucking unbelievable. Red Sox MTF is 23...figures they would have poor mental toughness up their with all their Milla Lites and Natty Iiiices. (watch video)

Kanye and his Little..eh ah eh..ego

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 13:45:00 +0000

Jesus Kanye....Jesus. I don't know if this was even a race thing. I think it's just him and his ego, eh ah eh...him and his eeegggooo..eh ah eh...he's got a little...eh ah eh, ego. What's with the Taylor Swift attack? She is an innocent, sexy chick and was the biggest selling artist of 2008 in America with combined sales of more than four million albums. Plus MTV caters to teenage girls an in-the-closet teenage guys, hence the success of the Jonas Brothers. Personally I think that Miley Sirus should have won the award because she pumps out the hits month after month. When I heard "Party in the USA", I was like there goes Miley, right back at it again. I wish that Miley had won this award, and when Kanye took the mic from her turned into Hannah Montana and dance-served him. But I also wish I had a wheelbarrow of fifties, and we can't have everything. Speaking of fifties, how fucking great are they? They are the "new twenty". They have enough buying power to get you blown, but when you whip one out you don't feel like someone is going to plot to rob you as like if you were rolling with hundos. They also don't come out of ATM machines too often, but when they do; ohhhh but when they do.

A "Shot" at Love

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:18:00 +0000

Rule #1A -- When you are on a TV show where you bait horny male/female suitors by wearing slutty clothes and telling tales of bisexuality ~AND~ you date someone who earned his nickname "Lights Out" at Frederick Douglass High School, where he knocked out 4 people in the first half of one game; you can bet your Asian knockers that you are going to get tossed around a little bit. It reminds me of the girls who go jogging in central park at 3am and then get raped. Fuck did you think was going to happen?! Tila, sweety; escorts don't cry foul after they get paid. Take your MTV money and hire a bodyguard, because your rape card is about as potent as the instruction card in a Bicycle playing card deck.

Polf

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:04:47 +0000

Polf Online Course Downloads Coming Soon!

The Naked "Truth"

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 19:12:00 +0000

Rolling Stone -- As you may have noticed Lady Gaga seems to not own a single pair of pants. Lady Gaga recently explained to “Rolling Stone” the reason why, "My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says, ‘I can see you, because you have no pants on.’ So I'll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me."

Unnecessary lie Lady Gaga. Everyone likes the slutty outfits you wear and no one was questioning them because of your extremely bazaar nature. Why would you publicly open up a can of tuna and say that there is some cow shit reason why you don't wear pants. Sexy sells, lies don't. I guess you were in a fight with your blind grandmother the night you performed in all black latex than?

Submit Your Post Ideas

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 03:28:06 +0000

Fill out the form below to submit a post idea you have. I will give you credit if I use your idea. I receive these immediately to my site email.

[contact-form 1 "New Post Ideas"]

Megan Fox Tits

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:07:51 +0000

Florida State Girls

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:08:26 +0000

Megan Fox Tits

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:09:15 +0000

ChrisGaldi.com Gets a Boob Job... Welcome to Beta

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:11:45 +0000

New Features:

~You are not obligated to type information when you comment, just type a name if you would like and watch your post appear in the sidebar ~Click on a Picture of virtually any girl within a post to bring up her gallery ~Shows the three latest comments posted on the right Sidebar ~iPhone/Blackberry Compatable ~Better Design ~Ability to Add Pages ~Search for Terms (On Right Side bar try searching 'Gholston')

New: Submit Post Ideas Forum

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:33:03 +0000

Disclaimer

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:45:33 +0000

ChrisGaldi.com contains published rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information. Information on this site may or may not be true and not meant to be taken as fact. ChrisGaldi.com makes no warranty as to the validity of any claims. Furthermore the views, opinions and comments expressed by people in the comment section as well as the message board do not reflect the views and opinions of the staff of ChrisGaldi.com. They don’t speak for us and we are not responsible for their comments.

Trademarks

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:51:48 +0000

™

Privacy Statement

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:54:51 +0000

Privacy Statement

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:56:22 +0000

Privacy....wait...statement....package...hold on...where am I?

Sexy Girls Watching TV

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:24:42 +0000

Sexy Girls Watching TV

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:25:34 +0000

BlinDTV

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:26:13 +0000

Why are girls literally blind to the effects of HDTV. I constantly walk into rooms only to find a woman watching shows on a 90" plasma but NOT on the HD channel. My obvious reaction to this is, "Oh boy is she going to want to screw me when I show her this magic trick I can do with the picture clarity". Then when I finally turn on the HD version of whatever garbage she was watching, I get a look of bewilderment like I just poo'd in her PB&J. They don't see the difference. Sometimes I literally sit by myself while watching football games and hit the jump button between the HD and non HD versions of the game just for the taste of it. For Christ sake I want to lick the screen sometimes that's how clear it could get.

Chris Galdi in the Army

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:46:41 +0000

Chris Galdi in the Army

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:47:18 +0000

Is that Chris Galdi in the Army...WTF?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:55:06 +0000

[poll id="2"]

Neyo Without a Hat

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:00:51 +0000

Neyo Without a Hat

Neyo Ugly Hat

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:02:39 +0000

Neyo Ugly Hat

Neyo Without a Hat

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:33:49 +0000

Neyo Without a Hat

Neyo's Hats.

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:38:04 +0000

Can we talk about Neo's hats, because it seems to me like no body else does. How does he get away with this scam. The hat would not be a problem if it was just a baseball cap; but the guy has literally been in masquerade for his entire career and no body asks questions. It would be like if no body ever wanted to see batman's face. Everybody wants to see batman's face. I would get excited when someone was going to rip batman's mask off, and I already had seen batman's face. For Christ sake when I wear jeans in the summer I catch grief from nine different angles because I "should be wearing shorts". Meanwhile you have celebrities like Neyo wearing a hat and he catches zero grief regarding the fact that he should be "wearing a face". There can only be (3) possible reasons why Neyo would wear his hat on his face:

1) "The Neyo Forehead" is Bald 2) "The Neyo Forehead" is mangled like a NY Mets Season 3) Neyo is an ugly guy

4. All the Above

Sorry about all the Neyo pictures, they were necessary to prove my point.

Facts Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:09:00 +0000

Facts Reginald VelJohnson

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:12:55 +0000

"The beak of the red-headed woodpecker hits the bark of a tree with an impact velocity of 13 mph. This motion subjects the brain to a deceleration of 10 G when the head snaps back creating the highest recorded G-Force on Earth." Ummmm. Thanks I guess...

Contact Us

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:25:21 +0000

Please fill in the fields below to contact our staff. If you are going to say something angry then please just call Chris Galdi's cell at (201) 424-9231 and tell him:

[contact-form 3 "Contact Us"]

Noureen DeWulf

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:27:24 +0000

[nggallery id=2]

Girls

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:30:35 +0000

Noureen DeWulf

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:45:30 +0000

Noureen DeWulf

Noureen DuWho?

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:57:28 +0000

Supposedly she was in Ocean's 13 and an episode of Curb; I dunno, she must have started working out or something since then. Speaking of Curb, I heard Season 7 is starting October 11, 2009.

View More Pictures of Noureen DeWulf on ChrisGaldi.com

Megan Fox

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:15:57 +0000

[nggallery id=3]

Washington Redskins Cheerleader

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:38:47 +0000

Washington Redskins Cheerleader

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:39:30 +0000

Washington Redskins Cheerleader

Redskins Cheerleaders

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:48:46 +0000

[nggallery id=4]

Beta Tip

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:51:04 +0000

BETA ChrisGaldi.com Tip: CLICK ON VIRTUALLY ANY PICTURE OF A GIRL IN A POST TO BRING UP HER GALLERY

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:56:18 +0000

The Washington "Fill-in-the-Blanks"

Chris Galdi — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:58:34 +0000

WASHINGTON — A group of American Indians who find the Washington Redskins' name offensive wants the Supreme Court to take up the matter. They've been handed a series of defeats from judges who ruled that the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their suit in the first place. Is the Washington Redskin's name insulting to Native Americans? Of course it is, the "red-skin" was the power head-scalping move they used during the fight for America which they lost. If The Rock beat Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Royal Rumble, and then renamed his child "The Stone Cold Stunner"; you better bet your high-tops that Stone Cold's bloodline would be pissed. And what's up with a judge claiming that the Indians waited too long to bring their suit up in the first place? Since when do our high courts legally assume that Indians watch the NFL? Maybe on Sundays the chief has been preoccupied with Indian shit or whatever they do and never even realized the team existed. If the Indians had a ritual gang called the "Supreme Court Cock Cutters", I bet the court wouldn't know it exsisted because they don't keep up-to-date on Indian shit; or they would know it existed, but when it was too late.

CURRENT SCORE: 7,000 America - 0 Indians

Washington Redskins Cheerleader Gallery

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:22:40 +0000

Jobas Girlfriend

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:03:00 +0000

[nggallery id=5]

Click to see Joba's Girlfriend's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:24:04 +0000

Joba Chamberlain's Girlfriend

Matsui Draws Picture of Wife

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:25:47 +0000

New York Yankees' Hideki Matsui shows a sketch of his new wife during a press conference at a hotel in Tampa, Florida, Thursday, March 27, 2008. (AP Photo/Kyodo News) ** JAPAN OUT, NO SALES, MANDATORY CREDIT FOR COMMERCIAL USE IN NORTH AMERICA **

1st Ever Yankee Stadium Brawl Raises Morale in the Bronx

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:30:26 +0000

Click to See the Video and More Pictures of the Brawl on ChrisGaldi.com

I haven't seen the Yankees fight this well since they won the World Series in '96. The most important news of the fight is that Yankees manager Joe Girardi was caught in the middle of the brawl and emerged with cut and a bruise on his head. I think there are only two reason as to why Joe would find himself in the eye of the Posada brawl: 1) Catchers stick together like fat bitches to car leather. 2) He was rushing in to pull Joba out after three hay-makers because he didn't want Joba to punch through a complete fight.

Speaking of Joba, there is hot debate over who has a better looking girlfriend, Joba Chamberlain or Hideki Matsui? First let me provide a little background of Matsui's girlfriend: Derek Jeter, Bobby Abreu and Hideki Matsui made a friendly wager during spring training about who would be the first person to get married. Matsui won and sketched her picture as proof because she wasn't there in person (see below)

Joba's (Click Girls' Pictures on ChrisGaldi.com to see their Gallery)

Matsui's

Content

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:58:53 +0000

Click to see More Pictures of the 9/15/09 Brawl

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:02:29 +0000

Posada Carlson Brawl

Yankees Brawl

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:04:11 +0000

[nggallery id=6]

Yankees Posada Carlson Brawl

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:07:03 +0000

Yankees Posada Carlson Brawl

Carlson Bruise Welt

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:08:39 +0000

Carlson Bruise Welt from Posada Fight

The Cheesecake Factory Exterior

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:05:48 +0000

The Cheesecake Factory Exterior

The Cheesecake Factory Menu

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:06:23 +0000

When I think of a cheesecake factory, I envision little slices of cheesecake being shuttled around a room on conveyor belts. By no means do I picture waiting fifteen minutes to finally be handed a menu comparable in material content to War and Peace. They have all sorts of hot garbage in that menu including: advertisements, Japanese food, Mexican shit, Italian; I mean I thought we agreed we were getting involved in some fucking cheesecakes here. When I walk into Peter Luger's Steakhouse do they present me with chicken teriyaki and lasagna options? No, they ask me how many people are looking to pound steak and I tell them. Come to think of it, do they even serve cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory? They probably do, but I bet you have to download the menu into Microsoft Excel before you come. I Challenge You: Find Cheesecake on this Menu

Asian Nurses

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:23:54 +0000

[nggallery id=7]

Click to See Asian Nurse Gallery

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:24:58 +0000

Emergency Ethics

Chris Galdi — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:44:37 +0000

(Click any Girl on ChrisGaldi.com bETA for her Gallery)

Why are people slamming their brakes when an emergency vehicle is heading toward them in the ONCOMING lane? I'm not talking about if you are in an intersection or something similar. I'm talking about when an ambulance is sounding the sirens in the ONCOMING lane and drivers slam on their brakes to pull over. Do people not realize that the ambulance will drive right past them like every other car in the history of two-lane roads regardless of what they do? I'll tell you what this is, it's a case of people deploying emergency ethics. People think it will be socially acceptable and universally ethical to throw their shitty car on the shoulder. These people figure "I don't ever help others out, so I might as well attempt a slap-stick shot at karma by pulling my car over and helping this dying mother fucker out". These characters conjure crack-bat attempts at karma. (Was that a tongue-twister?) No, a tongue twister would be exactly what it read on the package I just received in the mail: Puma Patterned Bermuda Shorts. Who's lookin' to play golf?

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:30:40 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:31:50 +0000

"The lightest chair in the World weighs 1.36 lbs and was designed by Massimiliano Della Monaca (Italy)." I have to say Reginald, I think I own a milk crate that weighs less. [caption id="attachment_422" align="aligncenter" width="210" caption="Milk Crate"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_424" align="aligncenter" width="180" caption="Worlds' Lightest Chair"][/caption]

Worlds' Lightest Chair

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:33:33 +0000

Worlds' Lightest Chair

Milk Crate

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:34:42 +0000

Milk Crate

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:37:02 +0000

Milk Crate

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:38:55 +0000

Milk Crate

Worlds' Lightest Chair

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:39:33 +0000

Worlds' Lightest Chair

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:40:11 +0000

Worlds' Lightest Chair

Penguins

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:49:23 +0000

Penguins

Insert Key on Keyboard

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:27:45 +0000

Insert Key on Keyboard

The "Insert Destruction" & "Print Nothing" Keys

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:40:40 +0000

[caption id="attachment_432" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi"][/caption]

That's all we are accomplishing here right? An insertion of destruction? Am I missing its other function? It is the only key on the right side of the keyboard that consistently works properly. I think that the insert key abides by the US Postal Services' slogan: "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these courageous couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds". Let's say that you did "intend" on properly using the insert key. Do you have any idea how much planning that would take. You would have to sit down and count the fucking characters you want to delete and match them with the words you are planning on replacing.

Now adjacent to the insert key you have it's "bizarro world" counterpart: the "print screen" key. Is this fucking thing even connected to the computer? I would actually like to use this guy, but I feel like passersbys would laugh at me if they saw me hitting it. I would look like a child trying to stick a wooden block into the oval space. Go ahead, hit the "print nothing" key, see what happens.

Dee: Always Sunny in Philidelphia

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:02:05 +0000

[nggallery id=8] Click the Home Button in the Navigation Bar or Here to return to Home Page

Click to see Dee's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:04:05 +0000

Dee from Always Sunny in Philidephia

Click to see Dee's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:05:59 +0000

Dee from Always Sunny in Philidephia

Go Home Toronto

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:43:46 +0000

Disgruntled Penguin

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:44:27 +0000

Attn Blue Jays: "Go Back to Canada"

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:51:16 +0000

Blue lose the fight last night, and now the game in walk off fashion tonight. Get the Fuck Out of the Bronx before someone gets hurt....hah, oh yeah.

Carlson Bruise

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:53:57 +0000

Carlson Bruise

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 02:54:39 +0000

Dee from Always Sunny

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 13:00:46 +0000

Always Sunny in Philadelphia season 5 starts tonight at 10pm on FX. In lieu of the premier I would like to ask the question I thought I would never ask, "Is Dee hot, or does her character's personality make her hot?" There it is, you judge for yourself... (Click on Picture of Dee to see her Gallery)

Floyd Fairweather Getting Punched

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:20:00 +0000

Floyd Mayweather Getting Punched

Floyd Fairweather

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:20:41 +0000

I wouldn't change my life for nothing in the world. There's nothing like being young, black and rich. But there are certain things you think about. If Floyd Mayweather was white, I'd be the biggest athlete in America. The biggest, the biggest. I know that for a fact. ~Floyd Mayweather

Other Facts: -Mike Tyson -Muhammad Ali -If you really want to get recognition, quit boxing and join the UFC. Boxing is a dying sport. -How can you be the "biggest" athlete in America when you weigh 145 lbs? -If you were white you WOULD be a bigger athlete in America because you would spend less time complaining about injustices and more time properly marketing yourself

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:30:47 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Bag of Chips with a Matte Finish

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:32:56 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:33:43 +0000

"Bags of chips that have a matte finish look much more appetizing on the shelves than bags of chips with a shinny finish." [caption id="attachment_479" align="aligncenter" width="150" caption="Matte Finish"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_482" align="aligncenter" width="150" caption="Shiny Finish"][/caption]

Shiny Finish

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:34:55 +0000

Crown Victoria Cop Car

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:47:58 +0000

Crown Victoria Cop Car

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:48:51 +0000

Crown Victoria Cop Car

Chevrolet Impala Cop Car

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:51:33 +0000

Chevrolet Impala Cop Car

Chevy Tahoe Cop Car

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:54:15 +0000

Chevy Tahoe Cop Car

Dodge Magnum Cop Car

Chris Galdi — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:59:34 +0000

Dodge Magnum Cop Car

Ford Mustang Shelby GT500 Cop Car

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:07:25 +0000

Ford Mustang Shelby GT500 Cop Car

Dodge Charger Cop Car

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:10:05 +0000

Dodge Charger Cop Car

Wyckoff Police Car

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:38:03 +0000

Wyckoff Police Car

Cop Cahhs..(Boston Accent Not Optional)

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:39:27 +0000

[caption id="attachment_505" align="aligncenter" width="458" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi"][/caption] Akon said it best, "I get it in 'till the sun rise, Doin' 90 in a 65; windows rolled, down screamin' Ah! Hey, ey, ey, I'm so paid". Well if you do 90 in a 65 your eventually going to see the lights of a Crown Victoria pull up behind you. And you will easily be caught and pulled over going only 90 mph. But as cops get smarter (oxymoron), they are beginning to use our fines to pay for unnecessarily fast vehicles. You can now find cops in Dodge Chargers, Dodge Magnums and even Shelby GT500's. If you ever had a fascination with one of these cars I can bet you won't after seeing it wearing the opposing team's colors. It's like sitting back and hearing your favorite song get played-out in a dumb TV commercial. I just don't understand why they are wasting money on speedsters when the most effective cop car would be the '98 Honda Civic. Cops don't lose traffic offenders due to a lack of horsepower in speed chases. They are missing traffic offenders because we see cops, before they see us. If you see that '98 Civic (pictured above) roll up behind you while contemplating a right on red, YOU KNOW, your still knowing right on that red.

Tips for Identifying Unmarked Police Cars: Light Bars Mounted in the Rear Window, Municipal License Plates, Painted Black Wheels; and the Easiest Way to Spot an Unmarked Cop Car...The Giant Black Spot Light on the Driver Side Rear View Mirror.

'Read the Rest of this Entry Below' to see All Cars Used by the Cops-->

Ford Mustang Shelby GT500: Shelby's supercharged 5.4-liter V-8 puts out 450 horsepower and will easily exceed 150 mph. Ahh. At least it's easy to spot.

Dodge Charger: Charger can hit a staggering 146 mph. This makes the Dodge the fastest mainstream police car available.

Dodge Magnum: 0-60 in Six Seconds; but Max Speed of 131 mph.

Ford Crown Victoria Interceptor: Max Speed 128 mph

Chevrolet Impala: Under the radar since it is one of the best selling cars in the US. Max Speed 140 mph.

Chevrolet Tahoe: Look for the black wheels with tiny center hubcaps as a tip-off should you see one unmarked or without a light bar. Max Speed 133 mph.

Wyckoff Police Car

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:40:32 +0000

Wyckoff Police Car

Asian Cops

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 05:01:49 +0000

[nggallery id=9]

asiancop4

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 05:02:37 +0000

Click to See Asian Cop Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 05:02:58 +0000

Asian Cop Gallery

Dr. Elliot Reid | Scrubs & How I Met Your Mother

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:01:30 +0000

[nggallery id=10]

Click to see Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:06:47 +0000

Sarah Chalke

sarah16

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:09:21 +0000

Click to See Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:09:50 +0000

Sarah Chalke

Click to See Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:11:25 +0000

Sarah Chalke

Click to See Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:12:54 +0000

Sarah Chalke

Click to See Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:14:25 +0000

Sarah Chalke

Click to See Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:15:41 +0000

Sarah Chalke

Dr. Elliot Reid | Scrubs & How I Met Your Mother

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:16:28 +0000

America spends too much time worrying about where The Angelina Jole's and Anne Hathaway's are; and not nearly enough time talking to Sarah Chalke from Scrubs. All I'm saying is that if I was her agent, she wouldn't still be doing TV.

(Click ANY Picture to See Sarah Chalke's Full Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com)

Click to See Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:18:21 +0000

Sarah Chalke

Click to See Sarah Chalke's Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:22:04 +0000

Sarah Chalke

Kerry Rhodes

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:32:25 +0000

Kerry Rhodes

Jets Flight Crew

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:14:26 +0000

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Jets Flight Crew

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:15:12 +0000

New York Jets Cheerleaders

Click to See Jets Flight Crew Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:16:53 +0000

Jets Flight Crew

Jets' Rhode Record

Chris Galdi — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 19:17:44 +0000

You go out from the first quarter on, from the first play on, and try to embarrass them. Not just go out there and try to win, try to embarrass them. Try to make them feel bad when they leave here. We don't want to just beat them. We want to send a message to them, 'We're not backing down from you and we expect to win this game, and it's not going to be luck, it's not going to be a mistake'. ~Kerry Rhodes on This Sunday's Home Game VS The Patriots

Dear Kerry Rhodes, I like the enthusiasm a lot...but Kerry...buddy...it's only week (2); and have you checked out the logo on your jersey recently? Yes Sanchez is a fresh look, and the D is looking like a fence, but you still play on the Jets. You say that this win won't be a mistake. Just please; as a life-long Jets fan; please; don't make your comment the real mistake. I can't take any more abuse from Chowderville regarding petty New York sports blunders. All they have to live for up in Boston is sports, and if the Pats embarrass the Jets on Sunday it's going to be like Hanukkah in Hell for them. **I still don't understand why the Jets aren't called the New Jersey Jets (Jersey Jets). If they changed their name, AND the Mets moved into the Meadowlands, you would have the trifecta of non-clutch sports teams: The Jersey Jets, The Jersey Mets and The Jersey Nets. We could even rename the horsetrack in the Meadowlands: New Jersey Bets.

(Click to See All Pictures of the Jets Flight Crew on ChrisGaldi.com)

New York Post Cover

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:41:23 +0000

Arvin Rivera in black was the fifth man accused of raping Danmell Ndonye at Hofstra University in Uniondale, NY. Arvin was exonerated when a video proving that Ndonye had lied, turned up. Stalin Felipe in tan, was arrested and jailed then later released.

Danmell Ndonye Hofstra Rape Accuser Picture

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:10:26 +0000

Danmell Ndonye Hofstra Rape Accuser Picture

'Post' Rape Photoshoot

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:16:20 +0000

What would YOUR rape acquittal pose be?
NY Post - Arvin Rivera in black was the fifth man accused of raping Danmell Ndonye at Hofstra University in Uniondale, NY. All five men were exonerated when he produced a video proving that Ndonye had lied.

Wait...so this entire time the dude pictured in black had video footage of the entire "consensual gang bang" on his phone? And it took him 22 hours to show it to the cops?! That's like holding the winning mega millions lottery ticket and not telling anyone or claiming your prize for a day or two. Shit like this is not something you just 'get around to' doing. Now that we know the chick is a lying whore (pronounced: who-er), can we take a minute to concentrate on the Rape Acquittal Photoshoot held by the NY Post in the park. I'm assuming someone from the Post called either Arvin or Felipe and said something like this: NY Post Reporter: "So....uhh...yeah. We heard about how the whole rape thing panned out. Good for you guys, good for you guys. So we were thinking you two could throw on something nice, and we'll meet in the central park at around noon? K? Sounds Good? Allllll right, see you there. And really, again, good for you guys." What's worse?: Trying to commit suicide and not succeeding ~OR~ Dropping the rape lie and getting caught? I categorize these 2 things together because they are both big commitments that you can't fuck up. I think that the rape accuser (pictured below) should now have to serve a full rape sentence of her own (30 years) for the failed lie attempt.

[caption id="attachment_582" align="aligncenter" width="184" caption="Danmell Ndonye Hofstra Rape Lier"][/caption]

(I had to myspace friend her to get that picture, therefore ChrisGaldi.com is the only website with her pic)

NY 'Post' Rape Photoshoot

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:27:11 +0000

Post Rape Photoshoot

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:57:08 +0000

Post Rape Photoshoot

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:57:54 +0000

Danmell Ndonye Hofstra Rape Accuser

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:05:06 +0000

Danmell Ndonye Hofstra Rape Accuser Lier

Richard Kiel

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:31:16 +0000

Richard Kiel Jaws

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:31:52 +0000

Richard Kiel Jaws

Happy Look Out..."Ahh';'';']][!"

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:42:12 +0000

"What the fuck just came out of her mouth?" (Click Here to see Virginia's Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com)

While searching the world wide web for the "Happy Look Out Ahhh" video; I found some time to catch up with our dear friend Richard Kiel; who happens to NOT be dead:

Richard Kiel, or Mr. Larson, stands 7'-2" tall. In 1992, he was in a serious automobile accident disabling him. In the movie Happy Gilmore he is never seen walking and almost all of his scenes are from the waist up. There are only two full body scenes and both times he is leaning on something. The first is a post, the second is a man. He is best known for playing Jaws, a giant and seemingly unstoppable assassin with steel teeth who battled James Bond in The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) and Moonraker (1979). He was the original choice to play the title character in the television series "The Incredible Hulk" (1978) before Lou Ferrigno. After 2 days of filming, it was decided that he was not "bulky" enough for the role. And again, as previously stated, he is not dead.

Virginia: Julie Bowen

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:50:23 +0000

[nggallery id=12]

NJ Transit Ticket

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 23:04:02 +0000

NJ Transit Ticket with a Cock punched into it

NJ Transit Ticket with a Cock Hole Punched into it

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 23:05:36 +0000

NJ Transit Ticket with a Cock Hole Punched into it

Running the Train

Chris Galdi — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 23:12:34 +0000

[caption id="attachment_610" align="aligncenter" width="198" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi"][/caption] Imagine this: You hand your train ticket to the 'hole-punch guy'. After an unchecked and erratic hole punching session you realize that he took your ticket and passionately hole punched a giant cock into it. Are you pissed?

NJtransittick

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:29:39 +0000

NJ Transit Ticket with a Cock Hole-Punched into it

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:30:48 +0000

NJ Transit Ticket with a Cock Hole-Punched into it

Tony Weeks VS Floyd Mayweather Sr

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:13:05 +0000

Tony Weeks VS Floyd Mayweather Sr

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:15:05 +0000

Tony Weeks VS Floyd Mayweather Sr

Hair

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:39:20 +0000

Hair

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:40:16 +0000

Max Kellerman Embarassed

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:43:40 +0000

Max Kellerman Being Told by Mayweather that "He Talks Too Much"

120-107 Mayweather

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:44:58 +0000

In the pay per view showing of Floyd Mayweather dominating Marquez last night; I noticed a bit of tension developing between ring judge Tony Weeks and Floyd Mayweather Senior. In between the 3rd and 4th rounds it is rumored that Tony Weeks turned toward Floyd Senior and started peppering jabs into the air while pointing at the line buzzed into the side of his head. Floyd Senior's lips appear to say back to Weeks, "Your stuck in the '80's Weeks, kidney shots aint illegal on the streets." All seriousness aside, Mayweather backed up all his shit talking last night, having one judge award him ever single round (120 points). The highlight of the night was as Shane Mosley challenged Mayweather, bitch reporter Max Kellerman was told that he "talks too much" by Floyd. As Mosley was taunting Floyd, Max is annoyingly chirping "Stay focused Floyd, stay focused", as if he didn't just box 12 perfect rounds. This is exactly why I hate white people so much (Black Power Floyd). This brings me to my next match up....Max Kellerman VS Triple H. [caption id="attachment_631" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Max Kellerman Being Told by Mayweather that "He Talks Too Much""][/caption] (Click to See Tony Weeks' Gallery)

Tony Weeks

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:00:55 +0000

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Jets Dominate Patriots

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:24:37 +0000

Jets Dominate Patriots

The Green Men 'Mark' the Win

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:26:45 +0000

Not since 2006 have the Patriots not scored a TD in a game. Not since 2004 have the Jets started 2-0. And not since 2001 have the Jets beat New England at home. But now it's 2009 and and the green men are kicking balls and shaking heads. So as Belichik keeps taking it "one-week-at-a-time" and acting smug in new conferences; Rhodes is going to keep talking shit and backing it up. Deal with it.

(Click to Image to see Jets' Cheerleader Gallery)

Click to See Jets' Cheerleader Gallery

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:29:14 +0000

Jets Dominate Patriots

Click to see Jets' Cheerleader Gallery

Chris Galdi — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:30:32 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:01:06 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Faith Hill

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:38:25 +0000

[nggallery id=14]

Sunday Night Football Logo

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:39:43 +0000

Sunday Night Football Logo

Faith Hill Sunday Night Football

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:40:51 +0000

Faith Hill Sunday Night Football

Faith Hill on Sunday Night Football

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:43:56 +0000

Faith Hill on Sunday Night Football

Faith Hill Takes Over Pink on SNF

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:44:36 +0000

Faith Hill Takes Over Pink on SNF

Click to See Faith Hill's Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:49:53 +0000

Faith Hill on Monday Night Football

Have Faith. SNF shouldn't be Pink.

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:52:36 +0000

[caption id="attachment_666" align="aligncenter" width="210" caption="Faith Hill Takes Over Pink on SNF"][/caption]

I know country stars about as well as Flava Flav knows past US Presidents. But if there is one thing I know about country singers it is this: They have a deep bullpen of smoking hot singers that I have never seen and probably never will. So when one of them is shoved in your face you have to take a moment to take her in... (Click to See the Rest of Faith Hill's Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com)

Maximum Speed Limit

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:44:26 +0000

Maximum Speed Limit

Asian Cop

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:02:53 +0000

Danny Bonaduce

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:34:31 +0000

In this photo released by Hard Rock Cafe, Danny Bonaduce, left, and Miss USA 2006 Tara Conner pose for photos on the red carpet at the Hard Rock Cafe Hollywood before an event celebrating the 2007 Miss USA contestants, Monday, March 12, 2007, in the Universal City section of Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Hard Rock Cafe, Rene Macura) ** NO SALES **

Tara Conner

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:57:28 +0000

[nggallery id=15]

Pushing the Limit

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:15:13 +0000

Why is there so much ambiguity when it comes to how fast we should drive? People have grown too accustomed to traveling a bit faster than the posted speed limit. As a result of this, actually traveling the posted speed is a 'quick' way to piss off drivers behind you. So instead of it being necessary and acceptable to go 10 mph over the limit, why don't we just increase the speed limits by 10 mph and make their number an actual hard limit? For example, instead of posting 35 mph road signs, replace road signs on that same road with ones that read 45 mph; and if you are going 46 mph you will get a ticket. Sometimes I think that our current system is designed to provoke people to literally and figuratively 'push the limit' in order to draw in violation related state revenue. Doesn't it seem peculiar that no other motor vehicle code has a similar grey area? Imagine that if instead of getting a DUI when you have a BAC of .10, it was generally know that cops wouldn't give you a DUI unless it was somewhere between {.15 and .20}. That unclear range would have people plopping in the driver seat after partying like Danny Bonaduce. [caption id="attachment_685" align="aligncenter" width="280" caption="Pictured Above: Danny Bonaduce with Miss USA 2006 Tara Conner"][/caption] (And Now I Finally have a Random Excuse to unveil Tara Conner's Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com)

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:15:05 +0000

Scientifically Proven Human Limits: Lack of Oxygen = Die in 11 minutes Dehydration = Die in 7 Days Starvation = Die in 45 Days Diving = Blackout 80 feet Underwater Blood Loss = At 40% Blood Loss You Die Hot Air = Die in 10 minutes @ 300°F Body Heat = Heatstroke Irreversible @ 107.6°F Push Ups = (6) six and dead Bench Press = 7 reps @ 165 lbs then die Wooah Carl. Are we sure that all of those are scientific facts? Maybe we added a few from experience?

He's got that Boom, Boom, Pow. No Bitches Checkin His Style.

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:51:46 +0000

Is this guy crushing the Inspector Gadget theme song or is this guy Crushing the Inspector Gadget theme song? I cannot understand how people are walking past this musical wizardry and not even giving the guy a turn. If not for the camera guy this performance would have vanished in the winds of time. I am assuming that no body is giving him the time of day because of his sloppy appearance. I guess it's the same shit guys do to really nice fat chicks...they don't give them a chance because they're fucking ugly.

*There is a chance that this guy drank the entire instrument before he played, and he is like Peter Griffin in that episode where his wife asked him to play the piano drunk. I wish I could tell people I drank an instrument.

Kanye West Quote

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:12:14 +0000

K_nye We_t is a No Show @ Emmy'_

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:14:29 +0000

How bad did Kanye want to grab the mic away from Tina Fey last night at the Emmy Awards and say this:

“Yo Tina, I’m really happy for you, imma let you finish but The House of Paynes had one of the best videos of all time.” (Some boos and applauds) “One of the best videos of all time." (shrugs and hands back microphone)

*It's funny how Kanye told Taylor that he is going to let her finish; as opposed to the alternate of saying what he had to say and then launching the mic across the room like Uncle Rico.

Verizon Check

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:31:31 +0000

Verizon Check

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:31:59 +0000

Ice

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:32:43 +0000

Find X

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:33:56 +0000

Woman

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:34:35 +0000

JamesBond

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:35:08 +0000

Elephant

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:35:30 +0000

God

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:36:08 +0000

Real Answers to Life's Questions

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:36:32 +0000

Girl on the Toilet

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:11:14 +0000

"The Toilet Paper"

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:16:33 +0000

Johnny suddenly realizes that he has sat to shat without bringing a newspaper into the shitter!!! Like a blind child who dropped his glasses, Johnny strenuously reaches through the shower curtain feeling for a shampoo bottle to read. Suddenly he whips out his smartphone and remembers that ChrisGaldi.com bETA is formatted for his Blackberry or iPhone device. He just types chrisgaldi.com into the browser of his cell phone as he normally would, and checks out the perfectly reformatted version. Now Johnny doesn't have to read about the history of Pert Plus while perting out an 'A' plus poo. He can just type in chrisgaldi.com, and you can do it too!

More Pictures of Girls Posing on the Toilet: [nggallery id=16]

Girls Posing on the Toilet

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:40:17 +0000

[nggallery id=16]

phonecg

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:49:24 +0000

web 007

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:08:14 +0000

Subway "Winner"

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:11:42 +0000

Subway "Winner"

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:12:22 +0000

'Mega' Scheme

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:34:40 +0000

It is said that if you throw a quarter off the Empire State Building, the momentum that it generates by the time it reaches the street will be capable of killing a grown man. If this is true, than how come I have never read about a quarter being some one's cause of death? Everything makes the news now-a-days; so how come some things do not? For instance, who the fuck is winning the Mega Millions lottery? I know that dude Jimmy Groves from the Bronx won $168M, but that's the only guy I've heard of winning in the past 90 years. It seems as though you only hear about the win when it is too big to disguize. Supposedly we are turning normal people into millionaires every Tuesday and Friday of every week, of every year, but I never seem to hear about any of them. Take these Subway promotions for example. Why are cartoons drawn of J. Lewis and D. Martinez? Why are their first names not shown? Do they even exist? Haha, laugh it up; but I'm fucking serious here. That convertible parked in front of your local church, you ever see that thing around town? Huh; do ya? Because if I won an oven toasty 100k at Subway I would throw a parade down Franklin Ave where I am helicoptering my dick in mashed potatoes and spraying the crowd with the fucking mashed potatoes. Why mashed potatoes? Why not when you got a shit load of money? I guess what I'm saying is that we just have to ask questions every now and then. Because we can all throw quarters off the Empire State Building, but if no one ever checks the street, we'll never know if any of us are making it rain bloody doom.

"Jesus I was Flipping Channels"

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 04:11:28 +0000

Listen as this guys co-anchor rips a loud fart (00:05 second mark) in the middle of his broadcast which sends him into a giggle fit. The fart sounded fake, but the reaction clearly was not. If laughter is contagious, than this guy is chuckling SARS.

*Note: There is gold at the 00:53 second mark and you get to see the fart ripper at the end. It's like seeing the Wizard of Oz.

Alexis Dziena | Entourage

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:09:21 +0000

[nggallery id=17]

entourage_logo

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:11:12 +0000

Click to see Alexis Dziena's Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:12:22 +0000

Alexis Dziena from Entourage

Click to see Alexis Dziena's Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:13:25 +0000

Alexis Dziena from HBO's Entourage

Sloan on Entourage

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:35:28 +0000

Sloan | Entourage

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:37:07 +0000

Sloan | Entourage

Sophie Monk | Entourage

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:37:41 +0000

Sophie Monk | Entourage

Dude, You Don't Understand...I Fucking LOVE that Girl

Chris Galdi — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 22:43:17 +0000

What happens when you mix Avril Lavigne and Dakota Fanning? Alexis Dziena, E's new girlfriend on Entourage; a girl who attracts some viewers, and turns-off others. She is cast to make a handful of guys claim their dying attraction to her. This is the classic group of guys who say that the smoking hot chicks are mediocre, and that the less attractive girls are irresistible. Dudes do this because it sets them apart from the rest of the viewing community. They figure that if they make a hypothetical claim to the least attractive girl, they will have a real life shot at getting her. They subconsciously feel that the following situation will play out:

He is out a bar with all the guys who heard him claim that the least attractive girl on the show is his favorite. All of the sudden that actress happens to wander into the same bar. Since he held off on the really hot ones and claimed her, all his friends will vouch for him and tell her that he has always liked her the best. She will fall in love with him because of this.

And I'm not saying that Alexis Dziena isn't sexy. What I'm saying is that she is playing in the big leagues...

(Click to See Alexis Dziena's Gallery on ChrisGaldi.com) (Click to See the Hottest Girls of Entourage on Maxim.com)

Facebook Like Button Humor

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:03:36 +0000

Facebook Like Button Humor

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:04:15 +0000

Facebook Like Button Humor

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:04:43 +0000

Facebook Like Button Humor

Enter Your Facebook User 'Name Plate'

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:09:26 +0000

[caption id="attachment_843" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi"][/caption]

STUPID CRIMINAL: A 19-year old Pennsylvania man was nabbed after forgetting to log out of his Facebook account at the scene of a robbery.

If that 19-year old criminal pulled that shit, how often do you think this kid gets caught leaving his porn windows open on his laptop at home? His mom must walk in daily to a laptop screen wall-papered in more porn than the Vivid.com editing hub. I appreciate how he had the calm and collective attitude to log into The Book. But you have to run that 'Delete Browser History' when your done; they teach you that shit in computer porn 101. And where is the urgency in checking the Facebook. I could see if he was checking his fantasy stats, but the Facebook could wait.

I recently read about how a kid stabbed another student in the face. How long before someone 'tweets' or 'status updates' a felony? And even a better question, who the fuck stabs someone in the face? How angry do you have to be to push a knife through someones face-skull. Imagine my status:

Wow, I almost forgot.....no homo.

Chris Galdi's Status

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:35:30 +0000

Chris Galdi's Facebook Status

122 People Like This

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:41:17 +0000

My Facebook Status

Facebook Murder Status

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:44:27 +0000

Facebook Murder Status

Bloody Facebook Murder Status

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:46:59 +0000

Bloody Facebook Murder Status

Bloody Facebook Status

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:52:41 +0000

Bloody Facebook Status

Facebook License Plate

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:02:18 +0000

Facebook License Plate

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:04:12 +0000

Facebook License Plate

Bruce Springsteen Turns 60

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 20:34:28 +0000

Bruce Springsteen Turns 60

Happy Birthday "The Boss"

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 20:43:02 +0000

Ladies and gentlemen, Sound the Trumpets...It's the Boss' birthday today and he is turning the big 6-0. And we all know what happens when the Boss hears trumpets; he sails his dog and dice into HD cameras (see video below). But despite the Boss' conditioned reaction to trumpets, I guess the question of the day would have to be "if I were the Boss...". If I had to finish that statement, I think I could only finish it in one way:

If I were the Boss I would treat myself to a warm cup of miso soup right before unleashing a barrage of summersaults in the streets of Freehold. At the end of the day there will be more blood on the street than when the Cobra Kai ran up on Daniel Son after the Halloween dance. But that's just me.

Sequence of Events:

1) The Boss Hears Trumpets

2) The Boss Gets Revved up Like a Gorilla Getting Raped

3) The Boss sails his Dog and Dice into a HD camera

I’ve never been to one of his concerts but I assume this is the cornerstone of his success.

But seriously, Happy Birthday to the voice of New Jersey.

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 20:54:03 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Police Radio

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:01:36 +0000

Walke Talke Radio Transmission

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:02:07 +0000

"I can't decide what the static/clicking noise of walk-e-talkies reminds me of more: Covert operations..or near by po-nine." "I think the police. Yeah definatly the police."

Coors Bouncer

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 00:58:20 +0000

"Instant" Internet Ticket Codes

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 01:07:55 +0000

[slideshow id=20]Digital Coors Light Bouncer (Pictured Above)

The internet brought about good things such as the 'Google image search' and the 'death clock'. But every yin has its yang. Ever since the internet took off, we have seen the frequency of instant games diminishing like Steve McNair's fan base. No, I'm not talking about instant scratch-off tickets. I'm talking about the little tags you find on a box of fries or a soda that instantly tell you whether or not you won a shit-load of money. These tags still exist today, however, now-a-days when you look at your tag it doesn't read "YOU WON A 2.6 oz COKE!". Instead you get hit with something that looks like this:

41D4-232D-GFRE-YREG-WERR (enter your code online at www.douchebagsite.com) What's dirtier than Joe Wilson's thoughts regarding the black presidency? Walking around with greasy intranet code tickets in your pocket. Who peels these little guys off, looks at them, and thinks, "I'm saving you for later". Alright, I'm not going to lie. I ripped one off of a Coors Light 30 pack just to see what would happen if I typed it in (yeah right Galdi, you were going for the win). Needless to say, later that night I found myself on the Coors website, sweating over my keyboard while hammering in what seemed like a missile launch sequence; all the while a flash version of John Elway is athletically hurling digital footballs at me. And you won't believe this shit: After I finally negotiated the tiny numbers into their designated input fields, I was still not told whether I won or not. To find out if I won I had to key-in my credit card information as well as the final destination of a three-year subscription to the John Denver Newsletter I apparently just ordered. All I'm saying is that if you ever wind up alone at night, entering in one of these codes, there is no need to find out if you are an instant winner. Just ask me, because I can tell you from experience that you are an instant loser.

"I could have told you that..." ~Uncle Rico

Asian from the Hangover

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 02:27:59 +0000

Ken Jeong | The Hangover

Swine Rhyme

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 02:32:21 +0000

What happens when you leave your TV on WPIX all night? You get woken up to Dr. Clarke swine rhymin' on a B-rate WPIX morning show. Easily the most heroic alarm clock in the world.

The H1N1 Rap was written, composed, produced, and performed by John D. Clarke, MD, FAAFP. It is rare you see a YouTube actor with more letters at the end of their name than their view count. Most raps have as much content as an Ecto-Cooler, but when the artist is a surgeon you finally get a rap message with meaning. My favorite part is when he flips into Carlton Banks mode at the end of the video in order to maintain his professional image. How often do you think that professionals want to crawl out of their skin and into their stereotype, but are imprisoned by their social status? Ninety-six; I am going to claim that 96% of black professional men would rather be rappers than suits. It is the people like Dr. Clarke and Ken Jeong from the Hangover who have the confidence to tell their peers to "go fuck themselves" and then do what they love. [caption id="attachment_888" align="aligncenter" width="270" caption="Dr. Ken Jeong"][/caption]

Saturday Miscount

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:33:31 +0000

This, Next, and Never

The Saturdays System: This, Next, and Never

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:08:58 +0000

Our Current Saturdays System

I assume everybody has noticed this in some form or another; but we have a serious problem with identifying future weekends. Our current system calls the upcoming Saturday 'THIS Saturday'. We call the Saturday coming in two weeks 'NEXT Saturday'. And we call the Saturday in three weeks 'IN TWO Saturdays'; and from there the butchery continues. Have you ever tried to explain to someone what weekend your talking about without using a date? You end up gesturing your finger in the air while appearing to draw a picture of a wavy ocean. All while your saying, "No, not THIS saturday, not NEXT Saturday; in TWO Saturdays." Then the other person goes, "Ohhhhh. I thought you meant NEXT Saturday." If what I'm typing right now seems drawn out and confusing, that's because it is; but it's not my fault. Let me explain...

Dictionary Definition of Next - Immediately following in time, order, importance, etc.: ie) the next day; the next person in line.

Next doesn't mean two fucking Saturdays away. Our system gets all fucked up because of this 'NEXT' verbiage (*that's how you spell verbage). If we're fucking simple shit like this up now, imagine how difficult it was to meet up with people before cell phones. You would have to call via landline prior to leaving your house, and then establish a meeting place ~AND~ time. I wouldn't have ever left the house back then because of my pessimistic outlook on people's ability to meet up with me. Some people think it's OK to give you a two block radius as the meeting place, and a one hour window as the meeting time. ex) Meet me at the park between one and two. This shit is not acceptable to me. I need to know the exact tree we are meeting under, and what minute we are meeting. I found a way to fix this problem. When people ask me what time they want to meet me I hit them with a really specific time like 4:37pm. It projects to them my seriousness about punctual arrivals. When choosing a background for my calander illustration above I intentionally chose January 2010 (Jan 1, 10) in order to provide a sneak peak (exclusive on ChrisGaldi.com) at what our dates will look like in the NEXT decade. Or if we are going by the Saturdays system...THIS decade.

boss

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:57:24 +0000

Sexy Fishing Girl

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:25:05 +0000

Sexy Fishing Girl

Prize Fish

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:45:28 +0000

SYDNEY - Two Australian teenagers fished $87,000 in cash out of the water during a fishing trip, and then turned the money over to police. (Picture has nothing to do with the article)

Fucking Australians. They look like us, they like the same shit as us, they hang out with us; but they're NOT us. Anything you fish out of the water doesn't require a title search before you keep it. I don't care if you fish a signed copy of the US Constitution out of The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. As soon as you pull that shit out of the water it becomes yours.

Those of us who are immoral immediately feel disgust when we read about tales of virtue like this. Then I think, there are just as many people who are bad as there are good. So how often do people stumble upon grand sums of money, keep their profits, and keep it a secret? The sheer prospect of these unpublished stories welds a smile into my criminally-twisted mind.

Saturdays System Calander

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:38:33 +0000

Saturdays System Calander

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:41:10 +0000

Saturdays System Calander

Who is the Dalai Lama?

Chris Galdi — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:12:51 +0000

MEMPHIS -- When Memphis Mayor Myron Lowery greeted The Dalai Lama in Mississippi on Tuesday, he bumped fists with His Holiness, then said "Hello Dalai!" He took criticism from some viewers who saw the fist bump and said it was "embarrassing."

Can we briefly clear one thing up. Who is the Dalai Lama?

Up until 1959, the Dalai Lamas were the directors of the Tibetan Government, but now they serve as the lineage of spiritual leaders of Tibetan Buddhism.

Thanks again Wikipedia. So there it is, they are Buddhist spiritual leaders. What's the problem with giving a Buddhist spiritual leader the fist pound? I'm sick of Americans feeling as though we don't have a culture. Fuck that. Americans don't bow, don't kiss on both cheeks, and don't avoid eye contact when saying "hi". We look you square in the grill and then exploit the fist. We have as much of a culture as any one else, but ours is not glamorized. I have heard stories of Asian business men or polititians getting insulted if someone doesn't bow prior to a meeting. I think Obama should follow Myron Lowery's lead and start fist pounding the fuck out of foreign diplomats. Why not? If we have to bow, you have to fist pound.

Facts with Reginald

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:30:11 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:33:28 +0000

"Cherry Sour Patch Kids are just red Swedish Fish covered in sour."

Hot Girls Fishing Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:36:25 +0000

[nggallery id=21]

Richard Hatch Tax Evasion

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:52:55 +0000

Richard Hatch Tax Evasion

Wesley Snipes Tax Evasion

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:53:17 +0000

Wesley Snipes Tax Evasion

Joe Francis Tax Evasion

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:53:47 +0000

Joe Francis Tax Evasion

The Tax Memo

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:29:45 +0000

Federal charges including falsely claiming millions of dollars in tax refunds as well as not even filing tax returns have landed countless celebrity types behind bars.

You don't speed through a speed trap. You don't rape a chick without a mask on. You don't take pictures of 12 year old boys and then tag them as yourself on Facebook. And you defiantly don't make a shit load of money and not pay taxes on it. Don't these people get the memo that they are behind on taxes? If I wait three weeks to pay a speeding ticket I get bombarded in the mail with more court notices than Sonia Sotomayor. So what's is the deal with the taxes? Is there not a similar tax memo? Does the IRS just let you build up debt, while they sit back in a reclining leather chair and run their fingers together like Mr. Burns? This shit literally and figuratively just doesn't 'add up'. Like what if I make a ton of loot, then hire a C+ accountant and he fucks my documents up? Am I going to end up in jail for six to eight because of his errors? Even today, I don't really deal with taxes. I know they take half my paycheck every week and I think that is enough. But with such a deep track record of people fucking their taxes up, even with knowlege of the extreme penalties, it seriously makes me wonder if this tax memo exists. Click to See Top Ten Gallery of Celebrity Tax Arrests on ChrisGaldi.com

All Time Celebrity Tax Arrest Top 10

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:54:03 +0000

[nggallery id=22]

Save as Draft Bankrupcy Wheel

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:43:51 +0000

Save as Draft Bankrupcy Wheel

Saving SMS Texts as a Draft

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 17:03:22 +0000

[caption id="attachment_979" align="aligncenter" width="415" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

First of all, can we cut the whole SMS (Short Message Service) lingo out. A text message is the original type of cell phone message, and does not need to be identified with 'SMS'. You don't call the original Batman 'Batman I' just because Batman II is made. Am I wrong? You call it Batman, and that's it.

Now that I got that out of my system, can we please talk about the 'Save as Draft' button found in most cell phone text message menus. This button consistently finds a way to cuddle up next to the more essential 'SEND' button like a gambling problem to alcoholics. I can't tell you how many times I thought I sent a text to someone only to find out two days later that I saved it as a draft by mistake. And now that I am using a touch screen Crackberry Storm, it has become even more difficult to cherry pick the 'SEND' button out of the cluster of useless buttons. It's like trying to type an essay on Microsoft Word with your elbows.

**Who is even saving messages as a draft? Text messages are intended to be sent immediately. We have paper, pens, and the United States Postal Service for sending messages at a later date.

Girls Gone Wild Gallery

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:18:25 +0000

[nggallery id=23]

Images Property of Girls Gone Wild

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:20:05 +0000

Girls Gone Wild Founder Joe Francis

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:21:26 +0000

Girls Gone Wild Founder Joe Francis

Ashley B, Raleigh, NC

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:24:49 +0000

Rachel H, Lafayette, LA

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:25:18 +0000

Rachel H, Lafayette, LA

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:25:48 +0000

My Apologies...

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:27:45 +0000

[caption id="attachment_995" align="aligncenter" width="190" caption="Girls Gone Wild Founder Joe Francis"][/caption]

I wrote an article mentioning Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis earlier today, and I did not include a gallery of skanky Girls Gone Wild with it. That will never happen again, I apologize.

(Click to See Girls Gone Wild Gallery)

Newspaper at the Barber Shop

Chris Galdi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 23:48:55 +0000

Is this Guy Fucking Serious?

Chris Galdi — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 00:05:46 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1008" align="aligncenter" width="486" caption="Picture Taken by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Since when has it been an option to read the newspaper while getting a trim? I literally fell out of my chair when I saw this guy; and I wasn't even sitting down. When I'm getting a haircut I feel like I am fucking with the barber's flow if I merely take a moment to scratch the hair off my nose. Then I stumble upon this guy acting like he is on a casting call to play Gordan Gekko in Wall Street II. If you look closely you'll notice that he has his legs crossed like a private investigator getting debriefed on a case. This is expected out of someone who reads the newspaper during a haircut. It wouldn't have shocked me if he lit up a Marlboro 100 while he was getting his neck shaved and then paid in Arthur Anderson bond coupons.

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:12:18 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:14:07 +0000

"Hasidic Jews exclusively drive minivans."

New: Polf

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:15:19 +0000

Yankees Win 2009 AL East Party

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:19:09 +0000

Yankees Win 2009 AL East Party Champions

Papi's Powa

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:27:43 +0000

Papi's Powa

Jamison Drop

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:30:15 +0000

Jamison Drop

plussign

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:30:55 +0000

Plus

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:31:51 +0000

plussign

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:39:02 +0000

pluspibng

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:39:46 +0000

plussign

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:40:53 +0000

equal

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:43:02 +0000

big papi

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:43:16 +0000

PAPI BOMBS

AL East Champions Celebrate with Papi Bombs

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:43:54 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1045" align="aligncenter" width="498" caption="Papi Bombs Celebration"][/caption] The Yankees beat the Red Socks, win their 100th game of the season, and simultaneously clinch the AL East title. What does clinch mean you ask? It's when you put yourself in a position to automatically make the playoffs, a position that even the Mets couldn't fuck up. They managed to clinch against the Socks, at home. Many of the blue collar low lives of Boston are drowning their misery today in Papi Bombs. A Papi Bomb is when you fill up half a glass with Papi's Power Vitamin Water and then drop in a shot of Jamison and chug the resulting concoction. This is the same liquid mix that the Yankees were showering each other with in the clubhouse celebration pictured above. [caption id="attachment_1033" align="aligncenter" width="421" caption="Papi's Powa"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_1034" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Jamison Drop"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_1042" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Papi Bombs Papi Bombs Papi BombsPapi Bombs Papi BombsPapi Bombs Papi BombsPapi Bombs Papi BombsPapi Bombs Papi Bombs"][/caption] **Ingredients for Papi Bombs are stocked standard in all Commonwealth of Massachusetts bars. Because of David "Papi" Ortiz's slumping stats, Papi's Powa Vitamin Wawta is difficult to come by in New Jersey/New York. Power-C Vitamin Water is an acceptable substitute for the preferred Papi's Powa edition.

Papi Bombs Celebration

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:06:53 +0000

No Papi

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:40:32 +0000

No Papi

That's More Like It

Chris Galdi — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:41:17 +0000

That's More Like It

AMRADIOIMAGE

Chris Galdi — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:00:35 +0000

AM Radio

Chris Galdi — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:23:17 +0000

AM Radio

AM Radio (AfterMath Radio)

Chris Galdi — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:28:28 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1059" align="aligncenter" width="454" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Why do I call AM radio AfterMath Radio: because in the aftermath of a nuclear explosion, that is what the emergency radio broadcast would sound like. To extrapolate, if a soldier's helicopter went down behind enemy lines, and he attempted to send out a S.O.S. transmission of his location, it would have more audio clarity than AM Radio. In 2009, television sports broadcast companies take great pride in a high definition and quality sports production. However, the radio delivery of the games makes you feel as though you are listening to one of FDR's fireside chats. I have an idea...why don't they fucking broadcast sports on FM radio? Is there a problem with doing this? Is there some pin head upstairs shaking a code book while saying, "No, no, no; all sports broadcasts have to be barley audible in AM frequencies." I highly doubt this is the case. It is just a bunch of lazy radio disk jockeys who don't give a fuck about my updates of Jets' yardage.

Other than sports games, what else is airing on AM radio? Can I buy a station and just start broadcasting some of my nonsense that makes sence? Buying an AM station can't be more expensive than my current Blackberry service plan...right? Because if you flip through some of those rouge AM stations is sounds like a Ben Stein phone tap. It's the type of shit you would hear coming from upstairs while duck taped to a chair in someones basement.

AM Radio Image

Chris Galdi — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:29:03 +0000

AM Radio Image

10 Minute Beer Clock

Chris Galdi — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:53:43 +0000

10 Minute Beer Clock

That Dump was 2 Beers Long

Chris Galdi — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 03:54:52 +0000

People quantify the duration of events in minutes, hours and seconds. But this doesn't sit right with me. Sixty seconds make up one minute; but what makes one second, one second long? Do they scientifically clock Brett Farve's cadence while saying "one-mississippi"? Our current system is outdated, and has no foundation within my life like a Lil' Wayne cassette-mixtape. However, what I do know is that it takes people a certain amount of time (about 10 minutes) to drink a 12 ounce beer. I'm not talking about the time it takes me to throw one back during a pre-game, I talking about an out-to-dinner long-neck.

With this experimental data, I am now able to quantify trip durations, lengths of movies, countdowns till the start of Meet the Browns Season II, and really anything else that would otherwise need to be measured in time. For example, someone may ask, "Hey Chris, how long until we get to the bar?" And I would be like, "Oh dude, this place is far, it's like 4 beers away."

Polo Logo

Chris Galdi — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:30:05 +0000

Polo Logo

Croquet on Horses

Chris Galdi — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:43:09 +0000

Over the last three decades it's been all about wearing a branded shirt. Whether your shirt has a Polo player™ on it, a picture of Jordan dunking™, a Puma cat™ or whatever; people pay for the logo. But do you ever think about what your representing? For instance, take the Polo guy™. Since when has it been hip to play polo? What a homo sport, a slew of dudes riding around on horses whacking shit. It's more like a sport for horses. And I guarantee it's the same crowd of tools that dress up in pastel colored sweaters, suck rod and play croquet. You never hear about pick-up polo matches because a) no body rolls around with horses; and b) the pussies who play polo don't want real athletes to show them up. Imagine if an athletic mother fucker on a bucking bronco entered the Polo word. Dwayne Wade on a stallion. You can't take croquet, put it on horses, and then name it a different sport.

Picture if people with real athletic ability added horses to shit. Like a game of baseball but everybody was on horses. Picture that infield. Or even better, imagine stealing home on a horse while the catcher is on a horse too, fucking play-at-the-plate if I ever seen one.

[caption id="attachment_1089" align="aligncenter" width="457" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Dwayne Wade Playing Polo

Chris Galdi — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:50:07 +0000

Dwayne Wade Playing Polo

Dave Letterman

Chris Galdi — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:17:36 +0000

Dave Letterman is Lying about Sex

Chris Galdi — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:55:25 +0000

Dave Letterman has a long history of getting flirty with his guests. From Madonna to Drew Barrymore, Diamond Dave has never been one to shy away from unzipping his proverbial fly when interviewing a female guest. Depending on his mood, this flirtatiousness generally takes shape in either a slew of straightforward sexual complements or, when he's feeling aggressive, a subtle graze of his caack on their hip. Dave hits on girls like a horny child hitting on his hot, older babysitter. It's awkward and has a lot of tension. I think this is because Dave Lettermen can not get it up anymore. And I will even take it a step further, I think this entire black mail scheme was set up by Dave's publicist to make him seem like he is still in the game, rather than just a rotting corpse. The entire time Sarah Palin was running for VP Dave would make fun of her like a senior who got dumped on prom. He is upset that he was once sexually active and in the lime-light, and now he is just in the lime-light without a pair of balls. Sad old man making up sad old sexual allegations.

Some of his Palin jokes tell the audience that Sarah "looks like" everyday day people in order to brainwash America into associating an image of an ordinary citizen with Sarah, instead of a leader. Here are a few about Sarah:

"Is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters; she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi..etc"

Well I came up with one for Dave:

Fucking guy looks like the bum who sits in front of hardware stores with a change cup. He looks like the uncle you only see once a year who posts a 42% chance of leaving semen on your bathroom floor. He looks like a 62 year old guy who is immune to Viagra and pussy.

Click Here to See a Few More Sexy Guests on Letterman Show

Hiking Motivational Poster

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 13:41:41 +0000

Hiking Motivational Poster

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 13:42:22 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1100" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE LATEST CHRISGALDI.COM POSTS

Dave Guests

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:02:46 +0000

[nggallery id=24]

Leighton Meester

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:39:39 +0000

[nggallery id=26]

Blake Lively

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:42:19 +0000

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Leighton Meester and Blake Lively

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:45:28 +0000

Leighton Meester and Blake Lively

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:46:10 +0000

Leighton Meester and Blake Lively

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:46:36 +0000

Leighton Meester and Blake Lively

Who is Better Looking: Leighton Meester or Blake Lively?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:47:38 +0000

Leighton Meester Pictures

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Blake Lively Pictures

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[poll id="3"]

breylon

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:53:34 +0000

Jets Breylon Edwards Jersey

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:07:16 +0000

Jets Breylon Edwards Jersey

Braylon Edwards on the Jets

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:12:43 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1119" align="aligncenter" width="314" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Jesus Christ...Braylon Edwards? Last night the Jets somehow managed to pick up the only receiver in the NFL with the dexterity of a Rock-em Sock-em Robot. This dude single 'handedly' killed my fantasy football hopes last year like a dial-up Internet connection at draft time (that was fucking nerdy, my bad). I used to watch him let balls smack into his big, dopey hands and fall to the turf. He is an over-rated joke. If he can do anything for the Jets it would be to pick up the #1 defensive back that would have been covering Cotchery.

Braylon Edwards had 16 dropped passes in 2008 and has ZERO touchdowns in 2009...lets go Jets.

Pastel Colored Tissue Paper

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:46:47 +0000

How I went from Buying Beer --> to Choosing "What Color Would Best Match My Bag"

a) I was invited to a party, so I went to the Liquor Store to buy myself a 6-pack of Bud to pregame

b) I Noticed an aged bottle of tequila, irresistibly packaged in what looked like the encasement of the Dead Sea Scrolls. It was too sick for me not to buy it as the party gift. c) Left the store with the gift, my Bud 6 pack and a smile; when I realized I needed a card to associate my generosity with the sweet tequila bottle. d) While choosing the card, I noticed gift bags specifically sized for liquor bottles and grabbed one. e) Remembered that chicks don't accept gift bags not filled with tissue paper. F) Stood, staring at a wall of pastel colored tissue paper wondering what color would best match my bag.

**What is with our need to fill gift bags with tissue paper? I can never get it to sit right. Mine always looks awkward and out of place like a priest running errands in town. However, when a chick gives me a gift bag, the tissue paper is blossoming out like the pedals of a white lily. Fucking chicks and tissue paper, brutal. When I give a gift to a guy, in the rare situation that it's not "a round", I just fucking throw it to him. Let's keep it that way.

Budweiser to Tissue Paper

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:55:15 +0000

Budweiser to Tissue Paper

Chris Galdi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:17:51 +0000

Budweiser to Tissue Paper

Cpt.

Chris Galdi — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:19:44 +0000

2 for 2

4 Times Reached Base 2 RBIs 3 Runs 0 Errors 1 Home Run 1 Win

Let's Roll Jeter's Batting Song...

Jeter Twins Homerun

Chris Galdi — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:23:06 +0000

Jeter Twins Homerun

The Big 3-0

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:02:46 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1156" align="aligncenter" width="273" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

As sure as death, I will some day become thirty years old. Not that this is bad, but it makes me wonder about how smoothly my life-style will transition into that life-stage. Can a thirty year old listen to rap, play video games, and wear sports jerseys? At '23' I find solace in being younger than those around me, and it gives me a licence to over-party and, how should I say it, act my age.

Recently when talking to an unnamed thirty year old guy, married with a two year old daughter, I asked him some questions:

ME: "Dude, how does it feel to have a fucking child?" 30 YR OLD: "Best thing that's ever happened to me" ME: "You just saying that because you have to?" 30 YR OLD: "No, I mean it. But the worst thing about being older is losing touch with the basic shit that younger people know about." ME: "Like what? Rhoto eye drops?" 30 YR OLD: "What the Fuck is a Rhoto eye drop?" ME: "Throw these is your eyes..." 30 YR OLD: "It kills. It kills." ME: "Deal with it......Deal with it...." 30 YR OLD: "Wow; that's exactly the shit I'm talking about."

The farther (or further?) we get in age from college kids, the more we lose touch with unappreciated, good shit like Rhoto eye drops. I hate to say it, but [18-22] years olds are the central nerve of spreading shit around the country quickly. Why do you think STD's are so prevalent in America? When you lose your last college friend you simultaneously lose your last inside tip.

And is my generation (current 20 yr olds) really relying on rap music as our jam and juice when we are older? Like at family parties are we going to play Thugz Mansion? I feel like a copy if I call classic rock MY MUSIC; when clearly it is the older generation's music. Plus, classic rock is slowly getting zapped out in TV commercials. Commercials take good songs and play them over a Toyota Prius montage. It's just something that should never happen, like drinking a 'Corona-and-lime' in a snow storm; or a Guinness on the beach.

Transition from 20 to 30

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:09:14 +0000

Transition from 20 to 30

Vikki Blows

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:28:20 +0000

[nggallery id=27]

Vikki Blows Logo

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:29:40 +0000

Vikki Blows Logo

Vikki Blows

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:31:34 +0000

Click to See Vikki Blows Page

Vikki Blows

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:32:10 +0000

Click to See Vikki Blows on ChrisGaldi.com

Vikki Blows

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:32:49 +0000

Click to see Vikki Blows on ChrisGaldi.com

Vikki Blows (That's Her Real Name)

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:34:08 +0000

Vikki Blows, from the UK, will have you beating off like an 18 year old on Facebook the day after Halloween...

[nggallery id=27]

FactsReginald

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:57:53 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:59:27 +0000

"Money is only as good as how you spend it. The only way to beat the man is to die with a shit-load of debt. Deal with it."

AL VS NL

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:22:25 +0000

AL VS NL

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:26:49 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1181" align="aligncenter" width="374" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

During the MLB playoffs it is only human nature to check out what is going on in the "other" division (aka The National League). For some reason when I watch an NL game, I can tell that I am watching an NL game. I really can't explain this feeling, it is just a vibe that the game puts out. It might just be me, but the National League feels like Triple A ball. Maybe fans of the Mets or Dodgers feel this way about Yankee games; but I seriously doubt it because of how potent our lineup and 'YES production' is. We have Paul O'Neill.

This is NOT the case when it comes to the NFL. In the NFL the leagues are completely transparent. Other than knowing that the Jets can't play the Giants in the playoffs unless it is the Superbowl, I wouldn't even know two leagues existed. Supposedly there is the AFC and NFC? Who fucking cares? Once Sunday comes this "invisible barrier" is dropped like Tim Tebow's color barrier in the Gator's locker room.

By the time the baseball World Series comes and you face your NL/AL opponent, they have different rules and shit. Fucking pitchers are swinging bats like it's a rec baseball game. When they meet it is almost like looking at your bizarro world counterpart through a hole in space time..."So YOUR the best in the other league....touché"

Chubbs Peterson Arm Length

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:35:36 +0000

Chubbs Peterson Arm Length

chubbs

Chris Galdi — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:36:17 +0000

"Cut Me Down to My Prime"

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 07:12:37 +0000

BEAUFORT, S.C. — A 77-year-old man has lost his lower arm after he was bitten by an alligator on a coastal South Carolina golf course. The man was picking up his ball when a 10-foot alligator pulled him into a nearby pond. The man's golf partners were able to free him.

Wait...so an 80 year old guy got his hand bitten off by an alligator and did NOT die? Fucking resilient old-timer. I thought old people died if they caught a feisty bed bug. However, this is the well-deserved punishment these old people get for holding up groups behind them on a golf course while rooting around in the high brush for stray balls. Ever wonder why there is a five-hole backup on the course? It's because a timer shanked his drive into the spinach and found a gold mine of balls. Old people are cheap, I personally can't tell you why, but they are. If an old timer finds 'paydirt', they will fill up a 12-pack-box of golf balls before they proceed to their next shot. This rationale hurts my mind.

**Take a moment to mentally obsorb the comedic length of Chubbs Peterson's arm. His knuckles are skimming pavement.

The Joba Rules

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 07:37:16 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1220" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

"Jesus Christ Galdi; I saw the header of this post and realized that you are finally weighing-in on the Joba Rules".

Well since I brought it up, I might as well weigh in... I don't enjoy talking about the Joba Rules because it is a subject that is over absorbed like a Mel Kiper Jr draft analysis. The Joba Rules are clearly bullshit, however I finally believe that I deciphered them:

The Yankees are training Joba to become the new Mariano Riviera. If right now you are saying "obviously Galdi we all know this is the case"; then your lying to yourself. Sports Center and the NY Post have spent (90) hours devoted to deciphering "The Rules", and they have never stated what I just said. Their articles are always related to making Joba a starter. But at the end of the day, the only reason the Yankees are post-season potent is because we got Mo Rivera. Without Mo we wouldn't have a championship since '81.

Did you know that the Yankees have won a World Championship in every decade since the begining of baseball? As soon as the Yankees went up 2-0 in the ALDS I purchased (6) tickets on Stub-Hub for the ALCS. I am hammered right now; but even hammered I know that this was the right move. It's like buying stock options...you get the tickets cheaper while there is still a chance they won't make it to the ALCS, even though we all know they are already there.

Woah....sorry about that. Here is the gallery on ChrisGaldi.com of Joba's girlfriend.

[nggallery id=5]

Q and A?

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 07:47:21 +0000

I still dig the Miley Sirus song "Party in the USA"; and I got goosebumps during the "Office Wedding" on NBC. Does that mean I'm gay? Maybe; but fuck it. Miley has been like (17) for seven years. She is like leaving a un-opened bottle of Gatorade in a your college fridge through the night and expecting it to be un-opened in the morning....Someone is going to pound it whether or not it is theirs. Same goes for sassy crooners like Miley.

[poll id="4"]

Hold on...we need some more pictures....

Selena Gomez [nggallery id=29]

Miley Sirus [nggallery id=28]

Jesus was that legal?

Miley Sirus

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 08:17:53 +0000

[nggallery id=28]

Selena Gomez

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 08:22:19 +0000

[nggallery id=29]

Joba Closer

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 08:33:10 +0000

Joba Closer

Joba Chamberlain

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 08:37:42 +0000

Truman Show Beating Off

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:11:19 +0000

Truman Show Beating Off

The Truman Show

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:12:07 +0000

The Truman Show is fucking great. I just caught it from the beginning on TBS and watched the entire thing. Yes, it took me nine hours to watch it on network TV, but it was worth it.

Two things bother me about that movie. Is his wife a hooker? Because if she is a hired actress, and we assume she fucks her husband, then she is a hooker. A+B=C. She is getting paid to fuck. How is this openly legal?

Secondly: What does the screen look like when Truman is beating off? Fucking guy can't catch a beat in peace. Holy Shit.

[caption id="attachment_1243" align="aligncenter" width="368" caption="Image by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Truman Show Beatoff

Chris Galdi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 19:13:36 +0000

Truman Show Beatoff

Don't Ask, Don't Tell (That's What She Said)

Chris Galdi — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:39:17 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1257" align="aligncenter" width="221" caption="Image by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace prize recently, and is simultaneously fighting to put gay guys on the front lines of war (AKA the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Legislation). Seems like a pretty un-peaceful thing to do as a Peace Prize winner...no? And why are gays rallying to stay in war? It is almost like America used reverse psychology on them. "You can't go into war....I want to go into to war..."

Box Score: America 1 - Gay Guys 0

Gay Prize

Chris Galdi — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 13:04:41 +0000

Gay Prize

Frustrated Fan

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:48:56 +0000

Frustrated Fan

Varitek C

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:22:29 +0000

Varitek C

'C'-Rate Catcher

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:25:33 +0000

Jason Varitek, the Boston Red Socks Captain, sat the bench and watched his team get run over in the ALDS by the Angels. There was not ONE at-bat from the team captain during the entire 3 game sweep. That is like a father sitting back and watching his daughter get beaten & raped and not doing anything about it. I wonder if he had his penis tucked between he legs while he watched his team lose. He even wears a 'C' on his jersey. What does that stand for: clown, catcher, cashed-out, Captain-Crunch? Cause it sure as shit doesn't stand for Red Sox Captain. And why does he feel the need to wear the 'C', where is the modesty Varitek? Jeter hit .400 during our ALDS and worked a .538 on base percentage; he did it all while leaving the 'C' on the counter at the fabric store.

Varitek reminds me of "the high school kid" who kissed the most ass for 4 years, so the coach felt obligated to make him captain. And then once he became captain felt it was necessary to make sure EVERYBODY knew. He is a loser; literally and figuratively.

Yesterday night while the Yankees stormed past the Twins in the seventh. The camera panned the stands for frustrated faces of Twins fans. People have to realize that the camera WILL find you if you throw your hands on your head in frustration during a sports event. And no body wants to be caught on camera for such a negative reason. Well...unless your Jon Gosselin.

Computer Word Verification

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:03:45 +0000

Computer Word Verification

Dennis Nedry Screen Saver

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:34:46 +0000

Newman Jurassic Park Screen Saver

Dennis Nedry Nude Screensaver

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:06:29 +0000

Dennis Nedry Nude Screensaver

'Register Now' Pages

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:07:54 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1283" align="aligncenter" width="465" caption="GMail Word Verification"][/caption] Mraqualyn, crystormer, moodship, joypruns; are just a few of the gems that pop-up in the word verification box on web sites. Who is the person hired to come up with these words? It amazes me that someone is out there making a salary off of developing odd-ball words. Sometimes I think that these free sites like Gmail (seen above) force us to type in dumb shit as payment to use their free product: "Ha! Xavier, lets make them type in poowhistle in order to sign-up." On sites like Google, after you get it wrong a few times they have the balls to put a picture of a cripple next to the entry field (seen above). I was already mentally crippled after failing to copy English letters. My confidence did not need the image of a disabled person linking me to the audio version of the word. And what do people in wheelchairs have to do with the audio version? Hey Google, a little presumptuous, no? I figure people in wheel chairs would clean house in this event. They sit down all day, and I am assuming they spend a lot of time registering for various web sites. That's how I would spend my time. They probably have like a .985 batting average when it comes to the word verification box. On registration pages, after you type in the magic word, you are then forced to power scroll through a sixty page agreement and click 'accept'. Imagine if as soon as you click 'accept', a nude version Dennis Nedry's screen saver in Jurassic Park locked up your screen permanently. "Ah Ah Ah. You didn't say the magic word!" You would be like, "Hold On, can I go back, what the fuck did I just accept here?" [caption id="attachment_1288" align="aligncenter" width="455" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

28 dRInKS L8TER

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 21:47:56 +0000

Nick Swardson took a pretty basic concept and made it funny. If you watched the entire video you will probably want to see more pictures of Phil Bowden's sister.

More Pictures of 30 Rock's Katrina Bowden: [nggallery id=30]

Katrina Bowden

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 22:01:09 +0000

[nggallery id=30]

Katrina Bowden

Chris Galdi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 22:02:04 +0000

Katrina Bowden

Windows 7

Chris Galdi — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:44:58 +0000

Doesn't Microsoft realize that this commercial is going to make people think you have to be an Asian to operate the new Windows? It's marketing suicide. Same reason car companies don't air videos of mechanics telling you how simple it is to maintain the advertised vehicle.

Speaking of Asians, why do 98% of them smoke cigarettes. The entrance to IBM must smell like a 1975 A.A. meeting.

1000 FOOT DRIVE

Chris Galdi — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:21:03 +0000

1000 FOOT DRIVE

Chris Galdi — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:27:32 +0000

1000 FOOT DRIVE

1000 Foot Drive

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:30:43 +0000

1000 Foot Drive

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:31:23 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1335" align="aligncenter" width="420" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Hockey has the ‘goal’, baseball has the ‘homerun’, football has the ‘touchdown’, and golf has the ‘hole-in-one’? The problem with the hole-in-one is that reputed magazines peg the odds at 1 in 3756 for a professional golfer to get one, in other words it is nearly impossible. Golf needs a more easily attainable, exciting goal.

The long distance golf drive has amateur golfers, and professionals alike feeling great satisfaction whenever they hit one. Currently the benchmark of a long distance drive is set at 300 yards. This is a challenging target for the amateur, but many professionals could hit this mark fairly consistently.

1 YARD = 3 FEET; therefore 333.3 yards = ONE THOUSAND FEET. This is the PERFECT benchmark for the professional long drive. I cannot believe that this benchmark is not already glorified and celebrated in the golf world. It would be like if we didn’t commend batters for reaching 3000 hits in baseball. The 1000 yard drive is a pink elephant in the room and nobody mentions it. “Holy shit, John Daly just hit a 1000 foot drive and he looks shitfaced!”

**Now that I am comparing feet and yards, have you ever noticed that you could hit a homerun with a golf ball by using only a sand wedge? (330 feet = 110 yards) It kind of makes you feel like the man.

DSW: Dosen't Support Women

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 02:15:39 +0000

DSW Shoes has just released one of the most transparently sexist commercials in the history of sexist commercials. This thing objectifies woman worse than a Mike Tyson pre-fight interview. The commercial personifies a slutty-red high-heel talking to a bunch of typical business shoes and saying the following:

RED SLUTTY HEEL: "I would just like you to know right off the bat, that I am smarter than you, younger than you, and I'll be taking your job."

TRANSLATION: "I am a young, sexy slut that will hook up with the boss. I dress the "job". You are all fucked."

Are girls not offended by this commercial? This commercial must make Nancy Pelosi cringe.

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:18:00 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:21:04 +0000

"A near majority 44% of college students are classified as heavy drinkers (consume 5 or more drinks in a row) by the Harvard School of Public Health's study. So couldn't you also classify pounding 5 or more drinks in a row as normal, or average? Maybe Harvard students should be categorized as light drinkers (consume less than 4 drinks in a row). Deal with it."

Caster Semenya

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:32:47 +0000

South Africa's Caster Semenya celebrates after winning the gold medal in the final of the Women's 800m during the World Athletics Championships in Berlin on Wednesday, Aug. 19, 2009. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

Juwanna Man

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:41:36 +0000

Juwanna Man

Juwanna Man or Woman?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:43:44 +0000

South Africa -- Caster Semenya's 800m sprinting victory at the Women's World Championships in Berlin has been overshadowed by an investigation of her gender. Tests show that she does not have any ovaries and produces testosterone just like a man. However, she also does not have a developed external male sex organ.

How did they let that guy into the Woman's World Championships in the first place?

From the article, it seems like the only thing that makes Caster a woman is the lack of a developed penis. Just because a black man is finally cursed with a tiny dick doesn't make him a female. This "girl" is producing testosterone and lacks ovaries, making her a man by nature. The lack of a spandex bulge does not qualify him to play in female exclusive events. If this was the case, than all Israeli and Japanese men's teams would have to compete in the Woman's games. They don't, therefore the precedent has already been set. Let's have this dude Caster Semenya compete against Hussein Bolt, they we'll really see what's up.

Tired Guy

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:34:11 +0000

Tired Guy with bags under his eyes

Speech from a Random Tired Guy

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:39:04 +0000

"Nothing will wake you up better than when someone you don't know sincerely tells you, "Dude, you look tired." It brushes me back a bit. I immediately respond by saying the three words 'I'M NOT TIRED' way too loud."

I knew I shouldn't have watched all those fucking episodes of Room Raiders last night.

SMS Texts

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:15:23 +0000

[caption id="attachment_979" align="aligncenter" width="415" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

**Who is even saving messages as a draft? Text messages are intended to be sent immediately. We have paper, pens, and the United States Postal Service for sending messages at a later date.

Queen Jukebox

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:05:02 +0000

Queen Jukebox

"We Are the Champions" Song

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:07:17 +0000

AUDIO WARNING: "We Are the Champions" by Queen may sneak into your head undetected like Carbon Monoxide. Most people become aware that it is playing and change the station immediately. However, if you do not become aware that it is playing, it will make you jump off the ledge.

Does anybody actually get fired up when this song is played today? We are the champions? It makes me feel like a fucking loser. It's neither heroic, nor motivational. If you want to get fired up, sing along to the Mortal Kombat Theme Song while chewing pop rocks and shooting heroin. That will fire you up.

Dow 10000 Hat

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:17:30 +0000

Dow 10000 Hat

2009 Angels ALCS Teeshirts

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:35:48 +0000

2009 Angels ALCS Teeshirts

Dow CAPS at 10,000 Points Today

Chris Galdi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:38:14 +0000

Don't know what 10,000 points on the Dow means? Don't worry, neither does that fucking guy (pictured above). What you do need to know is that those hats were handed out today on the NYSE to celebrate the stock market reaching a major milestone.

If you thought that announcing a kicker's stats before a huge field goal was a jinx; then this is like form-tackling a mirror through an open ladder. These hats are a fucking curse to any recent gains that have been made in the stock market. If you wear one, I bet you will go bald, that's how unlucky they are. It would be like if the Angles started wearing 2009 ALCS Champion shirts before even playing the Yankees. Imagine how much those hats are going to be worth when the market crashes one last time? Probably as much as these Angles tees when they get swept...$zero.

[caption id="attachment_1423" align="aligncenter" width="265" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Bum Battle Plan

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:36:14 +0000

Home Alone Map of Bobby Traps

Halloween for the Homeless

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:39:40 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1444" align="aligncenter" width="430" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

It's halfway through October, and people are gearing up to buy costumes. But what I want to know is if the homeless are gearing up for their trick-or-treat routes? Right now I expect bums to be drawing up Halloween logistics maps with no less detail than Kevin McCallister's battle plan in Home Alone. Halloween is 'Christmas' for the homeless, and they have to be prepared in order to maximize their score. On October 31st, Swedish Fish instinctively flood the streets like the salmon of Capistrano, and it's their one chance to capitalize. You think they give out red Swedish Fish at the shelter? Damn right they don't. Bums are given granola bars and soups. BUMS HATE GRANOLA BARS AND SOUPS.

[caption id="attachment_1452" align="aligncenter" width="368" caption="Bum on November 1st"][/caption] **Fucking bum tissue papered his tick-or-treat bag

Bum on November 1st

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:38:26 +0000

Bum on November 1st

Slutty Waitresses

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:37:48 +0000

[nggallery id=31]

Waitress in Black

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:38:39 +0000

Waitress in Black

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:39:15 +0000

Waitress in Black

A Brief Rant about Waitresses, Drink Specials, and Martinis

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:59:44 +0000

Waitresses: Nearly all restaurants require their waitresses to wear spandex black pants and low cut black shirts. They do this for the following two reasons:

1) Asses Look Awesome in Black Hard Tail Pants If a girl's ass is rated an {8 out of 10} in jeans, then it's a straight 10 in Hard Tails. Hotter Waitresses = More Customers

2) Chicks take Forever to get Dressed If you let a girl mix-and-match colors other than black before work she would be a half-hour late everyday. It is calculated science. Tardy Waitresses = Less Customers

Drink Specials: What's the deal with $4.00 beer specials? No, like literally, what's the deal? Because $4 seems pretty fucking baseline to me. $2 Pints or $1 Papi Bombs is a deal, but $4 beers is just menu pricing.

Martinis: I'm big on dirty martini's right now. It essentially tastes like water and salt. Picture drinking Ramen Noodle broth. Plus it's funny watching waitresses try to carry that Dr. Suess glass to your table. Your basically ordering a cocktail poured into a deep-dish plate, and expecting her not to spill any. And do you hold martini glasses by the stem, or the top? I'm leaning toward the stem because of the etiquette scene in the Barat Movie. Or where those wine glasses? Same shit.

This rant has carried on long enough...if you are still reading then I will gift you with the following pictures of slutty waitresses and nifty martini glasses:

[nggallery id=31]

Current Cleveland Browns Logo

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:58:15 +0000

Current Cleveland Browns Logo

Football Left in Brown

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:12:30 +0000

Football Left in Brown

The Cleveland Brown Coach Romeo Crennel Logo

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:13:50 +0000

The Cleveland Brown Coach Romeo Crennel Logo

Random Freeze Frame from Drew Carey Show Cleveland Rocks Song Logo

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:14:48 +0000

Random Freeze Frame from Drew Carey Show Cleveland Rocks Song Logo

Cleveland Browns Logo Ideas

Chris Galdi — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:18:57 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1502" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Current Cleveland Browns Logo"][/caption]

The Cleveland browns are the only team in the history of professional sports who don't have a logo. They currently represent their team with a graphic of an orange helmet (you would think they would at least go with a Brown one). So since they currently have a 1-4 record, and just traded Braylon Edwards to the Jets for nothing in return, I will make them some sample logos for free. It's on me Cleveland:

"FOOTBALL LEFT IN BROWN" Logo

"THE CLEVELAND BROWN'S COACH ROMEO CRENNEL" Logo AKA "THE" Cleveland Brown

"RANDOM FREEZE FRAME FROM 'CLEVELAND ROCKS' SONG IN DREW CAREY SHOW" Logo

"HASTILY MADE CLEVELAND TOURISM YOUTUBE VIDEO NOT EVEN ON AN ORANGE HELMET" Logo

Charlie Kelly of Always Sunny in Phildelphia

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:17:24 +0000

Charlie Kelly of Always Sunny in Phildelphia

Match.com Profile of Charlie Kelly

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:20:07 +0000

Favorite Food: Milk Steak Boiled Over Hard; raw Jelly Beans

Hobbies: Magnets

Likes: Ghouls

Dislikes: Peoples' Knees

Career: Full on Rapist: Africans, dyslexics, children.

Click Here for All ChrisGaldi.com Posts

Christian Slater Curb Caviar

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:21:28 +0000

Christian Slater Curb Caviar

Over Peppered Pasta

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:27:48 +0000

Over Peppered Pasta

Audrina Patridge Eating Cake

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:28:45 +0000

Audrina Patridge Eating Cake of Maxim

Sweet Girls and Salty Guys

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:31:13 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1556" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Click on Audrina to See More Pictures of her on ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Your either a salt person, or a sugar person. In other words, you either prefer salty shit like French Onion Soup and steaks; or you like sweet food such as cakes and chocolate. I think for the most part guys like the salts, and girls like the sweets; I myself am a salt guy. Maybe that's why balls taste salty...hmm? Regardless of what category you fall into, one thing is consistent: too much salt or sugar is bad for you.

Our bodies are reverse engineered to crave what will hurt us the most. People with a history of hypertension crave salt, a history of diabetes crave sugar, and fat people crave...well fats. So what about the guy that loves black pepper? Can someone go overboard on a helping of black pepper Christian Slater style? Will black table pepper cause long term health effects?

Y! ANSWER: Black pepper is actually not bad for you. In all reality it can help with the digestive system, UTI's and kidney infections......Finally some good news New England! Pepper up those chowda's, pepper away.

[caption id="attachment_1554" align="aligncenter" width="336" caption="Christian Slater Accused of Taking too Much Caviar in Curb Your Enthusiasm S7:E4"][/caption]

Audrina Partridge

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:43:14 +0000

[nggallery id=32]

Over Peppered Chowda

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:54:37 +0000

Over Peppered Chowda

Straw Situation

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:17:52 +0000

Straw Situation

The Straw Situation

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:23:33 +0000

The Straw Situation

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:01:19 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1574" align="aligncenter" width="430" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

The thicker the straw, the greater the success of the company. Sonic: Thick Straws. Dairy Queen: Even Thicker. McDonald's: Are those Straws or Hoses? You get the point. But why do some companies waste time making mediocre sized straws? For instance, Dunkin Donuts makes a very fucking average sized straw. And then they have the balls to showcase it next to the high gauge Baskin Robbins straws. That's like having a naked Asian battle to pick up chicks in the hood. For a fast food company the straw is everything; you will throw their cup away, but the straw wrapper will remain as a business card in the bottom of your cup holder for weeks.

I am pretty sure there are so many combination Dunking Donuts/Baskin Robbins locations so that Dunkin could capitalize on the foot traffic generated by Baskin Robbins' straws.

The biggest cock tease of all straws is the mixing straw (pictured above in the lower quadrant). It doesn't know whether to be a straw (hallow sucking device) or a mixer (solid mixing device); making it the most bi-sexual of all straws. Have you ever tried to use one as a straw? It makes you feel like you have emphysema. You need to double, or even triple up to get a solid mouthful.......Don't worry, I'm not going to say it. But I will show you a picture of the most legit straw of all-time:

**Whisky was a bold choice young boy, very bold.

Eye Glasses Straw

Chris Galdi — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:09:08 +0000

Eye Glasses Straw

Carriage Xing

Chris Galdi — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 19:29:44 +0000

So what's all this I hear about motherly instinct? This clip explains why Stewie Griffin is hellbent to kill his mother. How did that woman not jump in front of the train? If I drop my Metro Card off the platform, my natural instinct is to lunge after it onto the tracks (and a few times I almost have). This chick drops a stroller full of baby off the platform and just crouches down.

The odds of that train arriving as soon as the carriage hits the tracks is comedic. It reminds me of the timing of the dump truck that randomly blows through the driving range in Happy Gilmore, consequently crushing Chubbs Peterson's hand. Don't worry about that carriage, made of wood, it's real sturdy.

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:21:27 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:23:02 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:44:31 +0000

"The band Lynyrd Skynyrd came up with their name as a mocking tribute to Leonard Skinner, a physical-education teacher at Robert E. Lee High School who was notorious for strictly enforcing the school's policy against boys having long hair. The more distinctive spelling was adopted before they released their first album titled (pronounced 'lĕh-'nérd 'skin-'nérd)."

**How amazing is it that when you read the "pronounced" spelling of a word (the spelling with all the accents), your mouth magically spits out the correct pronunciation? I don't understand why we can't agree to spell all the words in the English language this way, and we wont even need to include the accents. Ou-er kur-uhnt spel-ing sis-tuhm iz fuh-king out-dey-tid.

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:45:07 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 01:59:48 +0000

Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd

Entering His World

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 02:48:01 +0000

Entering His World

Enter his World

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:22:41 +0000

Enter his World

GARFIELD2

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:40:25 +0000

Garfield Strip Created by Jim Davis 10-16-09

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:41:14 +0000

Garfield Strip Created by Jim Davis 10-16-09

Garfield Comic by Jim Davis...Dialouge by ChrisGaldi.com

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:44:22 +0000

Garfield Comic by Jim Davis...Dialouge by ChrisGaldi.com

Comics are a Joke

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:51:27 +0000

How are comic strips such a consistent part of our print publications, but they blow bear dick? Static characters and dry dialog power an eroding American news feature. Full House's Joey Galdstone may be the only person still belly laughing to this dated material. In a new segment on ChrisGaldi.com, I will be taking comic strips out of today's New York Post and making the dialog relevant (see below):

[caption id="attachment_1683" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption="Dialog Created by ChrisGaldi.com / Garfield by Jim Davis 10-16-09"][/caption]

Dialog Created by ChrisGaldi.com / Garfield by Jim Davis 10-16-09

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:08:06 +0000

Dialog Created by ChrisGaldi.com / Garfield by Jim Davis 10-16-09

Mayor of His World

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:35:56 +0000

Mayor of His World

Entering 'His World'

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:38:46 +0000

Have you ever zoned-out for a few minutes, and woke up only to find yourself driving 52 mph behind a guy in the middle lane? If you have, then you let him drag you into "his world". Some people live in a "world" where it is OK to drive ten mph below the speed limit. And if you're not on your toes, even you may get pulled into that "world".

It is a place where towns are called townships, time is not an issue, a shop is called a shoppe, the town hall is called "The Commonwealth", priests are pastors, cable is optional, people talk to the mailman, add 'e' to the end of every word and hold bi-weekly towne parades for no reason. It's a place you don't want to be, so don't get caught up behind one of these people and dragged into it.

[caption id="attachment_1643" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="Mayor of "His World""][/caption]

Peanuts by Charles Schulz 10-22-62

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:33:18 +0000

Peanuts by Charles Schulz 10-22-62

Dialog by ChrisGaldi.com / Comic by Charles Schulz 10-22-62

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:37:32 +0000

Dialog by ChrisGaldi.com / Comic by Charles Schulz 10-22-62

PeanutsPeriodLarge

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:42:02 +0000

Dialog Created by ChrisGaldi.com / Garfield by Jim Davis 10-16-09

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:10:06 +0000

Dialog Created by ChrisGaldi.com / Garfield by Jim Davis 10-16-09

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:13:19 +0000

Dialog Created by ChrisGaldi.com / Garfield by Jim Davis 10-16-09

Calvin Pace on Steroids

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:11:11 +0000

Calvin Pace on Steroids

Can Someone Grab Calvin Pace His "Over-the-Counter Dietary Supplements"

Chris Galdi — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:19:57 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1686" align="aligncenter" width="295" caption="Image Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Calvin Pace recently returned to the Jets after a four-game steroid suspension. Since returning, he has not registered one sack, as compared to his career high seven sacks last year. Perhaps it is time we get Calvin back on the juice? I mean the NFL gives out parking tickets for shooting up, as compared to the strict enforcement in the MLB. In baseball every time someone gets accused of using "the sauce" they call a supreme court hearing and Jose Canseco is forced to wear a suit for several weeks. However, in the NFL it is not an even playing field unless you are on "the stuff". It would be like a struggling actress moving to So Cal without a dime of plastic surgery. The overabundance of artificial cheekbones would have her praying the rosary on her flight back to Newark.

Balloon Boy Spits-Up on the Today Show

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:52:18 +0000

First they stick Balloon Boy in an attic, then they stick him with a dick. Hold on, hold on; I can explain that absurd statement...

1) When I witness vomit like this I usually assume that it's from booze; however, since this kid is like four years old we have to believe that he is not hungover when he hurls on the Today Show.

2) I have seen the movie Knocked Up at least four times, so I know morning sickness when I see morning sickness; and that was some fucking morning sickness. If my girlfriend was sober the night before waking up and vomiting like Balloon Boy, it would raise a few questions. Questions including but not limited to, "So how fucking pregnant are you?"

3) Now that we know he is pregnant, I bet Balloon Boy gives birth to eight babies and Kate Gosslin turns out to be the father. Then they will make a show on VH1 called: Bubbleboy and Kate, How the fuck did they Mate? Or was that a Southpark plot?

4) Poor kid thought he was going to bear the heroic name of Falcon for his entire life, now he is forever tagged as Balloon Boy. Makes you question the hypothesis that "All publicity is good publicity".

*This ChrisGaldi.com article was intentionally incoherent. As long as this family continues to lie, that is the type of coverage Bubbleboy deserves. Today Show interviews give this family credibility and cause, just as they hoped for. With that said, I think news reports should make them admit to their scheme and then congratulate them on the ingenuity of their publicity stunt. What is more American than a successful, and original publicity stunt? We are still celebrating Barack Obama, aren't we? And I'm not saying that Obama is a bad president or didn't deserve to win the election. All I'm saying is that he only had three years of Senate experience prior to the presidential race. His prior policies sure didn't get him in, his beautifully orchestrated string of publicity stunts did. God bless America, Kate Gosslin and Balloon Boy.

American Flag

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:33:13 +0000

American Flag

Comics are a Joke Pt. 2

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:08:32 +0000

Original Comic Strip:

ChrisGaldi.com Version:

[caption id="attachment_1675" align="aligncenter" width="461" caption="Dialog by ChrisGaldi.com / Comic by Charles Schulz 10-22-62"][/caption]

Halloween Costumes

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:42:13 +0000

[nggallery id=33]

h16

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:42:43 +0000

Bumble Bee

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:43:50 +0000

Bumble Bee

Ghoster Buster

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:44:16 +0000

Ghoster Buster

h12

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:44:47 +0000

Halloween.

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:15:00 +0000

Every Halloween, seemingly conservative girls shock the World and show up to bars dressed in lingerie. They go from 0 to 60: sweaters on 10/30 to lingerie on 10/31. Because of the outfits, guys tend to hook-up with girls who on any other day would walk into a haunted house and come out with a job application. However, since it's Halloween, the slutty outfit allows them to lure men who are out of their league. ie) Guys who are 8's will get in bed with girls who are 4's etc.

Here is my question: If these conservative girls love dressing slutty on Halloween, doesn't it follow that they love dressing slutty in general? I just stated its advantages, so why do they deny the power of the slutty outfit for the other 364 days each year?

The answer is that girls don't care about what guys think of their outfits, they only care about what other girls think of their outfits. For some unknown reason the female-outfit-rating-scale happens to be based on 'apparent level of sluttyness' on Halloween. Other females in a bar actually appreciate and approve of other chicks showing skin on Halloween. However, if a girl wore the high skirt and leather boots on a random Friday night in March, all the women in the bar would be like, "Look at that fucking slut." They are only upset because she would be wearing slutty clothes on an unsanctioned day. Simultaneously she would be stepping out of her league and grabbing dudes that "don't belong to her". Shit like this is carved into the female code book.

I have a message for all the girls who truly love the slutty outfit: Stop listening to what other women think. Just dress in spandex pants and belly-shirts all year long. Hot chicks are hot everyday, regardless of what they wear. Don't let their stink eye guide you away from what you truly want to wear.

[nggallery id=33]

The "Toilet Paper"

Chris Galdi — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:09:23 +0000

More Pictures of Girls Posing on the Toilet: [nggallery id=16]

Itchy Back On Grass

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:06:36 +0000

Itchy Back On Grass

Hot Seat Belt Buckle

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:17:34 +0000

Hot Seat Belt Buckle

Things About the Summer I Wont Miss

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:30:38 +0000

It is hard to ignore the recent drop in temperature. And as the degrees diminish so does that summer mentality we all love. But I am an optimist, so I want to point out some of the things about the summer that I will not miss:

1) Burning the inside of my fucking forearms on the metal of the seat belt buckle. The outside layer of the sun is only 6000°C. So then explain to me how that buckle idols at 6001°C?

2) Bad golf outings. People enjoy golf because of that one day they shot a good round. The problem is they then fool themselves into thinking that they should always shoot that score or better. Therefore, a normal day of golf involves schlepping around a bag of sticks through humidity while pissed off; pissed off that you are in fact shooting your average round. It's a Catch 22 that you won't have to catch in the winter.

3) Gnats. For some reason there is a 'G' in front on the word nat. Their light mass makes them immune to flailing hand swats. They are impenetrable like the alien saucers in Independence Day prior to Jeff Goldblum uploading the computer virus into the alien mothership.

4) People asking me why I'm not wearing shorts when I go out to bars. Mind your own business, I like pants. Plus in the summer it's like 75° at night in NJ; you don't live in West Palm Beach, deal with it.

5) Dealing with the aftermath of dragging your sweating body through the lawn. By the time your done scratching your back it ends up looking like a Burberry bag filled with crushed tomatoes.

[caption id="attachment_1778" align="aligncenter" width="368" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Tim Mcclelland

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:58:36 +0000

Tim Mcclelland

Is Umpire Tim McClelland Stoned?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:00:55 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1806" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption] The only reason I even remembered this guy's name is because he made (3) bad calls in the fourth game of the ALCS, giving Joe Buck a window of opportunity to say the two words "Tim Mcclelland" thirty-five times. The windfall of Joe Buck's "Tim McClelland" shout-outs was triggered when Joe Buck said it the first time, and then enjoyed the way relevant information sounded coming out of his mouth. Umps are white noise unless they muff a call or have a powerful strikeout signal. Let's just say McClelland wasn't working the plate last night. [caption id="attachment_1811" align="aligncenter" width="432" caption="Angels catcher Mike Napoli appears to tag out both Robinson Cano and Jorge Posada in the fifth inning, but only Posada is called out by third-base umpire Tim McClelland."][/caption]

Tim Mcclelland 2009 ALCS

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:05:33 +0000

Tim Mcclelland 2009 ALCS

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:09:43 +0000

Tim Mcclelland 2009 ALCS

Tim McClelland Bad Call 2009 ALCS

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:26:49 +0000

Tim McClelland Bad Call 2009 ALCS

CG Big Bang

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 04:17:59 +0000

Kid Smoking Cigarette

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:58:51 +0000

Kid Smoking Cigarette

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:00:00 +0000

You Don't Need those Matches Son. It's an Electronic Cigarette!

Tainted Treats

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:17:19 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1833" align="aligncenter" width="281" caption="You Don't Need those Matches Son. It's an Electronic Cigarette!"][/caption] I'm stocking up on electronic cigarettes and 5 Hour Energies again. No, not for personal inventory; I'm giving them out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. Now instead of mothers spending time disposing of potentially poisoned chocolates, they will be more concerned with their child who is grinding their jaw and smoking a cigarette. Why check for more poison if they already look fucked up? But seriously, what is the deal with our fear of people sticking drugs, razor blades, or poison inside candy? Who gets off on that? Let's assume that there actually is some weird freak out there who is looking to poison a child. He wouldn't even get to see the kid go down. Unless by chance the sicko happens to encounter a really fat child who eats his candy immediately on the front stoop. But even so, then he would have to deal with a really fat poisoned kid on his front stoop. Seems like more of a chore rather than a source of illicit arousal. This leads me to conclude that there is no probable cause to poison via trick-or-treat bag. I should work for the Hershey's public relations dept. Wikipedia: "There have been no recorded incidents of deliberately poisoned candy during Halloween or any similar occasion." [caption id="attachment_1837" align="aligncenter" width="263" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Hershey Ecstacy Kiss

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:24:59 +0000

Hershey Ecstacy Kiss

Le Male

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:39:00 +0000

Jean Paul Gaultier "Le Male"

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:39:31 +0000

Jean Paul Gaultier "Le Male"

Adam Lambert Cops a Feel

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:44:48 +0000

Adam Lambert Cops a Feel and Slips some Tounge

Adam Lambert Goes Metro

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:46:06 +0000

Adam Lambert Goes Metro

Dammit...I Used to Have that Cologne

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:48:30 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1856" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Ripped out of Maxim Magazine"][/caption] I was a little shocked when I found out that an ex-cologne of mine came out of the closet. I guess I should have taken that bulge on the bottle at face value when I was buying it. Maybe that's why I didn't get any chicks in middle school, because I smelt like a gay club. And what is this ad doing on the pages of a Maxim magazine? Or a better question, what is Adam Lambert doing on this naked model? Touche Galdi....touche.

Facebook Cheating Motivational Poster

Chris Galdi — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:58:46 +0000

Facebook Cheating Motivational Poster

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:01:27 +0000

Facebook Cheating Motivational Poster

Cheating Motivational Poster

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:02:20 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1890" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption="Poster Created on ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption] Click Here to See all Posts on ChrisGaldi.com

ChrisGaldi.com Cheating: Facebooks A Bitch

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:15:24 +0000

ChrisGaldi.com Cheating: Facebooks A Bitch

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:22:00 +0000

ChrisGaldi.com Cheating: Facebooks A Bitch

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:59:56 +0000

Caught Cheating because of Facebook

ChrisGaldi.com Cheating: Facebooks A Bitch

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:34:43 +0000

Caught Cheating because of Facebook

Medical Marijuana Center

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:26:51 +0000

Medical Marijuana Center

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:31:08 +0000

Medical Marijuana Center

Medical Percocet Dispensary

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:02:13 +0000

Medical Percocet Dispensary

Medical Marijuana Stores

Chris Galdi — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:04:28 +0000

Washington DC -- Attorney General Eric Holder announced that federal prosecutors will spend less time and resources on people who use or sell medical marijuana; as long as they are in strict compliance with state law.

Restaurant owners have told me that you have to cut through a shit load of red-tape in order to obtain a state liquor licence. So then who's fish do you have to tickle to get a United States sealed document allowing you to sling weed? And when I say sling, I am refering to ownership of the store pictured above. Like where do you even begin that process? Do you call up the town hall and and tell the county clerk that you want to fill out a drug dealer application? Or can you print it online? Also, when you apply for your loan, do you show up at the Bank of America with a professional business plan explaining how chronic is more profitable than shwag?

Riddle me this...if they are tagging weed as a prescription drug, then why isn't it being distributed through pharmacies? Imagine the chaos that would ensue if little clubs started popping up called Medical Percocet Dispensaries? "Pills heere, Got Ya Pills Heeeeear!"

[caption id="attachment_1899" align="aligncenter" width="430" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:52:57 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:54:32 +0000

"If two guys claim that they "double-teamed" a chick; it usually means that one guy fucked the girl, and the other was grinning with his dick out." ~RVJ

Odd Food Combinations

Chris Galdi — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:14:26 +0000

Odd Food Combinations

Chris Galdi — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:26:03 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1934" align="aligncenter" width="430" caption="Would You Eat Me Now?"][/caption] In college, people tend to consume combinations of food that would send a hungry dog running. Peanut butter and mayo, scrambled eggs and chili, cottage cheese and black pepper. Although these combinations are odd, they are for the most part someone's personal preference. However, in America, odd combinations exist that are actually socially acceptable. Mustard and Soft Pretzels: A packet of mustard is served hand-in-hand with a soft pretzel like a condom with STD test results. But how did that trend start, and why did it spread? It is essentially just bread, salt, and mustard. If I took Wonder Bread, salted the inside, covered it in mustard and ate it as a sandwich, I would be committed as insane. Melted Cheese and Steak: Philadelphia is known for their famous Philli cheese steak. Cheese Whiz or sliced cheddar is melted on top of thinly cut steak. The only reason this combo is socially acceptable is because of the thickness of the steak. We are also OK with melting cheese on minute steak because they too, are thinly cut. But what is the cut-off point as to when a steak is too thick to melt cheese on it? You sure as fuck cannot melt Craft Singles on a 24 oz porterhouse, people would think you lost your fucking mind. Why does steak thickness dictate our culinary sanity? Blue Cheese and Anything: Blue cheese is molded cheese. Why don't you just move to Japan and start eating dog?...I really don't see the difference. Moldy food is moldy food. Just because a few loons in the past deemed it as socially acceptable to pound moldy food doesn't mean you should. Whoever started eating molded cheese probably did it because they didn't have any other options. The blue cheese was the card they were dealt, so that had to eat it. In a world of hundreds of variations of cheeses, do not settle on expired dairy. Cans of Tuna and 'ChrisGaldi's': I take it as a personal insult if someone eats a can of tuna anywhere near me. When I smell it I think to myself, "Are you fucking serious?" The next time someone opens a can of tuna near me, I'm going to sit next to them while eating my dog's kibble and simultaneously fart till I shit my pants. Same net result as eating that can of preserved cat food.

Brock Lesnar Fight

Chris Galdi — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:09:51 +0000

Created by ChrisGaldi.com

Second String Referee

Chris Galdi — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:15:41 +0000

If logic served us right, NFL referees should be sidelined more often than Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb combined. During a normal game, top caliber athletes are aggressively trying to allude defensive men as linebackers lunge to tackle them, all the while average sized referees stand in the middle. If all-pro DB's are often fooled by wide outs, how are refs supposed to keep up? It is like putting a child in a UFC cage during a Brock Lesner PPV bout.

My question is this: After they mopped this official off the field, was there a back up ref to replace him? Can you actually make a real career as a second string NFL ref? Because what if an officiating crew had a day similar to the Met's season, where all their top talent goes down? You can't just replace top quality refs with Gene Hackman and Kenu Reeves. You just can't.

[caption id="attachment_1939" align="aligncenter" width="430" caption="Get Out of There Baby Referee!!"][/caption]

Rick Allen of Def Leppard

Chris Galdi — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:06:03 +0000

Rick Allen of Def Leppard

Rick "The Drum Stick" Allen

Chris Galdi — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:05:30 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1944" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Rick Allen of Def Leppard"][/caption] Rick Allen is the current drummer for the rock band Def Leppard. He is famous for overcoming the complete amputation of his left arm in a botched drag race, and continuing to play with the band. He is looked at as motivation for all aspiring musicians in America.

I was fine with CBS news taking a moment out of this mornings broadcast to air a motivational montage for the drummer of Def Leppard's upcoming birthday. I just have a problem with CBS news pitching it as a motivational story. Seeing this news report was not motivational, it was actually the absolute worst way I could start my day. By comparison Rick makes me feel as though everything that I accomplish with two arms is futile. I went to bed proud that I had a job and a college degree; and woke up ashamed that I didn't do it legless. And this constantly happens to me. I will be revved up about skiing a double black diamond; then by the time I get to the lodge people are buzzing about a cripple skiing the same slope on his fucking elbows. How high do I have to set the bar with all my extremities to match the accomplishments of these handicapped all-stars? Seems to me like America would achieve much more with everyone down a limb.

FactsReginald

Chris Galdi — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:25:15 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:30:32 +0000

"Daylight savings time ends on Sunday November 1, 2009 at 2:00 A.M. The clock is set to go back (1) hour at this time. That means that parties held on Halloween night (10/31) are going to be one hour longer." Wow Reginald, a real fact that's actually relevant. Thanks.

Preppy Debauchery Party

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:16:05 +0000

Preppy Debauchery Party

Night of Debauchery / Night of Mayhem

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:42:19 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1966" align="aligncenter" width="368" caption="Is the Guy on the Right an Old Navy Mannequin?"][/caption]

If your inviting me to a party, and then tell me that it's going to be a night of debauchery, please be advised that I will take it literally. And not literally as in, "I will literally kill myself if it rains this weekend"...literally as in, "Canned tuna literally smells like a hookers V.J.".

Dictionary.com Debauchery is a form of intemperance; an excessive or immoderate indulgence in alcoholic beverages; lack of moderation or due restraint, as in action or speech; excessive indulgence of appetite or passion; an act or instance of any of these: a long series of intemperances.

So let me ask you again...Are you sure you really want me to bring that flavor of heat to your party? Or are you just some preppy social cripple who is trying to crawl into the drinking world? Is it a night of debauchery; or a night of soft-chat and cocktails? Because I don't want to get scammed into thinking we all want debauchery, and then see sour faces when the cops are handcuffing me in your foyer while I'm squirming around like a loose goldfish.

I can do some fucking debauchery, and if your talking about it, that means you can't. People who fuck around with debauchery don't talk about it, it just kind of happens. Handcuffs, car bombs, ripped jeans, ripped assholes, bouncers, torches, tazers, blazers, angry neighbors and mother fucking light sabers. You sure you want me to hit you in the fucking nuts with your momma's paper weights? Are you sure? Cause that's how I deal during a night of debauchery.

So please, all I'm asking is that you call a spade a spade. If your having a "house party", then I will respectfully come to your house and party. If you having a "social mixer", I will respectfully come to your house with a bottle and some mixers. But if your hosting a "night of debauchery", hide the ax because I'm bringing the anthrax. Who wants a hit?

New York Cityscape

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:11:07 +0000

New York Cityscape

Philidelphia Cityscape

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:11:54 +0000

Philidelphia Cityscape

michaelnutter

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:24:40 +0000

Michael Nutter

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:24:58 +0000

Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter

Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter in Yankee Hat

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:25:48 +0000

Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter in Yankee Hat

New York Post Cover

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:57:47 +0000

New York Post Cover

New York VS Philadelphia

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:19:26 +0000

[caption id="attachment_1981" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="New York"][/caption]

V.S.

[caption id="attachment_1982" align="aligncenter" width="486" caption="Philadelphia"][/caption]

Wait, is that Staten Island; or an actual panoramic picture of the entire city of Philadelphia? In 1776 Philadelphia was the social and geographical center of the original 13 American colonies. They had a free pass at becoming the largest city in America....and they fucked it up! For Christ sake, they had Benjamin fucking Franklin vouching for them and they still fell victim to the power of NY. Philly is like Lance Bass of N'Sync. He started off with the same exact economic opportunities as Justin Timberlake (N.Y.C.), but never succeeded and consequently went gay.

Philadelphia reporters are bitterly writing about NY because their thongs slid up their ass cracks when they saw today's cover of the NY Post:

[caption id="attachment_1986" align="aligncenter" width="235" caption="New York Post Cover"][/caption] If the Philadelphia Inquirer ever had a picture of A Rod wearing skirt on their cover: a) New Yorkers would not find out about it (who reads the Philadelphia Inquirer outside of Philadelphia?) b) We wouldn't even be bothered by the images because we know that under A-Rod's skirt would be a baseball bat that's not only hitting .438, but is also hitting Kate Hudson's cookie. Congratulations Philadelphia: 2nd Best National League Record this Year 2nd Largest urban area under 160 sq miles 2nd Largest East Coast consumer media market 2nd Largest city in the British Empire (1700s) 2nd Place in 2009 World Series [caption id="attachment_1985" align="aligncenter" width="269" caption="Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter"][/caption]

Word Mayor Nutter...Word.

kate_Hudson_450x300

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:39:55 +0000

kh6

Chris Galdi — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 19:40:18 +0000

Susan Finkelstein

Chris Galdi — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:24:27 +0000

Susan Finkelstein

The Craig's List Killer 'BJ'

Chris Galdi — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:49:56 +0000

Philadelphia -- Phillies' fan Susan Finkelstein tried trading sex for World Series tickets through a Craig's List ad. She was arrested on Tuesday at a Philadelphia bar after discussing her ad with the undercover policeman.

Question...Why are Philadelphia police officers scouring Craig's List for a World Series ticket sex market? I can find you 130 internet hookers in Philly right now on eros.com. Fuck, I can find you 30 hookers in the flesh on Pattison Ave without even using my Blackberry's browser. Undercover stings don't need to unfold in order to prosecute Philadelphia street hookers. This is just a basic case of Philly cops looking to sell their tickets to a local whore for a BJ. There is no middle ground when it comes to people from Philly: Either they're looking to suck your dick for a tick; or they want to get a rub in return for their stub. They feed off of random primal impulses.

The Ideal Home Page

Chris Galdi — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:05:59 +0000

The Ideal Home Page

The Ideal Google Home Page

Chris Galdi — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:06:41 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2042" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Click on Image to Make It Appear Larger

Ideal Home Page

Chris Galdi — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:13:23 +0000

Ideal Home Page

The Ideal Home Page

Chris Galdi — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:19:06 +0000

The Ideal Home Page

Current Phillies Head Coach Charlie Manuel

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:41:06 +0000

Current Phillies Head Coach Charlie Manuel

Manager Charlie Manuel's Ego

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:54:01 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2079" align="aligncenter" width="323" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption] Baseball managers are as influential to the outcome of a game as an enthusiastic parent in the stands. They are there to keep morale high and pull pitchers. So flash back to game one, when Charlie Manuel's ego was revving so high that he decided to force Cliff Lee to throw 122 pitches. Was the complete game shutout really worth it? Does Charlie Manuel have Cliff Lee on his fantasy roster? I know closer Brad Lidge is terrible, but a six run cushion should be enough to pull Lee. The result: CC Sabathia VS Joe Blanton in game four. King Kong VS "A Jonas Brothers Sing-Along". Not only was Cliff Lee's arm still in pain from that unnecessary complete game, but now if the series goes seven games we will once again see Blanton instead of a lethal Cliff Lee. So Charlie, let me ask you, what do you think people are going to remember more...your blowout complete game? or a blown out ace? Fucking idiot.

Cab Crash Scaffolding

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:08:14 +0000

Cab Crash Scaffolding

Unfolding the City of Scaffolding

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:38:06 +0000

New York -- Last night around 9 p.m. two cabs crashed into scaffolding at Broadway and East 8th Street. Six adult passengers in the cabs were injured.

I don't understand why this was a god damn news story. Channel 7 crews hit the scene to record a taxi cab accident with zero fatalities. Are people surprised that the cabs crashed in scaffolding? Maybe they haven't noticed, but every sidewalk in New York is draped in scaffolding. At street level the city of New York looks like a K'Nex erector set.

Up until now I was under the impression that the scaffolding was somehow a critical structural member of the average New York high rise. However, this accident confirms that that the NY buildings can stand independently of the scaffolding. So is it possible that these "temporary" structures are enduringly ineffective elements of Gotham? Other than providing cover for a late-night rape and something for Spiderman to swing from, what other function does the scaffolding provide? Are they intended to be an obstacle course for roller bladers?

Mayor Bloomberg and Bill Thompson are currently battling it out for NYC Mayor. Maybe one of them should base their campaign around the removal of the scaffolding. They would win my vote; that is if I lived in New York and wasn't a convicted felon.

cab1

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:40:46 +0000

cab2

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:41:06 +0000

Current Phillies Head Coach Charlie Manuel

Chris Galdi — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:13:44 +0000

Current Phillies Head Coach Charlie Manuel

Bulldog in Mirror

Chris Galdi — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:47:24 +0000

Bulldog in Mirror

Vincezan

Chris Galdi — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:20:26 +0000

Vincezan

A Dog's Reflection

Chris Galdi — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:27:16 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2082" align="aligncenter" width="405" caption="Picture by ChrisGaldi.com of Vince"][/caption] His name may be Vince, but the guy pictured above is the furthest damn thing from human. Vince is so dumb that he pisses in the sink to save money on the electric bill. Vince is so dumb that he sold his Mini Cooper for gas money. He is so dumb that he eats all his food to save it for later. But no matter how many stupid things one dog can do, he will always have a firm concept of self-awareness....or does he? Vince knows that he is not a human; right? I mean he sleeps in a cage and shits on a lawn; but then again, so does Mike Tyson. So I came to thinking, what makes me believe that I am a human?

1) Interacting/Speaking with Humans and Human Media 2) My Reflection From the best of my knowledge I cannot say that Vince speaks English, or for that matter could read. His barks are as much a form of expression as an infant's cry; and by no regards a language. As a result, no one has ever called Vince a name like: ugly, cute, smart, stupid, K-9; and had it register. Vince doesn't Wikipedia human attributes and check to see if he has them; mainly because he downloaded too many torrents and his laptop crashed. When Vince looks in a mirror he doesn't make eye contact with his reflection. This really fucking bothers me. When ever he is about to pass by a reflective oven or a low-mirror, I hold my breath for 'the revealing'. The revealing of Vince as a dog. Logic would expect him to double-take his image and then bark at in heated frustration that he is not human. Walk by, and then spit out his coffee. A similar reaction as to when Morpheus tells Neo that his entire life was simulated. Let's face it, when it comes to demographics in Wyckoff, NJ; Vince is in the minority. So much so that he rarely comes face-to-face with another dog. Vince is plagued to look at, and hang out with humans all day long. Over time his concept of a reflection became the physical bodies of other humans he sees. It is much like Tarzan who grew up with apes, and over time believes that he is an ape. Vince is the dog version of Tarzan, except without Jane and balls. Sorry buddy, castration's a bitch. [caption id="attachment_2086" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption=""Vinzan" by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Yankees World Series Champion Logo 2009

Chris Galdi — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:11:47 +0000

Yankees World Series Champion Logo 2009

Parade of Champions

Chris Galdi — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:12:33 +0000

parade3

Chris Galdi — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:13:32 +0000

yankee-parade-route

Chris Galdi — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:14:02 +0000

Championship Uniforms

Chris Galdi — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:49:58 +0000

When the first sports team I followed won the championship (NY Yankees 1996), I was happy, but the journey was over and felt a bit of emptiness. Teams fight all year to win, whether it be a World Series, Superbowl or even Stanley Cup while devoted fans follow. After all the ups and downs during the seaon, the joy of victory only ends up lasting for about as long as Eli Manning in bed. To correct this, I propose that winning teams wear flashy championship jerseys the whole next season to remind fans, opponents, and opponents' fans that yes, we fucking won and we are the defending champions. I'm sick of fans of shitty teams saying, "well that was last year, this is a new season." Think about how much sweeter winning would be knowing that it will be rubbed in everyones' face the entire next season. The obvious downside is following up the championship with a losing season. Imagine if the 1998 Florida Marlins were forced to wear flashy gear while dropping a 54-108 (.333) record, it would be about as brutal as this glorious escalator leap transitioned into face plant:

Sad Fish Eyebrows

Chris Galdi — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 18:51:30 +0000

Sad Fish Eyebrows

Go Fish

Chris Galdi — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:24:58 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2107" align="aligncenter" width="491" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

No body gives a fuck about the fish. The majority of vegetarians are repulsed by meat, but have no problem ingesting marine life. It's alright to eat fish on Fridays during lent if you are Catholic, but wrong to eat steak. We display lobsters in restaurant lobbies and find it appetizing. Can't say we could do the same with restaurant lobby chicken coupes. And why don't environmentalists care about fish getting tangled up in the plastic six-pack rings anymore? I thought the careless disposal of these fish traps had a bad stigma? Do people not care about fish because they live underwater? Out of sight, out of mind perhaps? Imagine if six pack holders trapped & killed deer instead of fish. People would hold fucking picket-protests in front of the Budweiser factory.

I have a different theory. Fish get no respect because of their lack of eyebrows. If you stick a knife straight through a fish, although it may squirm, it will stare at you with a blank expression. Detached, cold, impassive, blank fish-stare. Like a hooker making love. When mammals' are in distress they outwardly display genuine emotion, in some cases even "puppy-dog eyes". Fish may be good at poker, but they are terrible at generating human mercy.

Winners of The Human Mercy Immunity Idol: Ladybugs Swans Rabbits Butterflies Congratulations!

Sosa White

Chris Galdi — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:25:00 +0000

Sosa White

Sosa Goes White

Chris Galdi — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:30:36 +0000

Sosa Goes White

Tranny

Chris Galdi — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:11:17 +0000

Tranny

Sammy Sosa Goes Golfing

Chris Galdi — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:16:46 +0000

New York -- Photos taken Wednesday depict a smiling, ghostly-white Sammy Sosa at the Latin Grammys 2009 Person of the Year at the Mandalay Bay Casino in Las Vegas. Sosa, said that his light appearance is simply the result of a common skin rejuvenation process, a treatment to repair damage after years of playing baseball under the sun.

This Sosa picture came out of right field. I knew Slammin' Sammy corked his bats, but I had no clue that he corked his fucking face. Michael Jackson made a great point: When questioned about his skin color he said that it's not fair that white people can go tanning to get darker, but black people cannot dye their skin lighter. And I agree with Michael's point, I just don't agree with the procedure. Why can't doctors develop a modern method of dying the skin that has natural looking results? Throwing salt in the eyes and then splashing the face with some Gold Bond seems a bit archaic. Doctors can transform guys into girls, but they can't make Sosa and MJ look naturally white? It doesn't add up. [caption id="attachment_2125" align="aligncenter" width="386" caption="Balls Deep"][/caption]

FingWithFriends.gif

Chris Galdi — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:58:47 +0000

FingWithFriends_thumb.gif

Chris Galdi — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:58:49 +0000

Fucking with Your Friends

Chris Galdi — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:58:50 +0000

Try some of these hassle-free ways to joke with your friends! ~Ask to borrow $30 and pay them back $26. ~Discreetly leave some Tamiflu and a box of tissues on your coffee table when your friends stop by. ~Tape a thumb-tac to your xiphoid-process (bottom of the sternum) and pretend your choking on food. ~Ask to use their cell phone and then peg it into a block wall. ~Spray paint a swastika on a synagogue and leave a friend’s drivers’ license in the lawn. ~Shave your head and then rape their pets. ~Commit suicide in their bedroom.

gaycakescene.gif

Chris Galdi — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:20:54 +0000

gaycakescene_thumb.gif

Chris Galdi — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:21:00 +0000

Your Marriage was Kind Of Gay

Chris Galdi — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:21:01 +0000

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="329" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption] Gay marriage is as hot a political debate in Washington as the custody of John and Kate’s children on TMZ. Political types argue until they’re blue in the cock about weather or not couples of the same gender should marry. Many conservatives argue that same-sex marriage is a civil rights, political, social, moral, religious issue..blah blah blow. This is hot American dog-shit. The monetary benefits of marriage are the only reason this issue is debated. No body fucking cares about the homophobic views of John Deer and God. Marital Benefits = “Money to the Gays”. Politicians hate giving away money. These same politicians also fear that allowing same-sex marriage will open up legal loop-holes for same-sex friends to fake marriage and reap the benefits. Can we all agree that same-sex straight males are too sexually proud to stage this sort of a stunt? Accordingly I don’t understand why people would assume that the gays are more inclined to fake marriage than heterosexuals? Nothing in the current system prevents a man and a woman from faking marriage...right? If there is anything to debate here, it is this: Why would gays abuse nuptial benefits any more than the straights? Are gays more likely to swindle the American taxpayers? What the fuck? MY SOLUTION: Let the gays file their marriage paperwork. If there truly are significant financial benefits from getting married, then straight people shouldn’t be the only ones rewarded. I have never seen a cent from marriage because I have never been married. However, the publicity and passion generated by the same-sex marriage debate leads me to believe that marriage comes with a $12,000 prize. They must to be fighting for something substantial. I am going to be one pissed off mother fucker if I get married and I don’t get handed a check for $12 grand at the alter. If I say “I do”, and then the priest hands me a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club; I am liable to do a half-back flip into the pews.

Divine Retribution Security Camera

Chris Galdi — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:00:55 +0000

Divine Retribution Security Camera

Veterans' Day

Chris Galdi — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:02:38 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2162" align="aligncenter" width="430" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Hypocrisy. My pet peeve. Pretending to have standards that one doesn't have. America is hypocrisy.

Brave and faithful teens fill armies in the Middle East while another army is marching the streets of America...town police. Disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, simple assault, indecent exposure. Crimes which are enforced and prosecuted in America. Crimes which are a result of common human nature. Humans are designed to act-out, fight, scream, and piss in the streets. Darwinism motherfucker. Survival of the fittest. I can understand if America wanted to shy away from this type of rude behavior, because after all, we should be acting civilized in the 21st century. But what substance does the word "civilized" have coming from the mouth of the country who blindly sends eighteen year olds to war? The same country who collects taxes from slaughterhouses but prosecutes citizens for animal cruelty? I thank the soldiers in Afghanistan and all the vets who once served. Just know that your feeling of pride in service is artificially manifested by America. America is no different from the leader of a gang. If you join their crew (US Army), you are allowed to shoot and kill with the reward of camaraderie and money. However, if you do not join their gang, you are picked on and bullied by the gang's satellite members (police). In the year 2009, crime is no longer prevented by police interference. The police are just paper pushers and mobile meter maids. Surveillance cameras and forensics teams are the only reason major crime is prevented today. Surveillance cameras and forensics teams are also the reason religion is losing followers. Let me explain... Before these forms of advanced criminal detection, getting away with crime was as easy as farting in a closet. As long as you weren't directly witnessed committing a crime, you were not prosecuted for it. Scary, right? So scary that the government endorsed religion, AKA the ultimate surveillance camera. If you can get people to always feel like they are being watched, they will fear committing crime. Divine retribution one may call it. Now that countries can rely on real surveillance, God losses government endorsement and in return losses followers. I knew I should have shorted that God stock.

Emergency Eyewash

Chris Galdi — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:45:27 +0000

Emergency Eyewash

Thanks, But No Thanks...

Chris Galdi — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:46:43 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2175" align="aligncenter" width="239" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Lawyers of disabled and injured Americans have fought so hard for their client's rights, that they have gotten what they need and more. Here is a list of shit that will make the disabled say "Thanks, but no Thanks."

~Handicapped Parking Spots at the Gym If you can move weights, then you can move your fat-head from the back of the parking lot to the gym entrance. ~Emergency Eye Rinse Stations If you have burning acid in your eyes, how are you supposed to locate the emergency eyewash stations? Huh? ~Closed Captioning on Music Videos I'm praying that the deaf have alternate sources of leisure; like drawing. ~Emergency Fire Blankets No dude. I'm On Fucking Fire. I'm pretty sure that blanket is just going to make me sweat. Pass. ~Handicapped Ramps at the Airport Everybody knows that old people can't fly on planes. They're heads will explode.

Lou Dobbs

Chris Galdi — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:55:14 +0000

Lou Dobbs Resigns

Chris Galdi — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:10:03 +0000

Lou Dobbs resignes from CNN. Water freezes at 275° Kelvin. Monkeys usually have tails. Cow's milk has a pH of 6.5. High-quality wrenches are drop-forged. The Knicks and Nets have a combined record of 1-16. Installed sheet-rock panels may be referred to as gypsum board. Granola is lightweight and high in calories.

Facebook Crime Alibi

Chris Galdi — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:12:17 +0000

Facebook Crime Alibi

Facebook Alibi

Chris Galdi — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:31:39 +0000

Brooklyn -- Rodney was arrested on October 18 as a suspect in two crimes. He declared himself innocent and Robert Reuland—his defense lawyer—found the key to free him: His Facebook status reading "Where's my pancakes?"

Are lawyers 100% sure they want to accept Facebook status posts as a legit alibi for crime? Facebook status updates are the easiest thing to hack. I have personally left my Facebook running while out of the house and came back to a status that reads "Chris Galdi likes to blow guys". I don't even like to blow guys. What is stopping me from going into town with a mask on, and then robbing the shit out of someone while a buddy types 8===D into my Facebook status bar? All I am saying is that a Facebook status can be typed into your computer by anybody, so then what the fuck makes it an alibi? Do prosecutors know what Facebook is? Do they even know what an alibi is? Or maybe authorities assumed that this kid Rodney was too dumb to premeditate a clever alibi like this. Now that the cat is out of the bag I would like to see if they still accept Facebook as an alibi. I bet they don't.

Avenue of the Americas

Chris Galdi — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 04:46:28 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2204" align="aligncenter" width="405" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

Chinatown, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem; it seems like minorities always find a section of our big cities and set up shop. They become so rooted in a particular area that indigenous Americans feel foreign in their own cities. How do these people choose a street, and who is the first to settle there? Can I roll over to China and create an Avenue of the Americas? Sometimes I wonder if there already is an entire culture of Americans land-locked on a strip of pavement in the center of Asia. A group of brave men and women starting an American form of Chinatown, in the heart of fucking China.

I can imagine it now, poor American men trying to score free Chinese Wi-Fi, only to find that every router is encrypted with the Rijndael Algorithm. Americans fighting off Chinamen on the streets with forks and un-manicured nails. Could Americans survive in China like the Asians do in America? I think my knees would buckle to the social barrier harder than Yao Ming's in the fucking paint.

Asians have three sources of revenue in America: Chinese Food; Spas and "I Love NY" gear. If they can sell "I 'Love' NY" shit to Americans, I'm thinking I can go over there and sling "I 'Love' China" apparel to the Chinese. Can my "I Love China" logo be my passport into the kingdom of the Chinese Avenue of the Americas? I'm thinking I can open up a small shop in China and print the logo on everything from calculators to external hard drives. Motheruckers will be rocking my shit harder than a washed up celebrity wearing a "Vote or Die" tee on November 1st.

I Love China

Chris Galdi — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:31:53 +0000

I Love China

blackfriday6

Chris Galdi — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:36:46 +0000

blackfriday6

Chris Galdi — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:40:44 +0000

Reginald VelJohnson Facts

Chris Galdi — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:41:47 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:48:53 +0000

On Black Friday, Americans spend $2.21 billion on frills. So if Black Friday is the busiest shopping day of the year, then White Wednesday (the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving) is the least busy shopping day of the year.

An Absolutely Hilarious Comic!:

He said "Your 'Black Friday' shopping trip leads to my 'Blue Saturday' of bill paying!" Well this comic leads to my 'Red Face' from laughing so hard!!! Quick, I need some air, I can't breath! Shit like this is the reason exclamation marks are going out of style.

Shawn the Tool

Chris Galdi — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:09:28 +0000

Shawn the Tool

jaimee-grubbs

Chris Galdi — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:48:37 +0000

ashleydupre

Chris Galdi — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:49:20 +0000

Tiger's Wood Plays the Course

Chris Galdi — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:49:35 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2225" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Interesting Fact: Jaime Grubbs Dated Shawn from the Tool Academy (Above) and Tiger Woods"][/caption]

15, 16, 17? How many stokes over par is Tiger Woods? Once you eat red meat you'll always cheat. At least that's what I say. Tiger is screwing = cocktail waitresses --> therefore there are at least 15, 16 or 17 other chicks with incriminating Tiger Wood's voice mails. I am becoming skeptical about the chances that effin' Tiger didn't hammer my ass last night. Where can you hide with this guy. They don't call it the PGA "tour" for no reason. The word 'tour' indicates that they fly the Tiger to as many destinations as possible; as quickly as possible. It's like hiring a pedophile as the mall Santa Clause. Except with a lot less moving. But I guess there is not that much moving in golf anyways.

Speaking of golf, Elin Nordegrin, Tiger's Swedish wife; is getting what she paid for. I don't think there is a better time to say Deal With It. Listen bitches, yes bitches; if you don't want your husband to cheat on you, then don't marry a national celebrity. Ignorant clowns. I wouldn't even call it cheating. He was playing by the rules. If Elin married Joe Nobody from Leonia, I bet this wouldn't have been as issue for her. Even if Elin was sleeping around, Joe Nobody would still be jerking his 'joe nobody' to her pictures.

Secondly; why are golfers getting laid. I think that the most transparent assholes on Earth are the hot chicks that marry good golfers. Yeah, you liked Tiger for his personality? Where did you meet him? At a fucking driving range? The guy thinks about the loft on his lob wedge and course design more than the tournament purse. These young home-wreckers, like Tiger's mistress Jaimee Grubbs, are the illest at seducing guys. Celebrities are sitting ducks for them. A brief background check would show that the following pick up line would work on effing Tiger: "Greens, carts, fairway, birdie, tour-player, Tiger". If you verse that line to Tiger at any giving time his cock will be revealed quicker than a depressed-magician's secrets. (Yeah, yeah, I used a dummy deck; that's it; that's the fucking trick; now leave me alone).

Post Script (Stands for P.S.): Used when People want to Sound Edgy on the Way Out

"Woods is revising a prenuptial agreement that would give his wife Elin Nordegren, an additional $55 million just to stay with him for two more years."

If I was Dexter I would kill this chick. Transparent gold digger. She is the reason rapists exist. Good for you Tiger.Good For you.

Of course she doesn't fall under Harry's code.

The real question is this: "Who is a better seductress? Ashley Dupree? Or Jaimee Grubbs?"

buds

Chris Galdi — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:54:45 +0000

Dud Buds

Chris Galdi — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:16:36 +0000

In between watching seasons 1-4 of Dexter, and reconnecting with people that Facebook told me I haven't been talking to enough; I realized that I haven't been to the gym in months. I cannot go to the gym without music. Some would say it is comparable to going to the movies without a joint. And since I haven't been to the gym in a while, of course my fucking headphones were no where to be found. As a result I had to throw on the fucking iPod stock-phones. How did Apple ever expect these things to stay in your ears? Really? That's like designing spherical paper weights. Plastic car tires. A dress shirt with no buttons. A wrist-watch with no band. A sleeping mime would have trouble keeping these things pinned to his ear drums. Not only are the buds delicately balancing in your ear, but the white cord grabs onto gym equipment like Batman's boomerang. The only thing that grabs shit you don't want to grab better is Christmas lights. I swear to God, if I was falling to my death and threw a strand of Christmas lights at the flat metal siding of the building, it would find something the latch onto.

Jen Aniston is Patronizing Sick Little Children

Chris Galdi — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:25:47 +0000

Jen Aniston: "Amber is the only girl on her tee-ball team."

Amber: "And I'm Better than the Boys."

Jen Aniston: "I bet you are."

What a conceded bitch. Not only does Aniston throw on makeup to make the girl look bad by contrast; but then she comes out full swing with the condecending comments. Saying "I bet you are" in this situation is like calling another guy 'boss' or 'partner'. "Yeah, alright partner. We got ya".

Imagine if Aniston told Barbara Walters that she was over the break up with Brad Pitt. And then Walters wrapped her arms around Jen and said "I bet you are" while smiling at the camera. Aniston would punch that old bitch Barbara Walters in the face. (Barbara Walters is not a bitch, this situation is hypothetical)

Bottom line is that this commercial comes off to me as a J. Aniston PR stunt. If she wants to be a philanthropist, then she should follow the lead of Billy Madison and take the "peeing in your pants is cool" route. If Aniston came out with no makeup and the cancer-haircut, symbolizing solidarity and support, I would donate $5,000. You can quote me on that.

Tiger Woods conquests

Chris Galdi — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:21:23 +0000

Jaimee Grubbs, Holly Sampson, Jamie Jungers, Mindy LawtonnCori Rist, Kalika Moquin, Rachel Uchitel, .........

tigertron

Chris Galdi — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:37:13 +0000

#4 Over Par

Chris Galdi — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:37:50 +0000

This collage reminds me of that touch screen bar game where you have to point out the dissimilarities between naked women. I mean, what is #4 doing in there? Not only is she obnoxiously ugly, but she also looks like she has bad breath and a smelly vagina. That happens to be a skill I possess. I can look at a women's face and immediatly tell you weather or not it smells. For instance, I have some doubts about the odors coming off of #1, but at least she has redeeming qualities.

This is Tiger Woods we are talking about. It is not some random college kid who gets laid a lot. Tiger Woods has no room to be slipping #4 into the mix like that. Tiger is so popular that can literally pull up next to any girl he sees, not say a word, and get laid. Which leads me to conclude that when Tiger slept with #4 he was in the mood to have sex with an ugly woman. Well, I guess you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, that you get what you need...hold on, I meant the exact opposite of that.

Note: We are getting close to the estimate I made on December 4th (when only 3 girls were revealed): "Tiger is screwing = cocktail waitresses –> therefore there are at least 15, 16 or 17 other chicks with incriminating Tiger Wood’s voice mails."

[caption id="attachment_2262" align="aligncenter" width="368" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

FactsReginald

Chris Galdi — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:27:47 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:28:54 +0000

"Pre-cum is overrated." ~RVJ

David Weiss and Raoul Orieto wrote a short communication in the Journal of Assisted Reproduction and Genetics Volume 20, Number 4, April 2003 in which they looked at 12 men. Samples of precum were collected during sexual arousal and the plateau phase (two phases in sexual arousal where you "get it up" and then "keep going.") None of these samples had sperm.

Dance of the Decades

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:18:40 +0000

As we come to the end of another decade; I begin to think back on some of the shit that shaped these past 10 years. A skeptic would say that 9/11; Katrina and the financial crisis were the defining string of events at the turn of the century. Well sketpics also think that the majority of chicks have a VD.

Before I could talk about events of this decade; I want to know how the fuck people intend on referring back to these past ten years? One can call the years from {1980-1989} "The Eighties", and so-on/so-forth. So does that mean we are going to call these past ten years the "O's"? The "Double Zeros"? The "Single Digits". I would ask an old timer how they used to refer to {1900-1909}; but all those people are dead. Also, no body ever cared about that decade. Well, it's either that no one cared about that decade, or people couldn't figure out a way to refer back to it; and as a result just never talk about it. Like a school teacher ignoring a foreign child with an unpronounceable name. I hope that doesn't happen to this decade.

I think that this decade should be remembered by the advances we made in technology. Ten years ago I was using Yahoo as my go-to search engine and paying for porn. Ten years ago I was typing text messages with a pen and paper and brought (1) CD and my walkman to the gym. Ten years ago I was gay with guys. Ten years ago people had to develop film. Ten years ago....ten years ago.

oos

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:28:41 +0000

MTV Jersey Shore Show

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:02:00 +0000

I am starting to get into watching the "Jersey Shore" shit-show on MTV. I mainly started watching it because of the media attention that it has attracted. I want to make one thing clear: Anyone that says the show is a disgrace to the Jersey Shore, or Italian-Americans; is in fact a guido themselves. The only people from Jersey who are insulted by this show are guidos.

There is now a Facebook group called People from New Jersey DO NOT act like " MTV's Jersey Shore" cast!!! The fucking group has 27,000 members. I am betting it is the same 27,000 people that tune into MTV every week and watch on the edge of their seats in Ed Hardy gear. They are obviously upset because they are jealous they were not cast to be on the show.

[caption id="attachment_2294" align="aligncenter" width="419" caption="Member Of Facebook Group: People from New Jersey DO NOT act like " MTV's Jersey Shore" cast!!!"][/caption]

j shore

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:16:05 +0000

Classy

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:23:43 +0000

Jillian Michaels Strap On Dildo

Chris Galdi — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:36:35 +0000

Jillian Michaels Strap On Dildo

funny_homeless_man

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:32:26 +0000

Spare Change...Where does it Go When we Don't have an Active Change Cup?

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:35:02 +0000

The benefits from dumping you spare change into a cup at the end of each day are immeasurable. Well; maybe not immeasurable, but probably equal to about $15 a month (~$.50/day). That $15/month multiplied by 12 months is equal to $180 a year. That's like (2) rub-and-tugs worth of quarters. Although I know that saving change has clear benefits, every now and then I go a few months without using a change cup. Over this period of time I save NO change. But where the fuck does it all go? Because I'm not throwing it into garbage cans.

Let's hypothetically say that I went without a change cup for (3) months. That's three months worth of change that is NOT in a change cup. That's about $45 ($15/month*3 months) worth of change. $45 of change is 180 quarters. That's a solid amount of quarters. Yes, a lot of my change ends up in the cup holder of my car, but that's usually like 20 coins, no where near 180. If I took three months worth of a change cup and splashed it on my bedroom floor, it would create quite the mess. But that mess never exists. So I'll ask again, where the fuck does all the change go?

A logical answer would be that we take the change and dump it into tip cups. Not because we were satisfied with the Dunkin Donuts service, but rather we subconsciously don't want to sound like a retarded child on allowance throughout the day. I sure hope this isn't the case. That would mean over a 80 year lifetime I am tipping odd-ball workers a sum of $14,400. ([$.5/ day] *[30 days] * [12 months] * [80 years]). Fuck Me.

M6

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:32:41 +0000

M1

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:32:52 +0000

M4

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:33:03 +0000

M3

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:33:18 +0000

M5

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:33:33 +0000

Is Inglorious Bastard Mélanie Laurent too French for you?

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:33:51 +0000

Not for Me.

bm1

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:40:42 +0000

RIP Luanne Platter

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:11:12 +0000

Brittany Murphy Dies

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:13:41 +0000

Brittany Murphy, the actress who appeared in such films as "Clueless" and "8 Mile," died Sunday, apparently of natural causes, the Los Angeles County Coroner's Office said. She was 32.

With the news of another celebrity death, people begin flooding social networking sites immediately creating RIP Brittany Murphy pages; and fresh Brittany Murphy in Death Twitter accounts. The "RIP Brittany Murphy" Facebook group includes posts such as:

We have now reached a massive 75,000 members! It has also been reported that Brittany died of 'natural causes.' If this is to be found true, atleast we know she passed in no pain.

Death is the most serious shit that could happen to a human. But these people who act like they are some how emotionally connected to Brittany Murphy's death; are in reality emotionally detached from themselves. If you sat down and cried when Brittany died, you were actually crying about another aspect of YOUR life. Perhaps reflecting back on what YOUR life was like back in 1996 when the Clueless movie was released. These celebrity mourners are unstable weirdos. How has Brittany Murphy's death affected YOUR fucking life? She doesn't star in movies. I mean she played a minor role in "8 Mile". You can't actually be sad that the voice of Luanne on "King of the Hill" will have to be replaced? However, if you truly are an avid "King of the Hill" fan, then you are the only group permissible to mourn Brittany Murphy, and miss the sweet voice of Luanne. You might be saying, "Oh Chris, show some fucking sympathy!" When I start showing sympathy for the people in the local obituaries is when I will show sympathy for Brittany Murphy. Shouldn't we first mourn the people who live near us, before we mourn Brittany Murphy of California? And what is this Bullshit about her dying of natural causes at the age of 32? Humans don't die naturally at that age. If my car died after having it for (2) years, I would want to know what happened to it. If the dealer just said, "Oh yeah, well it was old, it died naturally." I would tell him to go fuck himself and take the manufacturer to court.

Christmas Cake Recipe

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:53:24 +0000

Ingredients

1 cup of water 1 tsp. baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs nuts 1 bottle Johnnie Walker 2 cups of dried fruit Instructions 1) Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality. 2) Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. 3) Repeat. 4) Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 5) Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. 6) Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup. 7) Turn off the mixerer. #8) Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 9) Turn on the turner. 10) If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. 11) Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. 12) Next, sift two cups of salt. 13) Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your work. 14) Add one table. 15) Add a six spoon of sugar. 16) Greash the oven and piss in the fridge. 17) Turn the cake tin 350 defrees. 18) Don't forget to beat off the turner. 19) Throw the bowl through the fucking window. 20) Who the fuck is a Christams Cake?

christmas cake

Chris Galdi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:55:30 +0000

2010 Negro Census Form

Chris Galdi — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 21:58:48 +0000

2010 Negro Census Form

Chris Galdi — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:00:47 +0000

2010 Negro Census Form

Af Am

Chris Galdi — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:05:46 +0000

GM002951

Chris Galdi — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:06:28 +0000

Juan-les-Pins, France --- B.B. King, one of the best blues guitarists in the world, plays his guitar at the 35th Jazz a Juan Festival at Juan-les-Pins, France. --- Image by © Gail Mooney/CORBIS

GM002951

Chris Galdi — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:07:17 +0000

Juan-les-Pins, France --- B.B. King, one of the best blues guitarists in the world, plays his guitar at the 35th Jazz a Juan Festival at Juan-les-Pins, France. --- Image by © Gail Mooney/CORBIS

black

Chris Galdi — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:07:39 +0000

A Space for Race

Chris Galdi — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 22:11:52 +0000

Washington DC -- Question 9 on the 2010 U.S. Consensus form reportedly asks about race, with one of the answers listed as "Black, African American, or Negro".

For many blacks, the word negro conjures visions of segregation and slavery. However, I do not understand what the fuss is all about. Blacks, African Americans, and Negros are (3) characteristically distinct groups: [caption id="attachment_2349" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="African American"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_2351" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Negro"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_2352" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Black"][/caption] What bothers me is checking off that I am a fucking Caucasian. I don't even know what that means. I have simply been trained to select that box when I encounter it. It makes me feel like a pale Asian guy. The last thing my morale needs before getting off a plane in Mexico is to tell immigrations that I am a Caucasian. It's the term they use to describe really generic white Americans. I'd rather check off "Gineau Dego" before selecting Caucasian. At least it would leave my form with a sense of character and distinction; rather than a tongue-tied angle of calling myself a run-of-the-mill pale white guy. So 'Negro'? Shit, I'll check off 'Negro'. At least it will score me some tail.

waxman

Chris Galdi — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 02:00:10 +0000

Waxman Cowardly Lion

Chris Galdi — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 02:09:51 +0000

Mark McGuire is Homerun King

Chris Galdi — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 02:16:01 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2374" align="aligncenter" width="368" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption] Mark McGuire has finally come out of the closet on his steroid use. Of course this came as no more of a surprise than when Lance Bass came out. Yet when the tears and remorseful facade demolish, is anything still standing in what was once the historic career of "Big" Mac?

Mark Mcguire had 70 homeruns in 1998. There is not a single steroid on Big Mac's dollar menu that could allow me to hit 70 homeruns. Why didn't Jose Canseco, Manny Ramirez and "Pap My Pussy" Ortiz hit 70 homeruns on the sauce? Answer: because McGuire was a much better player.

Mark McGuire called up Roger Marris' widow this morning in tears to apologize to her for breaking her husbands record. Wait...who is this?...Mark who?....I can't hear you; your crying....Mark McGuire?....I have Alzheimers...Go Fuck Yourself Sir, and stop calling me

Senator Waxman (below) made a statement about McGuire's confession:

"Mark's confession was very honorable. He is setting a good example to all young athletes."

First of all what the fuck is up with this guy's nose? I have seen his face flash on-and-off television in the past, but I never cared enough to jot down his name. I am finally able to put a name to that nose. How does this guy become a senator? If this dude doesn't look like an ass kisser I don't know who does. Plus he looks exactly like the cowardly lion...How is Mark McGuire setting a good example by confessing to steroid use, as Senator Waxman has said? That confuses me a little bit. Wouldn't his confession confirm that steroids give you divine strength and fame? If he continued lying and saying that he didn't use steroids then children would think that you can hit 70 homeruns with natural strength. Hhaa...I just said "70 homeruns with God given strength". This Michell Report and National Jury condemning steroid use was the grandest marketing effort for the sale of steroids in the history of the drug.

big mac

Chris Galdi — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 02:21:39 +0000

McGuire Steroids

Chris Galdi — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 02:30:12 +0000

McGuire Steroids

The Jets Skull Taze the Chargers

Chris Galdi — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:56:06 +0000

Dude got handcuffed & horse-ravaged out of the Chargers' stadium for cheering for the Jets. Nothing more/nothing less. He got malled for that simple Jets chant. If a simple Jets chant puts you in cuffs, is it safe to assume that Fireman ED was gunned down by the San Diego police early in the first half? Step back and look at this arrest: it is an unchecked vigilante assault. These weren't San Diego police officers. They were San Diego Chargers fans who happened to be on the clock during a heartbreaking loss. Believe me, I was a Jets/Yankees fan living in New England. There would have been nothing I would have rather done during the 2004 MLB playoffs than to throw on a blue uniform and lay a government-endorsed beating on fanatic chowder heads.

I guess that it really boils down to a simple point.....people from California are pussy. They need a badge to muzzle the bark of the underdog. It was something civilian fans didn't want to deal with.

And when people question cops, why do the cops always ask if the person wants to "take it outside"? The term "Let's Take It Outside" is used to initiate a fist fight. You are not allowed to fist fight cops. Therefore cops say this in the public in order to "appear" like a tough guy who is willing to fist fight people. This is the same exact move that chicks pull in arguments with men. When a girl screams at a guy "Just Hit Me Then", she yells this because guys can't hit girls without moral and legal repercussions. Guys can't hit girls; civilians can't fight cops. Therefore when cops say "Let's Take it Outside", they are the equivalent to girls in distress. Can't argue logic.

In Related News:

First Male Prostutute

Chris Galdi — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:47:08 +0000

Boulevard Of Broken Stations

Chris Galdi — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 08:42:02 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2392" align="aligncenter" width="434" caption="Green Day: "We dress so gay that it would make you gay for making fun of us.""][/caption]

Who is getting excited when the song "Boulevard Of Broken Dreams" comes on the radio? Not hypothetically...literally. The tune is more 'homosexual' than Scott and Todd in the morning; yet it gets more airtime than Sasha Grey in heat. What does the guy look like who is still getting a steady rise out of this song? The guy who is sitting in a car and says, "Holy shit dude, 'Boulevard Of Broken Dreams' is on, turn that shit up!" Not only is it overplayed, but it is depressing. I get it, you walk alone, your suicidal; don't drag me into it. Green Day is the lost soul of the band Green Day, recovering from revelation.

I imagine that everyone has their own idea of what song(s) define a good radio station. And that is the reason I don't understand satellite radio. They have an unlimited number of stations to broadcast on, yet most people listen to a whole (3) of them. Let's say you listen to: Classic Vinyl, Hip Hop Nation, and Sirius Hits 1. I don't understand why they can't have (15) different Classic Vinyl stations each playing a different classic rock playlist. As it is now, they have one station for each category of music playing (1) play list that I have heard ninety times. Ditch the DJ and add a play list. Hint, Hint....no body fucking cares about DJ's on a music station. Talk radio is for talk, music stations are for music. There is a fucking clown show going on upstairs at Sirius/XM. A bunch of pencil-neck pillow-bitters scanning the airwaves for the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams and some ass-cream. The Boulevard Of Broken Seams hunting down bi-polar teens.

Green Gay

Chris Galdi — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 08:43:12 +0000

green-day

Chris Galdi — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 08:45:25 +0000

Squirting

Chris Galdi — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 18:14:10 +0000

Whatering

Chris Galdi — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 18:48:35 +0000

There is no doubt that some curious shit goes on during pornographic sex scenes. From devastatingly deep blowjobs, to excruciating boob smacking; no one can question the slimy array of animalistic shit that unfolds minutes into a sex scene. However, with all the curve balls that get thrown your way during a clip, nothing is more alien than when a woman 'whaters'. Whatering, colloquially known as squirting or gushing, refers to the expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid by human females during or before orgasm. I have never experienced this for myself; and for some reason I don't think it is because of any lack of effort on my part. I do not believe that all females are born with the ability to whater. Rather it is the job requirement used to seperate porn actresses from normal women. I mean, what the fuck is it? It's not piss....right? I don't think a guy has more of a right to say "What the Fuck?!" than during his first experience with the whater. The phrase "What the Fuck?!" was originally developed exclusively to give guys something to say when this happens to them for the first time. (Need a Moment? Grab a Snickers.) My question is this...Can civilian women whater? Is it an accomplishment if you get a girl to whater? Personally I think it is bitter-sweet. I mean, you get her to orgasm and then she soaks you in the fucking whater. It's like playing Nickolodeon's Slime Time. Yeah you won the game, but you also got pie'd in the face, kicked in the sack and covered in slime. Congratulations.

Conrad Murray

Chris Galdi — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:17:47 +0000

The "Wrong Place at the Wrong Time" Crime

Chris Galdi — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:52:28 +0000

LOS ANGELES -- Michael Jackson's doctor pleaded not guilty Monday to INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER in the death of the pop star at a brief hearing. Dr. Conrad Murray is accused of giving Jackson a fatal dose of an anesthetic to help him sleep.

Involuntary -- Done without Choice Manslaughter -- The unlawful killing of a human being without the desire to kill Doctor Murray did not want to kill Michael Jackson, nor did he try to kill Michael Jackson. He just happened to fuck his job up. He may not have taken the extra care that is required when administering Michael Jackson's sleep anesthetic. Regardless, once a person asks for sleep anesthetic injections at bedtime they lose all claims to malpractice. It's like the coke head who blames his physician for having a heart attack. What a Busch League way to provide closure to Michael Jackson's unexpected death. If this charge exists at all, then it should be enforced every single time a person is negligent regardless of the result. If someone runs a red light they should be tried for involuntary manslaughter; for they could have easily run down a jogger. What is even more bazaar is that involuntary manslaughter carries a sentences ranging from a fine, to (7) years in prison. If it is involuntary what is the difference? You are either guilty of 'being in the wrong place at the wrong time', or your not.

Being Tired

Chris Galdi — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:21:28 +0000

By the time the average American dies, they would have spent 26 years of their lives sleeping. I am only 23. Seems a bit anti-Darwinian that humans would still need that much time "powered-down" in order to function. We need to lay motionless and still for 8 fucking hours in order to not feel tired. I am completely disoriented during the first half-hour after I wake up. On many occasions I will find myself in the shower pondering weather or not I already used the shampoo during that same shower sesh. Once you get out of the shower and pound a coffee, you will start feeling like a person again. At this point a douchbag you barely know will say, "hey man, you look tired." How is this a socially acceptable antidote to say to someone? Translation," Hey man, you look like hot gorilla shit." That's what they are really saying isn't it? I see no difference between someone saying that V.S. walking up to a fat dude eating lunch and saying, "hey man, you look fucking bloated." In my book telling someone they look tired is 'fight music'. Fun Ways to Start Your Day and Wake up Right: Shotgun a Red Bull and Squirt Rhotos in your Eyes Give yourself a California High "the pass out game" and then Eat a Porterhouse Steak Rare Masterbate with Mineral Ice Buy a Large coffee at Dunkin Donuts and then rob the cashier

child-sleeping-funny

Chris Galdi — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:25:33 +0000

USA Beats Canada In Hockey, in Canada

Chris Galdi — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:18:17 +0000

That's like China losing in ping-pong. Or Mexico losing in rowing. Fucking embarrassing.

frozenfood

Chris Galdi — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:00:06 +0000

zazi

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:23:46 +0000

Zazi Facebook Status

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:43:15 +0000

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:45:18 +0000

Brooklyn, NY -- Najibullah Zazi, 25, pleaded guilty in United States District Court in Brooklyn to charges that included conspiracies to use weapons of mass destruction and to commit murder in a foreign country, and to provide material support for a terrorist organization.

I am no criminal defense lawyer, it just seems to me like willingly confessing to 'conspiracy to use weapons of mass destruction' is a terrible idea. Not exactly like admitting to leaving the front door unlocked. What good can come out of admitting that shit? Was there a plea agreement....like if you admit you were trying to use weapons of mass destruction we will give you a compass to locate the mecca in prison?

superman

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:04:51 +0000

$1 Million Comic Book

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:07:36 +0000

Action Comics #1 was the first comic book that featured Superman. It was sold in 1938 for 10 cents. A high-quality copy was just sold for a record-breaking price of $1 million, making it the world’s most expensive comic book.

How does that shit taste Haiti? That's why we pay Justin Bieber the big bucks, so he could buy cool shit like this.

penguins

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:17:36 +0000

Penguins

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:20:41 +0000

Highpoint in the History of Penguins: When Morgan Freeman signs the contract to narrate "The March of the Penguins". Monkeys:Humans :: Penguins:BirdPeople

mario

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:00:15 +0000

Breaking News: Mario Doesn't Break Blocks with His Head...Uses Hand

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:03:16 +0000

[caption id="attachment_2451" align="aligncenter" width="268" caption="Created by ChrisGaldi.com"][/caption]

bloodymario

Chris Galdi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:11:18 +0000

stopfreezing

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:15:51 +0000

Why Do Mothers Love Freezing Food?

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:16:04 +0000

"If it is perishable, tho shalt be frozen." Although that is the mantra of mothers in the kitchen; freezing a steak is like taking it's "freshness virginity". It goes into freeze as a sexy young women; and comes out of thaw as an old man. Mothers throw everything in the fucking freezer. I will be finishing up a slice of pizza and my mother will we simulatenously asking, "Here...give that to me, I'll throw it in the freezer". The fucking freezer?! Why not the fridge?? This isn't Walt Disney we are talking about. It's a slice of pie. I will crack open a (8) pack of Sabrette hot dogs and throw the remaining (4) in the refrigerator to pound on another day. Sure as sandy-shit in a sand storm; when I go back for more dogs they are in a cryogenic state with no intentions hitting room temperature. Now I'm standing over a grill for twenty minutes, fucking starving, while I'm bringing the Vanilla-Ice dogs back from hiatus. I think I'm going to start taking my mom's shit and throwing it in the freezer. Like if she makes a batch of lemonade, I'll be bringing it down to 30°F. Oh, Chris, have you seen my reading glasses anywhere honey? To myself: "Yeah I saw them as I was putting them into the fucking freezer". "Why won't this shampoo some out of the bottle???" Probably because it's fucking frozen...you ever think of that?

videoporn

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:38:31 +0000

Moscow Pron Billboard

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:58:23 +0000

Dude in Moscow Hacks Video Billboard to Display Porn

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:58:59 +0000

Moscow -- Police in a city in Russia have arrested a man accused of hacking into a video billboard in Moscow last month and showing a pornographic movie that spawned a traffic jam as curious drivers slowed to watch the film.

I've always wanted to steal art from a Moscow art museum, and now I have a perfect scheme. I will hire this hacker to air full-penetration scenes of Dolph Lundgren slamming Russian hookers on these billboards. During the ensuing traffic jam I will casually steal enough art on foot to make Rene Russo drop to her knees.

(Rene Russo is not good-looking in the Thomas Crown Affair. Thomas Crown should have been sleeping with 10's, not a desperate Rene Russo. Thomas Crown is every man's dream, yet he is into Russo. It kind of makes me question the fruits of success.)

Dolph Lundgren Porn Scene: "Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends."

precious

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 16:53:36 +0000

Precious

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:03:40 +0000

I understand that Precious portrays a 16-year-old girl from Harlem who has been repeatedly raped by her father and mentally abused by her mother; all while battling illiteracy. And I sympathize with the downtrodden youth of America who can assimilate with Precious. However, why is Precious so fucking fat? You can't read....therefore you are morbidly obese. Am I am missing the bridge in between the two? You are really poor....therefore you are morbidly obese. Wouldn't poverty make you thinner? When I ran out of money at college I would go on a Ramen noodles diet that would turn George Foreman into a welterweight. Yet Precious finds a crafty ways to take down the 3000 calories required to maintain a weight of 300lbs. Maybe Precious should take some of that ingenuity and redirect it toward scholastics. Or maybe she should just eat less. (To Jaimie Fox's Song)...Blame it on the food, gotcha feeling loose, blame it on the fa fa fa fa fa food food food, blame it on the fa fa fa fa fa food food food.

Pledge

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:32:46 +0000

STANDING UP to the Pledge of Allegiance

Chris Galdi — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:33:39 +0000

Philadelphia -- The mother of a 13-year-old Montgomery County middle school student is demanding an apology from a teacher who had school police escort the youngster from a classroom for refusing to say the Pledge of Allegiance.

The Pledge of Allegiance fucking blows. Not due to any fault of America, or author Bill Pullman; rather because children are forced to say it at the start of every school day. While tired and pissed off about being in homeroom; the kids are forced everyday to STAND UP and mumble a line of nonsense. If people could recite the pledge while sitting down I don't think there would be any issues. It is the same reason people don't like church. All the goddamn kneeling and standing. Just let me zone the fuck out and get on with my Sunday.

drugs

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:56:51 +0000

sheenecar

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:58:00 +0000

People Charlie Sheen

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:59:57 +0000

FILE - In this Sept. 20, 2009, file photo, actor Charlie Sheen, right, and his wife Brooke Mueller arrive at the 61st Primetime Emmy Awards in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello, file)

400_bmueller_100121_mbuckner_76703778

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:18:42 +0000

brooke_mueller_1895610

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:18:56 +0000

Sheen-Mueller1

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:19:11 +0000

Girl Loves "Badass" Charlie Sheen

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:24:20 +0000

Troubled actor Charlie Sheen had left his Mercedes-Benz in his open garage with the keys in it when it was stolen and later found crashed in a ravine off Mulholland Drive.

Stolen? How can professional reporters actually tell people that Charlie Sheen's car was stolen? Why would a car thief steal his car and fly it off a cliff? Case closed. In addition to hurling his ride off a mountain, Sheen was arrested in December 2009 for Domestic violence against his current wife, Brook Mueller (pictured below). Why do these beautiful women flock to Charlie Sheen? He is a know 'sexywomanizer'. Is it because every girl loves the "badass"? Too bad the 21st century definition of badass revolves around oxycontin and a nice suit. If these women don't want to get abused they shouldn't date celebrities. Case closed. You listening Elin?

legostevenhawkin

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:08:43 +0000

Lego Stephen Hawking Says...

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:14:50 +0000

"Enough is enough. I have had it with these Motherfucking snakes; on this motherfucking plane."

Put this in Your Milk

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:18:15 +0000

human face

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:25:26 +0000

Dog Born with a Human Face

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:27:29 +0000

Brazil -- Photos of a dog allegedly born with a “human-like” face surfaced today in Brazil.

OR...is is just baby pictures of YouTube famous: Ke$ha cover girl...

FactsReginald

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 20:18:19 +0000

Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 20:21:00 +0000

"Why do all car defrosters have to be so loud? Why can't people zoom in with their eyes if they squint; like a camera? Why doesn't pee smell just as bad as poop? Why don't clouds make airplanes soaking wet when they fly through them?" ~RVJ

Playing the Sonic the Hedgehog Drowning Music While Ordering Food

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 20:56:04 +0000

You have been to dinner with someone who does this:

When the waiter comes to take food orders someone in your party says, "Oh, you guys order first, I need another second." And then when the waiter finally gets back around to that person they are still not ready.

To solve this problem waiters should come equipped with mini-speakers that play the Sonic the Hedgehog drowning music as he circulates the table. That tune is like an hourglass with anxiety. It could make the Republicans sign Obama's health bill if played in the House....and it could also get you to choose between the fettuccini or the shrimp you indecisive fuck.

model

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:19:20 +0000

model

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:19:48 +0000

model4

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:22:40 +0000

model2

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:25:00 +0000

model3

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:25:17 +0000

Lingerie Model Head of All-Model Drug Smuggling Ring

Chris Galdi — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:25:26 +0000

Buenos Aires -- Police have issued an arrest warrant for Angie Sanselmente Valencia, a former lingerie model who has been training other models to move illegal drugs across various borders. According to the Telegraph: “She is thought to be on the run somewhere in either Mexico or Argentina. Her drug syndicate was exposed in December last year after a 21-year-old blew the whistle after being caught with 55kg of cocaine at Buenos Aires airport."

The headline and pictures really do all the talking in this story. I am just a little bit concerned that they are still using telegraphs in Mexico (see underlined above). Just a little concerned, no big deal though.

deersex

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:40:06 +0000

Missionary Position Deer-Sex Statue Leaves Lasting Impression on College Campus

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:00:47 +0000

Indianapolis -- A statue of two deer having sex in the missionary position graces the Herron School of Art's campus in Indianapolis. Artist Delvoye explains "These animals love each other very much". "Only in the United States was this sculpture regarded as 'shocking.'"

"Only in the United States was this sculpture regarded as shocking. Blah, blah, blah" Get over yourself. It's shocking because deer are fucking like humans; and that's why you made it. Shock value. Your art sucked so you went for some of that weird human-deer sex shit. And don't let me take anything away from the sculpture. I'd be the first one to post up doggy style behind that thing and pose for a picture. Just don't get all high and mighty and start ragging on America's tolerance for deer sex statues; especially while living in Indianapolis.

The Desk of Obama

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:56:12 +0000

The Desk of Barack Obama

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:57:03 +0000

"Umm, president?? It's your turn to speak. Your on the clock president. Are you there sir??"

Obama Chris Galdi for Your Health

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:15:22 +0000

Obama Chris Galdi for Your Health

Obama's Teleprompter during Health Summit

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:16:51 +0000

ObamaChrisGaldiTeleprompter

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:50:38 +0000

ObamaChrisGaldiTeleprompter

Chris Galdi — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:54:05 +0000

Created by ChrisGaldi.com

Hella: Scientists call for new word for the Number 1x10^(24)

Chris Galdi — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:29:51 +0000

A campaign for "hella" to join the likes of "kilo", "mega" and "giga" as an internationally accepted prefix is attracting growing support. Austin Sendek, the physics student at the University of California who started the campaign, said that recent scientific developments required that the scales of measurement be extended.

10 = deca 100 = hecto 1,000 = kilo 1,000,000 = mega 1,000,000,000 = giga 1,000,000,000,000 = tera 1,000,000,000,000,000 = peta 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 = exa 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = zetta 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = yotta 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 = HELLA

I don't like how some dude from California is trying to use Cali lingo to describe this number. "Hella" is commonly used in the San Fransisco Bay area in place of "really" or "very" when describing something. ie) Jim Varney is hella cool.

So what gives California the right to officially say that 10^24 has hella 0's. 24 isn't even that many zeros. I don't even know if I would describe 24 zeros as 'mad' zeros. Or if chowder heads would call it a 'wicked' high amount of zeros.

And don't you have to invent something to be able to name it? Like the Stone Cold Stunner, or the Ram Jam?

Hella

Chris Galdi — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:36:59 +0000

Hella

Chris Galdi — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:38:05 +0000